


The Weight Of Us

by verlore_poplap (orphan_account)



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-02
Updated: 2017-10-02
Packaged: 2018-11-07 08:26:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 38
Words: 81,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11055129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/verlore_poplap
Summary: Isak finally takes the plunge towards what's seemed like an inevitability for almost ten years.Of course that's when some guy comes along and ruins everything.---Isak Valtersen is literally the last thing Even's life needs right now.It pretty horrifying how hard that is to remember, everytime he's around.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to everyone of you who has let me borrow some of your strength. I love you guys ❤

**ISAK**

Banging. Loud, insistent banging. Enough to wake him up from a dream about delivering a blue alien baby at the airport. Jesus, his dreams have been fucking weird lately. But anyway, banging and a voice-- a familiar one yelling, "Isak!" Like it's been doing that for a while. "Isak, open up!" It's a short treck from his bed to the door, benefits of having an apartment that's small as hell. "Isak-- " Goes and opens the door.

"Emma," he rubs at his eyes, blinking and trying to get them more into focus. "Hey, Emma," he says, lifting his hands to fold around the girl's forearms, pulling her close and into him. He noses at her neck, she smells good, always, and she's warm and he's missed her. His bed is warmer though, and he's missing it a lot more. "Come on," he pulls her inside. Sleep."

She laughs, "I literally woke up an hour ago, Isak."

"I got off work twenty minutes ago, so-- if you're gonna be here, we're sleeping."

"You look like shit," Emma tells him, once he's deposited her on the bed. "How long was your shift?"

"Was s'pose to be sixteen hours but then we had a delivery with heavy complications, so it was more like twenty-four."

"Oh, no."

"Mhm," Isak settles back under the covers, wrapping as much of himself around his girlfriend's bony edges as possible. "She's okay though. Mom too."

"That's good," Emma says, before giving a yawn and Isak smiles, because she's like this, insists she doesn't want to sleep but basically becomes narcoleptic as soon as they settle down. "Missed you," she says, her voice already going soft and far away, seconds away from drifting off.

Isak draws her closer to his chest, he closes his eyes.

***

When Isak wakes again, it's to find his cock, not just hard but aching-- pressing into the soft curve of Emma's ass. He moves his hand, sliding it under her shirt and over her stomach, opens his mouth where it's pressed against her shoulder and enjoys the way she shivers at his attention. "Isak," she moans, pressing back against him.

Sometimes it's like this, easy and uncomplicated. When Isak's head isn't racing too fast, with too many things, for him to just _be_ with her the way she wants-- needs from him. He hates it when it gets like that, hates himself because he'd do anything, _be_ anything it took to make Emma happy. He loves her, has for a long time and he'd honestly give her the world if he could. "Tell me what you want," he asks-- because it's better that way, if he knows exactly what he's supposed to do.

"Just-- " Emma keens, as he does his best to suck a bruise onto the pale skin of her neck. He feels her pushing her panties down, and then she rolls over onto her stomach. "Like this," she says and it's how they usually do it because she knows that Isak prefers it.

He doesn't think about why that is-- blocks the thought from his mind before it's properly formed. "Okay," he says, and does his best to make her feel as good as possible.

***

Emma's running a towel over her hair, which is so much longer than it was when Isak met her - he'd told her she looked like a prepubescent boy, when she was literally the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen-- because well, sixteen year old him was kind of an asshole - when she asks, "You remember Sonja?"

And no, Isak doesn't remember Sonja-- he has no idea who Emma's referring to. It must show on his face, which has always been pretty expressive, and Emma smiles, "No, it's okay, you only met her a couple of times back when we first started going out."

That explains it then, Isak thinks, feeling a twinge of guilt in his stomach. He didn't really pay much attention to Emma when she first showed up in his life, his head was kind of fucked up back then. For a lot of reasons and he'd taken her for granted for a long time. It was only in his final year at Nissen that he got serious about - not only his thing with Emma - but pretty much everything else.

But the guilt, even though it's been about nine years since then, is enough for Isak to feign an exaggerated level of interest, "What about her?"

"Well, she just moved to Drammen a couple of weeks ago and messaged me on Facebook, asked if I wanted to meet up. She doesn't know many people here yet."

"Okay," Isak says, "That's good, you have lots of friends, introduce her to all your crazy roommates."

"Yes," Emma agrees, rifling through her designated drawer for a fresh shirt. "I do and I'll do that but I thought we could take her out to dinner, for a start."

Isak does a mental review of the rest of his week. And then the one after that. But no, he's fucked. Completely. He'll be lucky if he sleeps more than three nights in his own apartment in the next fortnight.

"That bad?" Emma winches.

"My attending is going on leave from tomorrow so I'm pretty much screwed."

"Shit," Emma says, before she shrugs, "It's okay, I can still take them out. Complain at them the whole time about my boyfriend and how much he neglects me all the time."

"Yes, you do that," Isak laughs. "Wait... _them?"_

"Yeah," Emma nods her head. "She moved up with her husband. I don't think you ever met though, his name is Even."

Nope. Nothing. He doesn't know the guy from Adam. "Cool."

"Yeah," Emma says. "They've been married for five years already, can you believe that?"

It's said in an even tone, without a hint of accusation. Isak shifts on the bed and doesn't say anything. He thinks he hears Emma sigh, but it's so soft he might as well have imagined it. "Come on," she says, "Let me at least feed you before you go back to work."

Isak doesn't let out a relieved breath but it's a close thing. If Emma's willing to cook for him - something she's really good at but doesn't particularly _enjoy_ \- then she can't actually be that upset.

He needs to pull his shit together, he knows that. He knows how this goes, he's seen it happen to Jonas, a year ago with his girlfriend, Lillian. She left when it became clear he didn't want to get married-- said it was too soon and maybe for them, it was. They were together for only two years, nothing close to the nearly ten that Emma's put up with Isak--

Through all of it--

That first year when he was half assing his way through their relationship. When his mom died and everything changed. When he got into medical school and it was sometimes so hard, he wondered if he was wasting his time, simply setting himself up for failure, and his intern year that was fucking hell and board exams that made him sick with stress.

And moving out here to Drammen to be with him when he got his dream residency position--

There's been so many other things-- things Isak wouldn't stand a chance of accomplishing or dealing with if she hadn't been by his side and in his corner.

He needs marry this girl and he will because--

Because he can't lose her, he refuses to.

Two weeks, he thinks. Just two weeks and his boss will be back and Isak can take some time-- time to get his head on straight.

And then he'll propose and everything will be fine.

\--------

**EVEN**

He doesn't know how many times he's been accused - both by the people who know him and the ones who simply think they do - of having youngest child syndrome.

It was probably true at one time-- Even didn't care, really. He saw his family's opinion of him as just one more diagnosis to throw into the bucket along with his disorders. Except there wasn't a pill for it, something he could take to - in the words of his older brother, Finn - _grow the fuck up and take some responsibility._

Even doesn't miss those days-- when he was the one that needed everyone else and, in the opinion of everyone that mattered to him, couldn't take care of anyone, including himself.

He'll concede they had a point-- it's hard to trust someone who is constantly in trouble, getting expelled from one school and the next, climbing onto the roof of their house and telling his siblings-- _dare me to jump._

He has no wish to go back to that place so he takes his meds religiously and checks himself in for adjustments whenever he has even the slightest hint of a freak out. He doesn't like thinking about _that_ Even and what he put his people through. He's come a long way to try and improve himself, get better, become someone they could be proud of, someone strong, reliable--

But the other side of fence isn't as great as he once thought it would be.

Feeling this constant weight of responsibility on his shoulders-- it's hard, the hardest thing he's ever done. It's on him, there isn't anyone else, and he's trying, God knows, he's _trying_ but it's fucking difficult when all he wants to do is break and fall apart.

Even hears noise behind him, footsteps, the sound of shrubbery moving as someone pushes past it. He isn't surprised to see Sonja, who else would it be-- and for a moment he considers hiding the cigarette he's holding but he's too fucking tired to even do that much right now.

She eyes it, _and him,_ but she must see some of his weariness-- she doesn't say anything immediately, just comes and leans up against the wall next to him.

For a while they're quiet as Even smokes his cigarette-- before Sonja surprises him, not because she pluck the cigarette from his fingers. But because she takes a drag, long and deep, blowing the smoke out in a slow exhale.

Even glares at her and she raises an eyebrow. "Hypocrite," she says, a smirk playing at the edge of her mouth.

Even just shakes his head and Sonja throws the cigarette on the ground, crushing it under her tennis shoe-- she doesn't need it anymore, her point already made.

"She sleeping?" He asks.

"Yeah."

Even steps away from the fence, "We should go back inside."

"Wait," Sonja's hand on his arm stops him. "I forgot to tell you-- remember Emma? The girl I went out to dinner with about a month ago?"

"Yeah," Even says-- mostly he remembers the fight he and Sonja had, when she wanted him to come with her and he got so angry, shouting at Sonja, completely outraged at the mere suggestions that he spend an evening away from Eli.

His sister had cried that night - the first time she did so in front of him since finding out about her diagnoses - and she'd begged him not to do that to her, "Please, Even," she'd said. "I'd rather die from this cancer than have it come between you and Sonja."

For days Even was pissed-- at both her and Sonja, until he realized he was fucking up in a massive way with the two people who mattered the most to him in the world. The two people who loved him the most. He couldn't afford fucking up, not where they were concerned.

"She, um-- "

"What, Sonja?" Even asks.

His wife shakes her head. "Nevermind," she says, turning to go and this time it's Even who stops her.

"Come on, tell me."

"I was just-- she invited us to her engagement party, okay-- and I was thinking that maybe we could go?"

Sonja hasn't asked him to go out again after what happened last time. Every night they stayed in, with Eli-- even when the nurse, Lisbeth, came over a few hours every second day. They stayed there, in his sister's house, that he asked Sonja to move into, so they could take care of _his_ sister, leaving their own behind, their jobs, everything.

And Sonja's never said anything about it, not once, as she's been by his side, has she complained or told him she was tired and Even knows she is because he is too. Maybe he needs this too-- a short window where he can feel like his world isn't coming to an end.

"She got engaged?" He asks, trying to sound as interested as he can manage.

"Yeah," Sonja smiles, "To some fancy baby doctor."

Even raises his eyebrows, "Baby doctor?" He asks and Sonja scoffs, like he knew she would,

"I don't know what it's called...you know, the one who catches the babies and looks after pregnant ladies."

Even laughs at her description, "An OBGYN."

"Yeah," Sonja rolls her eyes. _"That."_

"Emma...she's the model right?"

"Yeah, of course you'd remember that. She went to Nissen, you know. Would have been first year when you went there. I think her fiance was as well."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, Isak," Sonja says.

Even startles--

His stomach drops into the soles of his feet and Sonja, because she's his wife, because she's not an idiot, notices his reaction to-- a fucking name.

Just a name.

The first name of a boy that went to Hartvig Nissen when Even was there and there was probably a lot of boys named _Isak_ there and--

It doesn't mean it was _him._

Sonja frowns, "Do you know him?"

"No," Even answers immediately, because whether it _is_ him or someone else-- it would still be true.

Even doesn't know Isak. He never has.

"Okay," Sonja says, "... but if you don't want to go-- "

"We'll go," Even says. "We can go."

Sonja smiles and throws her arms around him, starts telling him how the nurse already confirmed she can be here on Friday night and they'll come back really early and-- it's only then that Even remembers why they can't just _go_ somewhere these days.

For the first time in _months_ \-- his mind wasn't on his sister and how he fears every day that he's going to lose her forever.

_But it's not him,_ Even tells himself.

His fingers run through his wife's hair, as his arm around her lower back pulls her that much closer.


	2. Chapter 2

**ISAK**

Isak has always had the shitty habit of thinking and over-thinking things.

He remembers when he first became friends with Jonas-- it was the most stressful experience he'd ever had during his thirteen year old life-- and that was saying a lot, considering.

Before Jonas, he had friends, obviously, but it was the kind of friends you hang out with at school and never see or talk to outside of it, the odd birthday party not withstanding.

Then Jonas shows up in his class and suddenly he had a friend who wanted to meet up after school and on weekends and hang at each other's house.

And, for some reason, that idea made Isak sick with stress, his brow going wet with sweat and his hands shaking as he tried to think of a reason why Jonas couldn't come over.

That was, until Jonas told him it was okay-- they could just hang out at his house and not go to Isak's house, ever, and he didn't even ask any questions about it and that alone, made Isak want to cry a little bit and hold onto Jonas forever and never let go.

Basically, they guy who would become Isak's best friend in the world, almost wasn't anything to him-- all because Isak's head wanted to get in the way.

The same thing applied to his relationship with Emma-- not that Emma and Jonas are the same or that Isak loves them the same-- obviously that's not the case. He just means that he almost fucked _that_ up too because he kept thinking, _not right,_ and _not enough_ when he was with her and kissing her. While at the same time, just the thought of meeting some other girl and trying to get to know them, exhausted Isak completely. So obviously he had feelings for Emma, he was just, as always, second guessing things that didn't need to be second guessed.

And here, again, he was doing the same exact thing at the thought of getting married.

When, in the end, it came down to a few simple facts-- things that Isak has known for a long time and, now that he needed to-- he could follow to their logical conclusion.

Isak loved Emma, he needed her and he wasn't waiting for anything else, for some better option to come along. He wasn't going to change his mind about her, about any of this. If he was, he would have done it a long time ago _and he didn't._ She was what he wanted and that was that. It didn't have to be more complicated than that.

***

The second morning after she came back, Isak walked into his boss, Linda's office and declared, "I'm going to propose to Emma tonight."

He just... needed to say it, out loud. Had to say it to someone before he--

Not that he'd change his mind but--

Just to hear the words outside his head, if that made sense. And obviously he couldn't say them to Emma-- and Jonas, Isak had decided, he'd only tell when it was done. The friends he'd found in Drammen, mostly consisted of other doctors around his age, who work at the hospital with him, and they weren't really the kind of friends that you told such personal stuff too.

Linda was different-- for one, she was about twenty years older than Isak and - in the most professional way of course - treated him more like-- well, not a _child_ exactly, it was strange--

She reminded him both of his mom and Eskild, a guy he stayed with for a couple of months when he was in his second year at Nissen.

Maybe it was just because she was older that she reminded him of his mom-- and maybe it was cause she was gay that she reminded him of Eskild?

The point is, Linda was the second person he was closest to in Drammen-- and so he needed to tell her as soon as possible.

She'd seemed shocked, to say the least, her eyes widening and her mouth falling open. Isak waited for her to congratulate him-- get excited, _something._

Somehow, he wasn't that surprised when her smile seemed less than genuine. She didn't really like Emma--

Or no, that's not true.

She _did_ like Emma, she was never rude to her, quite the contrary.

Linda held almost the same kind of warmth and kindness for her as she did for Isak. Her wife didn't like Emma but that was-- sometimes Emma said silly things that offended over-sensitive people who didn't realize she didn't have a malicious bone in her body. But Linda-- she adored Isak _and_ Emma-- so he didn't get it, why this wouldn't make her happy. Why he just kind of... _knew_ it wouldn't.

"You have been together for a long time," Linda said, as she got up from behind her desk and took the few steps until she was standing next to him. "...this is, I suppose, the next logical step."

"Yes," Isak said. "Exactly."

"So you want me to talk you out of it?"

"What?! No!" How could she think that?

"Are you sure, Isak?" Her voice had that soft cadence to it that made him want to spill all his secrets. It had been more than a little tempting in the past-- but that door had already closed, long before he met her. "This is a one time offer," she continued, "I could tell you what you already know and take that hit. You will be mad at me but it might save you from-- "

_"No,_ Linda-- fuck. Are you-- I love Emma."

"Of course you do, Isak. Any idiot can see that."

"Yes, exactly."

"She's your best friend."

"She is," Isak said.

"That doesn't mean you have to do this."

"I want to," Isak shook his head, tried his best to keep his voice level. He wasn't angry at Linda. This wasn't a fight. "I'm doing this. It's what I've decided and I think it will be good. Emma makes me happy and I want to make her happy."

He resisted the urge to cross his arms and just stood before her, as his friend looked at him for a long time. Her eyes were intense, as if she was trying to see inside his head. But Isak knew, all she'd find there would be his conviction. He was doing the right thing, he knew that.

"You will," she said, finally and Isak exhaled. His friend hugged him, very tightly. "You'll make her very happy, Isak."

She said it with a tone, all laced with sadness and Isak knew why.

She didn't believe it, not all of what he'd said-- she thought Emma didn't make _him_ happy but she was wrong and he knew that.

_He knew._

***

Emma is gorgeous. It's something Isak had known for a long time and, sometimes, a fact he took for granted. Most of the time it just _was_ and not something that affected him all that much.

But as she was sitting across from him, at their table in her favorite restaurant, the candle light emphasizing her eyes and shrouding her bone structure in flattering shadows, he felt it like a kick to his stomach.

_Do it now,_ his mind yelled.

Isak reached into the pocket of his trousers and took out the ring. He opened the velvet box and paced it on the table between them. He heard the hitch of Emma's breath.

He'd walked into the jewelry store, three days ago, with one of Emma's favorite rings in his pocket, the one she wore on her right hand ring finger. Isak asked for something simple but beautiful and, after he rejected a bunch of other offerings, the clerk put _exactly that_ in front of him.

It was a simple design, white gold, with a clear cut diamond that weighed a couple of carats. Isak had given a half-hysterical laugh when he was told the price. He was frugal by nature, which was why he lived in a shitty, little apartment when he could afford much nicer accommodations. Isak didn't see any real point to that, though. He worked so much he hardly saw the inside of his flat.

That would obviously have to change once they got married-- he'd try to work a few hours a week less, and he'd buy them a house. He made enough money for both that and the ring so he bought it without another thought.

"Oh my god, Isak."

Emma wasn't looking at the ring, she'd barely spared it a glance. Instead she was looking at him, her eyes going misty despite the bright smile on her face and she'd never looked more beautiful to Isak than in that moment.

So he took a deep breath and asked the question that, the choices _he's_ made, have ultimately lead him to.

\----------

**EVEN**

Even arrived at his first day at Hartvig Nissen feeling like complete and utter like shit.

This year was supposed to his fresh start-- he was supposed to be away at film school, perusing his dreams and ambitions, where no one knew him or the baggage he carried.

But instead, last year he'd managed to be even more of a monumental fuck up than usual, and he was stuck doing third year again.

At least he'd fucked up big enough that his old school didn't want him anymore-- at this new school, he could be invisible, didn't have to keep up the _Even Bech Næsheim, life of the party and all around fun guy,_ persona.

Of course, a new school also meant not knowing anyone-- Even was still trying to figure out if _that_ was a good thing or not. Right now he was thinking _not._

He was having zero luck trying to find his assigned locker-- _the ones at Nissen were fucking tiny, what the actual fuck_ \-- when the bell rang and instead he had to go and find his first class.

He was completely lost after two minutes.

Fuck, he hated starting at a new school. Frustrated, Even ran a hand through his hair--

Completely forgetting that it was full of product, his sister, Eli's handiwork. That morning Even had wanted to simply pull his black cap over his head and throw on his rattiest hoodie-- but she'd insisted that looking like shit would just make him feel even more like shit, which Even didn't think was even possible-- but you couldn't argue with Eli when she got an idea into her head.

She'd just make him do it, whatever she wanted, because he was her little brother and she knew what was best for him and-- despite Even being nineteen years old and not a little kid who let her boss him around so he could play with her Barbies-- Eli still throught she could tell him what to do.

The truly sad part was, she probably wasn't entirely wrong.

Even grimached, wiping his gel covered hand on his jeans. He made his way further down the hallway when he heard a muttered, "For fuck's sake," followed by a groan of annoyance.

Even looked at the guy-- who spun around, leaned against the lockers and closed his eyes and-- banged the back his head against them in frustration.

Even stopped dead in his tracks.

The guy was blonde, shorter than him (but who wasn't) and that was all well and good-- but then he had these long eye lashes that fanned against his cheeks, casting gorgeous shadows over them and his nose, God, it was all upturned and pretty and-- apparently Even thought noses could be pretty, but not as pretty as the guy's mouth and _what the hell was wrong with him?_

The guy cursed again - a few times, actually - before he walked off--

And Even was still standing there, like an idiot, feeling like he was just hit by a car because-- _what?_

He'd never reacted to, just the sight of someone, like that before, girl _or guy_ and that was-- not cool.

It was _so not cool,_ because Sonja was still in the process of forgiving him for that thing two months ago with the girl who's name Even can't even remember because he was so fucked up at the time--

So no, it was not cool that Even felt such and intense, visceral attraction to someone who a) he didn't even know; and b) wasn't his fucking girlfriend.

He needed to stay away from that guy-- seriously. Even knew himself, he made bad decisions all the time, decisions that complicated everything and meant nothing but pain and chaos for the people he cared out.

And the last thing Even needed was more trouble in his life.

***

"...and this is my fiancee, Isak."

His teeth are different, is the first, asinine thought that Even's mind chooses to come up with, followed by, When did he have braces?

As he reaches out to shake the hand of the guy who was once - quite literally - the man of his dreams.

He tries to stay perfectly still, tries to ignore the jolt that goes through his entire body when their palms touch, and their fingers wrap around each other--

Isak's eyes seem to grow a little wider, darker, at their contact-- Even tells himself he's obviously imagining it.

Because he knows his own face is perfectly normal and friendly and not giving away a single hint of what his heart is doing inside of his chest right now.

And it's really not like-- it's not possible that Isak feels the same thing, the same electric spark that Even experiences, as their skin touches.

Even would have to be fucking delusional to think something that.

"It's nice to meet you," he says and, as Sonja says, "Hi again, Isak," Even forces his hand to let go of Isak's.

He watches as Sonja wraps her hand around Isak's and Even's fingers clench and form a fist-- as if he's trying to preserve some of the warmth from Isak's touch--

Sonja stops touching him.

Isak coughs.

"You too," he says, and looks back at Even-- his cheeks flush and there is no way-- no way this is happening right now.

Even's probably dreaming or something, he's had dreams like this before-- Sonja was even there occasionally, although the three of them had less clothes on at the time--

"I uh-- " Isak points at some random point over his shoulder, "... have to go talk to a friend," he says, "Enjoy the evening," before he turns and makes a break for it, like this is a situation he absolutely needs to get away from as soon as possible.

Sonja and Emma smile at his retreating form, seemingly oblivious to his freak out, before they start talking about... something that's all white noise to Even.

He watches as Isak stands with a dark haired, full figured woman, who looks concerned, her hand rubbing up and down his shoulder before--

They both turn, looking right at Even.

Isak startles-- and immediately looks away but the woman holds the stare, a contemplative look on her face before she takes Isak by his arm and pulls him from the room, towards one of the exits onto the balcony.

"I'm getting a drink," Even says as soon as they've moved from his line of sight, "Do either of you want anything?"

"A glass of champagne, please," Emma says and Sonja adds, "Me too," and Even goes to the bar to get a drink because maybe this will look a lot less like a complete disaster if he's drunk.

Yeah, he doesn't really believe that either.


	3. Chapter 3

**EVEN**

Okay, so Even thinks his initial reaction was perhaps... a bit much.

In retrospect, there was no reason for him to feel as if this was some big thing that happened. There's been a lot of big things that have happened lately, things that Even's still trying to wrap his brain around, but a guy he had a thing for in high school randomly showing up in his life isn't one of them.

Besides, he figures, he just needs to get through this _one thing--_ and when this night is over, he'll probably never see him again. Well, he'll probably be invited to the wedding seeing as Sonja and him got invited to tonight-- but that's it, basically--

Watch as Isak Valtersen celebrates his engagement to his gorgeous fiancee--

And then watch him marry her.

It's nothing. It doesn't mean anything to him and it's totally fine.

Even's got this.

Isak gets up from his chair at the head of the table, and clears his throat. There's the momentary sound of static from the small mic pinned onto the blue silk tie he's wearing with his dark suit-- and Even doesn't care how well it fits onto his form, like it wasn't just tailored but made from scratch to perfectly hug every inch of his body-- nope. Even couldn't give less of a fuck.

Isak says, "Hi, everyone," and he looks undeniably nervous. Despite sitting pretty far down the massive, stunningly decorated, dining table that seats all of Isak and Emma's fifty plus guests-- it's still possible for Even to tell that much.

Isak awkwardly continues-- "Thank you for being here with Emma and I tonight, to celebrate getting engaged," he smiles, ducks his head and Even's heart does something funny at the sight that shouldn't seem familiar, not after so long, but somehow still does.

"I-- um-- I was told I needed to make a speech and I-- I immediately wanted to hand that over to Jonas, I mean, I figured that's the best man's job, right?"

Jonas is the curly haired brunette-- the best friend, Even remembers. He didn't recognize him earlier but he does now.

A few people laugh, one blonde guy that also looks vaguely familiar to Even says, "That's at the wedding, idiot," and Isak nods his head, "Yes, thank you, Magnus."

"You're welcome, buddy."

Everyone laughs again, Isak smiles as well and he seems to relax slighty, his shoulders dropping down a little from its former tensed up position.

"I'm not good at speeches, I don't-- talk much at all, really. It's not my thing. Emma though, she loves the sound of her own voice and I could..." Isak's eyes go soft, undeniably so, as he looks at the woman sitting in the chair next to him. She really is gorgeous-- not nearly blonde enough to be anything close to Even's type, but he can see it-- see why Isak would look at her like that.

"I could listen to her voice for the rest of my life," he says-- as if he's saying it to her and only her.

"Oh my god," Sonja whispers from next to Even, who hears more, similar noises of appreciation for Isak's little display.

Eventually Isak looks away from Emma, back down the table, at the people he's supposed to be making his speech to.

"Emma and I didn't have the most romantic of first meetings..."

He gets a playful look on his face-- it makes him look younger-- a lot more like the boy who was the focus of Even's infatuation for one long year, a long time ago. It's a little unnerving to see it.

"I'm sure Maria doesn't want me to tell you about it since it involves her coming into the bathroom where-- "

"Isak Valtersen, _I swear to God--"_ some blonde girl yells, from closer to where Even's sitting.

Some of the people at the head of the table laugh along with Isak, obviously knowing the story of whatever he's referring to. Emma's got her hand over her mouth, trying to stifle her laughter and failing spectacularly. Isak shakes his head, "The point is, Maria was very unladylike, I was an idiot and Emma was..." He takes a deep breath, seemingly to gear up for some great revelation.

"Emma is the most beautiful person I've ever known, inside and out. The kindest, most wonderful friend anyone could asks for. She's one of the few people I've been able to unquestionably rely on and she was that... pretty much from the moment I met her."

Isak turns back to his fiancee, takes her hand and urges her out of her chair-- so she's standing next to him and he's looking into her eyes, still holding onto her hand.

"I don't know how you've put up with me for so long-- and I'm honored that you'd want to keep doing it and I love you, Emma. So much, baby-- "

At which point Emma bursts into tears, everyone bursts into applause, and the two of them start kissing him and-- okay.

Well. That settles _that._

"They really love each other," Sonja says.

"Yes."

Even claps along with everyone else, even if he can't feel it-- his hands as numb as the rest of his body.

"They do."

***

_Here's what Even's life looked like before his sister was diagnosed with breast cancer:_

He had two jobs--

The first as an editorial cartoonist for a well established newspaper; the second as an illustrator for an up and coming satirical website.

He lived in a pretty nice house--

After living with Sonja's parents for the first couple of years of their marriage, they'd finally saved enough money to buy a house. One they could really see themselves living in, growing in, and, eventually, raising their kids in.

He knew he wanted to become a dad but he wasn't sure when--

Sonja had said, almost a year ago, "I think I'm ready," and Even wanted to say, "Me too," but he wasn't. Just the thought that he might pass on his fucked up genes to his kid was enough to make him lose sleep at night.

Sonja understood because that's what she does. It's what she's always done.

That was the three main concerns in his life-- continuing to persue a successful career, providing for his family and deciding when it would be the right time to expand on it.

Just that.

And it would fucking stress him out.

Not because any of these things were particularly stressful--

There were moments when they were, because life is like that, even when it's as close to perfect as it can get, it's never there completely, there's always things like deadlines or his car breaking down or Sonja nagging the fuck out of him or his meds needing adjustment--

But those were small things, manageable things. Normal things that normal people dealt with everyday and Even--

He wasn't made for normal, not when he was made from chaos. It was his head, his mind and all his thoughts-- the way his brain chemistry flowed together, despite the drugs they gave him.

Because it could alter his behavior but nothing could change that fundamental truth--

He was destruction.

He was entropy.

He was all these things when his brother called him and told him about Eli--

"You're the only one who can do it, Even. Mom and dad are dead. And I'm-- with the divorce happening there's no way that I-- I'm a mess, Even. Eli needs someone strong like you to take care of her. Someone who actually has it together."

Even is a satarist by profession, he knows the definition of irony--

Fuck it.

He's always been a sucker for a good tragedy.

\---

**ISAK**

There is one place he can always go-- when he needs to get his mind off things for a while and just relax-- no serious thoughts or pressures or expectations from anyone.

And yes, it helps that it's somewhere good for him to hide from Linda.

"So this is where you've been hiding?"

Scratch that-- _terrible_ hiding spot. The absolute worst.

The pink little thing laying inside the incubator in front of Isak, manages to blink at him, unseeing eyes looking up, in what otherwise, would have been a pretty intense stare. They're a gorgeous green color and Isak wonders if they'll change as she gets older-- or if the pale, almost platinum locks on her head will darken as it grows out. So many things will happen for her, he thinks, all these changes and new experiences-- a whole new life and whatever she wants to make of it.

"How do you get Johnson to allow you in here?" Linda asks, and Isak supposes he can't ignore her _forever._ He pulls a face as he reached back into incubator, his fingers finding the baby's hand.

"I bribe his interns not to tell him-- he's such an ass. It's not like I'm trying to be their doctor, I'm just saying hi-- "

He turns back to the baby - _Annette_ she'd been named.

"...isn't that right, Annette? I brought you into this world, surely I'm allowed to say hello?"

Linda scoffs behind him, "Im betting her mother would disagree with you on that one, seeing as she was the one who did all the work."

Isak laughs, "Surrogate, actually-- but your point still stands."

"Oh?"

"Hmm...two dads. One was oversees on business when she started contractions-- the other one was sent away by Johnson two hours ago to get some sleep."

"How many weeks?"

"Thirty-one," Isak says, "It's okay, she came out strong."

"I can see that," Lisa says, staring at where the baby's got her hand wrapped around Isak's finger.

They're quiet for a moment, both watching little Annette and Isak thinks that might be it until--

"Listen, Isak. About last night-- "

"What about it," he asks and takes his hand out, away from the baby, and gets up off the chair.

He walks around Linda, taking off his gloves and throwing it in disposal, "I just had a bit of nerves," he says, "You know how I am about talking in front of a lot of people. Every time I teach a class, you have to talk me up for it. This wasn't any different."

"I-- yes, I know but..."

Isak just gives her an expectant look.

"That man," she says--

Isak prays to God his face doesn't do anything incriminating at those words.

She didn't mention it last night-- but he knew she would today.

Hence the hiding.

"Even Bech Næsheim," Isak tells her-- because he might as well. "He was at my school, third year when I was in second and he's married to a friend of Emma's. I just met him last night."

Linda raises both eyebrows, "Really?"

"Yes, why do you sound so doubtful about that?"

"It's just-- he looked like he knew you, that's all."

"No," Isak tells her. "That's not-- "

He takes a breath, he needs to calm down.

He told himself-- there's no reason to freak out about this.

"I didn't even know his name before last night," he says and that--

It's the truth.

_Whatever else happened._

That's still the truth.

Jesus, he needs to stop thinking about this-- needs to get drunk, already.

"I'm skipping out early tonight," he tells Linda. "The boys are only here for one more night and we're making it count."

"Okay," Linda smiles at him, apparently she's letting the subject drop. Isak is surprised but not ungrateful.

She moves towards the door, Isak follows after her.

"...but you're taking my two morning consults tomorrow to make up for it," she tells him, when they're past the nurse's station, inside the hallway.

Isak stops walking, "How the fuck, Linda? I'm going to be fucked up-- the whole point was I only needed to be in by ten tomorrow!"

"You're just gonna have to deal, sweetheart," she says,pulling him along in that way she has, "You're young and agile, I'm sure you'll manage."

"Fuck this," Isak says as they step inside the elevator, "I'm switching over to pediatrics, I can't take your fucking tyranny."

Linda arches a brow, "Did I mention that the first consult is for a twenty-six weeks fetoscopic surgery?"

Oh, shit.

"Did I mention that you're the fucking love of my life?"

"Not today," Linda laughs. "And not nearly enough."


	4. Chapter 4

**ISAK**

There is just a one thing that Isak wants out of tonight and that's to get completely shit-faced drunk with his friends-- something that, if he actually thinks about it, he probably hasn't done since his high school days.

The question of whether that takes place at a bar or a club or in his cramped apartment, isn't one he is particularly concerned with, so when Emma mentions that Isak and the boys should come over to her shared house - _where more than half of the girls living there are models_ Mahdi points out, he, Jonas and Magnus-- _especially_ Magnus-- are more than keen on the idea. Isak thought it would just be the three of them but it's fine, he can roll with the new plan too. As long as there's beer and vodka, he's good with whatever.

There's a shit lot of people at the house when they get there. Isak stands in the middle of the crowded living room and looks around but he doesn't spot Emma.

"That Tasha is so fucking hot, dude," Magnus says, "I seriously think I'm in with a shot there." Isak doesn't mean to laugh-- it just happens and when Magnus punches him in he arm, he isn't surprised. "You didn't see, she was all over me last night."

Isak shakes his head, "Yeah, alright, man," he searches until he spots the table where the alcohol is kept. Without a moment of hesitation, Isak heads straight towards it. He skips the beer, going straight for the liquor and forgoes chasing it with anything. Isak swallows it down, the burn harsh and heavy in his throat, making him regret it slightly.

"Dude, what the fuck? Shouldn't you know better?"

Isak frowns at Jonas, "Huh?"

"Than to give yourself alcohol poisoning?"

Isak rolls his eyes and refills his empty glass to about half way-- to appease Jonas, he adds some soda to it, raises his drink, "Happy now?"

Jonas laughs, "Trying to get fucked up?"

Isak makes a non-committal noise.

They talk for a while, mostly about irrelevant shit, Emma's hot friends, etcetera. Isak doesn't really contribute, he doesn't have much to offer on the remarks that are being made about all the hot chicks in the room. It's not right to objectify women like that and if someone overheard, it could get back to Emma. Instead he drinks till his glass is empty and fills it up again and ignores the looks that Jonas keeps sending him. They're a little to reminiscent of old days and the last thing Isak wants to be reminded about right now is the fucked up mess he once was.

He looks around again, looking for Emma and-- _there she is._ And not a moment too soon. God, Isak forgot how maudlin alcohol makes him. But Emma always makes it better when he starts thinking about his mom again. She spots him too-- and heads over.

Emma looks absolutely thrilled to see him, she kind of always does but ever since Isak put that ring on her finger, it's like she never stops smiling. "Hey," he says, and kisses her deeply. Emma makes a startled noise but relaxes a second later and kisses him back with just as much enthusiasm. Isak tries his best to drown himself in it and push everything else aside, every fucked up decision, all the past mistakes and skeletons that want to come crawling out of his closet--

When he comes back up for air, the guys aren't around anymore. Isak searches the room and spots them standing with a group of girls, Tasha amoung them. Well, good luck to you, Magnus.

Isak turn back to his girl, "Hey," he says again, smiling at Emma, "This is a lot more people than I thought," he adds.

Emma nods her head, "Yeah, I guess everyone's still celebrating," and that's when Isak looks around and notices that most of last night's guest list showed up.

"Did you-- uh-- d'you invite _everyone_ from last night?"

Emma shrugs, "Pretty much," she says and Isak's mind instantly goes to the guy-- _Even--_ Even Bech Næsheim. It suits him-- a cool name for a cool dude, Isak thinks. That was the first thought he ever had about Even. _That guy is so cool._ He didn't see Even when he came in, or in the close to an hour that he's been here. Is Even here? With his-- with his wife. Sonja. Her name is Sonja. Isak learned that yesterday as well.

"That couple from last night," he asks Emma, "...your friend Sonja and uh-- I can't remember the guy's name-- "

"Even," an odd look crosses Emma's face-- if Isak had to guess, he'd say it was sadness, although he has no idea why just saying his name would make Emma sad. Not knowing his name made Isak sad, once upon a time. Well, not _sad_ exactly. "No," Emma says, snapping Isak out of-- whatever that was. "I mean...I told Sonja about tonight but they already came out last night and-- "

"Hmm?" Isak prompts, when Emma seems to hesitate.

"Even's sister is really sick," she says, "...some kind of cancer. I think it's really bad and that's why they moved out here, to take care of her. So they can't just, you know, come out and party."

"Fuck," Isak takes a gulp of his drink, this time it doesn't burn nearly enough-- "That's gotta be hard as hell on him." Is it strange-- how strongly Isak sympathizes with the guy? Feels for him? His chest kind of hurts and his throat also hurts in a way that has nothing to do with the alcohol-- or no, maybe it does. Because he might be a little drunk already. Nah, he's _definitely_ drunk. That's good. That's what he was aiming for.

But he miscalculated-- forgot what a sad drunk he becomes sometimes. All he wanted was to forget... everything. And instead here he is-- his head foggy from drink and his mind somewhere it doesn't belong.

"Why did you ask?"

"What? Oh, about if they're here?" At Emma's nod, he says, "Just-- you know-- you said she doesn't have many friends here and I figured... " Isak doesn't really know what he figured, to be honest. But Emma appears to believe his bullshit-- as usual.

"That's sweet," she smiles at him, "Do you think I should-- I could invite them to dinner tomorrow? To your place, obviously."

Isak doesn't think so-- in fact, he thinks that for the sake of his own sanity he shouldn't be allowed to be in the same room as those two. It's not like-- it's not as if when Isak looks at him, all he can do is remember. Isak doesn't even remember. There's nothing to remember so-- it's probably fine then. Because he doesn't remember.

"Yeah," he slurs a little bit. He actually has no idea how many vodkas he's had. Shit, his tolerance has become pathetic. Anyway-- _Even._ And seeing Even. Yes.

"Yeah," he tells Emma. "Yeah, that sounds like a great idea."

\-------

**EVEN**

_This is a terrible idea._

Even wants it stated for the record - in formal writing and notarized and filed away for safe keeping - that he thinks this is the worst idea that's ever been conceived-- which would be a little difficult since he can't actually tell anyone about _why_ exactly it's a bad idea.

There's been a few times where he's wished his wife wasn't his closest and, for the most part, only confidant. This happens to be one of those times. It's not like he could go, "Honey, we really shouldn't accept Emma's dinner invitation because it's going to be awkward as hell for me." Because then she'll want to know _why_ and Even doesn't want to deal with a hurt, angry and disappointed Sonja-- not ever but especially not now. Not when he has everything else to deal with.

But then, of course, Eli overheard the phone conversation between Sonja and Emma this morning, heard Sonja tell her they won't be able to make it.

So Eli got upset and started up with the, _I don't want to be your burden_ spiel and Even hates that-- for her to use what little energy she has to yell and be upset with him.

A part of him just wanted to tell her to suck it up and deal-- she never believes him anyway, when he says he's here because it's where he wants to be. Arguing with Eli is some kind of second nature, they did through their entire childhood and adolescence but there's a difference between the way they bicker and the way they fight and he doesn't want to fight with her-- he can't.

So when Sonja says, "Even, Lisbeth _is_ coming over tonight and this is just upsetting Eli. We should probably just go, okay?" What the hell was Even suppose to say to that?

So Even gives in and agrees, and he gets ready and they get into his car and they go. To Isak's place.

Fuck, it's such a shit idea.

Their flat isn't what he expected-- knowing Isak's job, and exactly which hospital he works for (there was a girl seated close to them on Friday, who just wouldn't shut up about what a good prospect for marriage Isak Valtersen is) combined with the scale and grandeur of the engagement party--

Even expected...something other than the small, loft apartment he steps inside when Emma opens the door for them. The living room, kitchen, bedroom-- everything except the bathroom it seems-- is just one room and a large bed stands on one side of the room. It's closed off behind a screen but Even can still make out most of it and he tries not to flush at the sight.

The space doesn't look that cramped though-- a wooden floor and large windows helps to brighten it up. There's also a couch and an armchair, coffee table and a small dining table. The kitchen area is tiny and it's clear that someone's been busy in there.

"Excuse the mess," Emma says, and it's clear she's misinterpreted his surprise as disapproval-- he really wasn't judging, it looks like a comfortable space to live in. "I got started a little later than I wanted because Isak came late from work and couldn't let me in earlier."

"He had to let you in?" Even asks, Sonja nudges him in the side because she thinks he's being rude to Emma. Even doesn't know if he is-- doesn't mean to be. He just knows he wishes he wasn't in this situation.

"Oh, we don't live together yet," Emma says, and she sounds like that fact doesn't sit well with her. But then she adds, " I mean, there's hardly space for Isak in here."

Even doesn't point out that it's weird she doesn't have a key to her fiancee's apartment-- _that_ would be fucking rude. And it's none of his business. Isak chooses that moment to come out of the bathroom and Even has to work very hard not to swallow his own tongue-- it's not fair for someone to be this attractive, in all honesty.

As a teenager, Isak was already gorgeous-- he looked so good that, just catching sight of him was enough to send Even's imagination into overdrive, coming up with all sorts of scenarios that he was sure would never happen. Even sported _a lot_ of inappropriate erections that year.

But as a man, Isak--

Even obviously _knew_ because he'd seen him two days ago and what a fucking sight-- with his hair slicked back and wearing that God damn suit that didn't just torture Even during the party but haunted his fucking sleep that night as well. He'd woken up on Saturday morning, hard and half-mad with lust-- Sonja didn't seemed to mind-- why would she when she can't see inside of Even's fucked up head? He'd tried to fuck his guilt away.

"Christ, Even, what the hell got into you?" she'd panted afterward, a massive fucking grin on her face.

Yeah, so sex didn't really help all that much with the guilt.

Seeing Isak again-- like this, it makes all of that come back tenfold in a rush of... _something_ that feels like it's going to choke the life out of Even.

He shouldn't look better in jeans and a soft looking white sweater-- than he did Friday night in a what was probably a bespoke fucking suit-- but there you have it. Isak's hair curls over his forehead and around his ears and he looks so _soft_ and Even's fucked. Somehow he needs to get through this dinner and he has no idea how he's supposed to do it.

"Hi, Sonja," Isak says-- a pause, "Even." He steps forward and hugs Sonja and then shakes Even's hand-- and this time, unlike Friday night, Isak looks into his eyes.

Even swallows around the rightness in his throat and says, "Hello, Isak."

His hand clenches tight in Even's grip, as if tensing at the greeting. The smile on Isak's face - a little strained around the edges but you wouldn't notice unless you were looking for it - doesn't falter. It's clear that somewhere between their previous encounter and this moment, Isak got his shit together.

Even needs to do the same.

***

Emma's food is great apparently, Even doesn't know-- he doesn't taste anything.

He hates himself for sitting here, next to his wife and across from a stranger and feeling sick to his stomach with something he doesn't have a name for.

_Attraction?_

It should be as simple as that but this doesn't feel simple-- and it's not, it's all wrapped up in things unpoken and Emma and Sonja have decided they're friends. That seems to be a thing that is happening and-- _what?_ Even's just supposed to do this, be around Isak, and pretend like everything is fine and normal?

But God knows, he's had the practice to be able to pull it off, right? He pretends every fucking day like he can do it, he's got this-- the whole life thing is working out great for him and he's totally making a success of his adulthood, he's left behind the fuck up he used to be.

The kind that hooks up with guys who ignore him and go on to act like it never happened.

"I need to-- " He's not in his chair anymore-- Even realizes.

Everyone's looking at him, frowns of concern on their faces, especially Sonja, who probably thinks this is the start of Even having an episode or something.

He isn't. He just-- doesn't know how to do this. How to be a normal human being around Isak Valtersen.

"I have to call my sister, excuse me," he says and turns away from the table, heading for the door before any of the other three occupants can say anything.

Even does, in fact, call home to check on Eli-- from a combination of feeling bad for using her as an excuse and general anxiety over her well-being. She insists she's fine, a note of complaint in her voice, like she's just _so done_ with him. It makes him smile, always does, the days when she feels up to being herself-- an annoying little shit.

"I love you," he tells her and she sighs but returns the sentiment before she tells him to get back to his friends and hangs up.

_His friends._

That's exactly what he's pretending these people are-- and he doesn't know how to make that stop.

The door opens up and Even straightens out his expression, turns to face Sonja.

Except it isn't Sonja he comes face to face with.

Isak closes the door behind himself.

"Let's take a walk."

Even gapes for a good few seconds. "What?"

Isak shrugs like it's no big deal, "I told Emma and Sonja that we're gonna go and get some air, come on." And then he walks past and towards the stairs, like he fully expects Even to follow after him.

And Even - who's never once claimed to be the paradigm of good decision making - fuck--

He does exactly that.


	5. Chapter 5

**ISAK**

When he was seventeen years old, Isak did something very stupid. The context for this stupid decision is very important and shouldn't be disregard when judging him for it. Not that anyone's ever going to know enough about it to judge him--

Okay, there is one exception. One person. But it's not like they were exactly innocent in the whole thing either, so-- to be casting aspersions on Isak for it would be fucking hypocritical.

The context: a few months before Isak started upper secondary school, his mom started acting strange. At first it was small things, losing things, forgetting things and then blaming it on Isak or his dad. She'd get angry and scream at them sometimes and then she'd cry about it for hours afterwards. She'd get fixated on things and ideas-- especially religion, which - despite having a long held belief in God and making Isak go to church with her and his dad every Sunday - Ingrid Valtersen wasn't actually obsessed with before.

But she quickly became so-- spent days and weeks reading The Bible, front to back. Over and over again. She'd sit Isak down and talk for hours at him about God's majesty and His work and His plans for Isak. About His wrath and judgement if Isak ever strayed from His plan. It was stressful as hell, especially the parts where she went on and on about sin and damnation and hell fire.

Isak didn't have any particular inclination towards sinful acts but it still scared him. He didn't know if he actually believed in God but he believed in his mom-- or he used to-- and so he began substituting her words about God for simply _her words._

Instead of fearing God's-- he feared _her_ wrath and judgement-- if he ever strayed from _her_ plan.

It all became so much worse when Isak's father left-- only to come back a few months later, but still, it did enough-- a further fracture in Ingrid's already unstable mind.

His mother went insane and it was just Isak left-- just him. He had to hear her yell and scream, so often at him, and cry and pray-- all the time-- so fucking loud, he couldn't sleep. _He couldn't ever sleep._ His own sobs weren't enough to drown hers out. His mother was going crazy and Isak-- he felt as if he was losing it as well.

So he left her too-- abandoned and left Ingrid to her insanity.

It was only for a couple of months, early into the school year. Eskild found him, housed him and Isak stayed there until his dad went back to her.

It was a huge fight, it sucked, Isak hated and resented it-- them-- for dragging him back into the fucked up mess that was their lives. But his father was adamant.

Isak went home.

When the physical symptoms started, it was too late.

Isak and his dad didn't do enough, they'd had left her alone-- waited too long to come back and missed too many of the signs--

The tumor was too big to remove.

Inoperable. Fatal. Five weeks-- that's all it took.

Five weeks and she was gone.

He wanted to die too.

Not literally, he told Emma. _I wouldn't actually do it. I'd got to hell and make her sad._

She gave him the saddest look he'd ever seen-- this girl he didn't really know. That he treated like shit but still-- she decided to be here, promised she'd carry him until he could walk again. She believed he could when-- Isak just _didn't._

He thought he'd always feel like this-- just wanted to cry and die and hide in his bed from his guilt and self-loathing and anger.

He was _so_ angry, sometimes it felt like he couldn't see straight.

Sometimes he couldn't look at Emma-- or rather-- couldn't have her look at him. See the wrongness and the wrong questions inside of his head. See the reasons he wanted to get away from his mother in the first place. See what really killed her. Or would have, if she knew.

One day that should have been just another Saturday in the aftermath-- he couldn't-- just couldn't let Emma - who was good and kind and told him that morning that she loved him--

He didn't want her in his bed, holding him and comforting him because he didn't deserve that because there was something wrong with him.

Right? Because with Emma, he didnt-- He thought. He wondered--

He had to _know_

So Isak did the stupid thing--

And his mother would have hated him because of it - he _knew_ \- the tumor might have made her act weird but it didn't make her crazy-- she still believed what she said, right? It had to come from somewhere, her beliefs. She'd always been a Christian. That had nothing to do with the thing inside her head so it would have broken her heart to know what he did.

It would break Emma's heart if he ever told her.

So he didn't. He never told anyone. No one ever knew. Except for one person.

The same person who's standing in front of Isak, ten years later and five streets away from his apartment and wants to know from him, "What are we doing?"

And Isak thinks, _Nothing at all,_ after all-- you don't make the same mistake twice.  
\---

**EVEN**

"Getting away from your wife and my girlfriend-- well, _fiancee_ I should say."

_Okay._ Okay, Even thinks. So they're acknowledging-- what? What's happening right now?

He looks around them because he doesn't want to look at Isak. There's something about the calmness in his eyes that completely unnerves Even-- reminds him a bit too much the last time he'd seen this nonchalance in Isak's demeanor--

Isak stopped them near a park and Even spots a bench a few meters away and walks towards it and as he does so, Isak falls into step beside him.

Even asks, "And that's necessary because... "

Isak doesn't answer immediately, sits down and Even sits next to him-- as far away as possible. He doesn't want to make it weird. Isak leans forward, his elbows on his knees as he rubs his hands together.

He isn't looking at Even when he says, "Don't act obtuse," and then he does turn-- he looks right into Even's eyes and says, "We've obviously got ourselves a slight situation here."

Even gives a startled laugh, shakes his head and looks off to the side. God, Isak Valtersen sure is _something_ Even can't believe him right now. He has no idea what to fucking say to that. Seriously-- _"Slight situation."_

"Well," Isak says-- and he sounds annoyed. Frustrated. Already. Good sign moving forward in this conversation. Even turns back and can't help but notice the prominent crease between his brows. For an insane second he wants to run his thumb there, like he can rub his frown away. So much for Even not being weird. "What the hell would you call it?"

"I don't know," Even says because he doesn't.

He has no idea what to call these set of circumstances. It's like-- it's not a big deal, right? It was forever ago. But then it _is_ a big deal because he doesn't know how to act around Isak. Probably they just need to talk about it. Clear the air. But yeah-- _slight situation?_ What the fuck?

"I have no idea," he admits. "God, I was surprised you even recognized me, to be honest-- not like you once took a second look in my direction."

"I didn't need to. We never agreed on that." Isak says-- and there's not a hint of kindness or politeness in his voice. It's fucking ice. He's being a complete dick right now but that's what Even's used to with him. It's not like he doesn't remember what an asshole the guy was to him. It's Isak's default when Even is around, apparently. "It was a stupid mistake, I told you that."

"Yeah, okay," Even says, and he doesn't try to match Isak's cold tone, tries not to show any of his frustration.

_What the fuck was it about this guy?_ Even doesn't get it-- it can't just be that he was hot, right? Even's pretty sure he's not that fucking shallow-- so what did Isak do to him to make him such an idiot back then?

He tries to get his voice as close to, _I don't give a fuck,_ as possible because he knows, intellectually, that he shouldn't. He does. Obviously. But he shouldn't. "I'm good with pretending like it never happened."

"You are?" Isak asks, and he sounds so fucking surprised and Even hates himself for being so fucking transparent to this asshole. He kind of wants to yell, "Fuck you-- you don't know me," but he's not gonna do that as it would be counter productive to his goal of leaving this conversation with at least some of his dignity in tact.

Instead he says, "I'm not gonna tell anyone," Even knows-- sounding dead serious and leaving no room for Isak to doubt that he means it. He says it as a pure fact. No suggestion, no expectation of reciprocation of the statement. It isn't necessary. Probably the last thing Isak Valtersen wants is for someone to find this out about him. So Even isn't surprised when he says, "Neither will I."

"Okay," Even agrees and then that's it-- it's settled. They've said what they needed to say, heard what they needed to hear and, despite everything-- Even trusts him. He thinks Isak trusts him too. To keep his secrets, at least.

"Emma told me about your sister," Isak says, apropos of nothing, and Even feels himself startle, his breath coming up short because, _what the fuck?_

"It's fucking awful having a family member go through that," he continues and Even wants to punch him in the face. "...but I don't have to tell you that. You already know."

Even forces himself to calm down, be reasonable-- somehow he gets the feeling he'll have to do it a lot when he's around Isak - for various reasons-- and he just looks at Isak and Isak looks back and-- oh. _Oh._ Shit. Okay.

"So do you," Even says.

"Yeah," Isak looks away and shrugs, like he's trying to shake off any effect this conversation has on him. Despite the fact that _Isak_ was the one to bring it up, Even decides to let the subject drop dead between them. He doesn't want to get into the stuff with Eli with this guy. He doesn't even know him. Like-- Even knows him biblically but. He doesn't _know_ know him. He expects for Isak to respect his own right to privacy too and not pry.

"What stage is it?" Isak asks, because he apparently can't read a fucking cue and take a fucking hint.

"Stage four," Even says for some reason. Shit. "Started out that way-- about a year ago."

"Fucking hell," Isak says.

Even wishes he had a cigarette right now-- or maybe he just wants something in his hands, something to focus on besides the empathy in Isak's voice that isn't even a little bit patronizing and makes Even feel strange.

"Pretty much," he says.

Don't pry-- don't go any further-- fucking stop it-- it's none of your business--

"How is she-- uh-- "

"She's strong," Even says. Jesus, _this guy,_ What is he asking these questions for-- and why the fuck is Even answering-- "She's always been-- all through all my shit-- " Shit. "Uh-- anyway-- Eli's gonna be okay. She isn't right now but..."

"Just take it one day at a time," Isak says and seriously-- Even really wants to punch him. He wants to cry too-- maybe. Also hug him. _Jesus Christ,_ this kid makes a mess of him.

_Not a kid,_ he reminds himself. _Not anymore._

There's silence between them, it might be awkward, whatever--

Even looks at Isak and he wants to fucking see inside his head, how the pieces fit together in there so Isak can justify this conversation-- their history-- to himself. How he can just _sit there_ and-- if this was an episode of Sherlock, Even's sure there would be question marks floating all around Isak right now from Even's scrutiny. Isak squirms underneath it but he doesn't look away.

Isak seems two seconds away from giving him an apology, he parts those pretty lips, "I-- uh-- "

"Thank you," Even interrupts him.

The look of confusion Isak gives him is absolutely adorable. Even wants to set himself on fire. "Huh?"

Even tells him, "I think I've been needing to hear that for a while so-- _thank you."_

"Um-- " Isak blinks. And then again. Then he seems to finally process what Even just said-- nods his head, "Yeah, no, it's fine. I'm super good at sage advice so..."

Even waits but Isak doesn't continue. He gives him an expectant look and when Isak opens his mouth, he says the last fucking thing Even was expecting--

"You have really expressive eyebrows."

It startles a laugh out of Even-- Isak actually smiles.

It's small but it's there. It does things to Even.

That thought sobers him up pretty quickly.

"Yeah," he says, "I've heard that before."

This silence is definitely awkward and--

Even can only take _so much_ whiplash from Isak.

"We should get back," he says, getting up off the bench. "The girls are waiting."

Even wonders if Isak realizes he's frowning at Even's words. He probably doesn't.

Isak Valtersen is going to be the end of him, Even swears. Fuck-- this could be fucking dangerous. He needs to be fucking careful here or everything will be fucked.

Isak might not realize-- but Even-- he does.


	6. Chapter 6

**EVEN**

Sonja's still asleep next to him and Even's trying to convince himself that he should get up and start working on some of his illustrations due next weekend, when a soft knock comes at his bedroom door.

He gets up, mindful not to wake Sonja-- it's just gone past 6 in the morning and Even doesn't know how Eli knows he's been lying awake for however many hours, staring at the ceiling in the dark-- maybe she just has a sixth sense about these things. He steps out into the hallway, goes into the living room to find her and hopes she's okay. There hasn't been any really bad moments these past few days but he knows well enough that in a second it could all take a turn for the worst. Even's heart leaps in his chest when he sees her.

Eli's wearing a tracksuit and running shoes-- she raises both her eyebrows at his appraisal, probably the look he's wearing, an amused smile tugging at her mouth.

"Yeah?" Even checks, although he's pretty sure he isn't dreaming right now.

_"Yes,_ Even," she says. "Get dressed, come on. I've let you get away with being lazy long enough."

Even resists the urge to hug her and walks back into his room to put on some tracks.

***

They don't jog very fast or very far--

Even tries his best to not act like this is some kind of miracle.

It's not-- it's a result of Eli's hard work and treatment. And that's cool and everything but Even's chill. He can totally be chill about this-- and not start crying or something.

They stop at a coffee shop near Eli's house once they've circled back. Even orders something sugary just to see her pull her face. Eli orders some kind of carrot and beetroot smoothie thing and Even doesn't pull his face. Obviously the fucking smoothies are helping, like-- _look at her._

"Can we not act like this is some big thing right now?" She asks.

Even tries to sound casual, "You don't wanna talk about how you're feeling?" He takes a sip of his chocolate/coffee concoction-- it's great. Literally the best thing he's tasted in weeks.

Eli shrugs, "I feel like that's all I talk about to anyone-- my doctors, Lisbeth and you guys and my friends-- who look at me like I'm a ghost when I see them, just-- _something else_ please.

"Something else?" Even frowns-- completely clueless. He knows he can't say _there's literally nothing besides your health and happiness occupying my life or thoughts these days._ That would only make her feel guilty and sad. And with Eli sitting across from him, bathed in morning light and flushed from exercise, that's the last thing he wants.

He forces himself to think of something-- and there's only really one thing he can come up with. And well. He's kind of desperate.

"You know Sonja's new friend?" He asks, before he has a chance to change his mind.

"The one she knew back home? _Emma,_ was it? What about her?" Eli asks.

Even takes a deep breath-- he knows he shouldn't. He _promised._ He trusts Eli more than anyone else in the world but...

"Even, what is it? Don't tell me you-- "

Even takes a sip of his coffee and Eli's face goes all horrified, yet amused. And then concerned. And then even more concerned.

"Shit, Sonja's gonna blow a fucking gasket," she says, "What a bitch-- pretending to be her friend when-- "

_Oh,_ Even realizes. _No, no, no..._ "You've got it wrong," he finally stops her. "So so wrong. I never hooked up with Emma, okay? Calm down."

Eli's eyes narrow with suspicion. "You were wearing that look, Even-- the _I put my dick somewhere it doesn't belong,_ look and I know it well 'cause you-- "

_"Jesus Eli,_ can we please not bring up-- "

"--had it when you were sixteen and you fucked Anna."

"Christ," Even leans his elbows on the table and covers his face with his hands.

Seriously-- this is the real reason he shouldn't tell her shit. She keeps his secrets, sure, but then she's completely merciless about them.

"You promised to never speak of that again."

"I promised not to tell Finn or anyone else-- mostly because I don't want to see my big brother kill my baby brother but..."

Even looks back up at her, "Thanks for that," he says dryly.

"You're welcome," Eli smirks. "So tell me-- who did you fuck this time that you shouldn't have?"

"You can't tell a single fucking soul, Eli. Promise me. Please."

Eli rolls her eyes, "I swear I'll take it to my grave, which, lucky for you, could be sooner-- "

Even throws her in the face with a sugar packet. Eli laughs. Even sighs. His life. Seriously.

"It wasn't like Anna," he says. "I wasn't manic, drunk-- or either of those things so..."

"Okay," Eli nods, "...points to you for fucking up while completely in your right mind."

"It wasn't a _mistake-- "_ Well...It was but-- "...not then," Even says, his voice small, "It didn't feel like it at the time."

"Even?" Eli's hand finds his across the table. "Honey...are you okay?"

Even exhales and-- fuck. He just says it. "Remember that guy from Nissen?"

Eli's face does something then-- that, despite knowing her his whole life-- Even doesn't begin to understand. _"Isak?"_ She asks.

And okay. _What._

"You fucking remember his name?"

"Are you serious, Even? Yes, I remember his name. He's all you talked about for close to a whole year-- "

Even winches.

Because it's true. He was very much pathetic.

"Well," Even says, taking his hand back and folding his arms over his chest. "Guess who's Emma's fiancee?"

For about a minute, Eli just kind of...looks at him. Then she fucking laughs and says, "Your fucking life, man."

And Even laughs too, can't help it-- because wasn't he just thinking that same thing two minutes ago?

"Shit," Eli says, sobering up, "I'm guessing you're not telling Sonja about this?"

Even raise his eyebrows, "Can you imagine how she'd react? We weren't together when-- _it happened_ but-- we were for most of when I was..."

"Complete in love with him?"

What. No, fuck. "Fuck's sake, Eli. Don't be ridiculous."

"Oh, yeah, it's totally ridiculous to think that you were in love with him," she says, rolling her eyes at Even.

"I didn't even know him," Even says, resents the hint of complaint and unhappiness in his voice. What's up with that, anyway?

"And?" Eli asks.

Even frowns, "And what?"

"You must have gotten to know him a little bit by now? Does he live up to the idea you'd dreamt him up to be?"

Even thinks about that for a second, tries to actually consider it honestly. Is Isak Valtersen everything that Even had hoped he was?

"I wouldn't say he's _nice_ but uh-- he's good, I guess? Kind. You just kind of get that vibe from him. And I mean-- he's sort of a dick but-- he delivers babies, you know? So he can't be _that much_ of a dick because again, _babies._

"He's funny, quick as a whip and he doesn't smile easily-- but when he does it's kind of amazing," Even shrugs, "But no, he definitely doesn't live up to my idea of him."

Eli's got a strange, considering look in her eyes, as she asks, "How could all of that _possibly_ not live up to your idea?"

"Because," Even tells her, "I never imagined him in love with someone else, did I?"

***

Eli's progress keeps upwards for the next two weeks and Even tries to stop holding his breath, waiting for it all to come crashing down around them again.

He tells himself, over and over, that it's not some sort of fluke-- the doctors know what they're talking about when they say that her treatment is working and she's going to be okay.

Maybe not forever-- but for a while.

The pain will lesson and her energy levels will rise and her smile will stay in place.

Even hopes it will stay for a long time.

"I don't want to just survive this for as long as possible, you know," Eli tells him on a Friday night, as she's getting ready to go out to dinner with some friends, doing a bunch of complicated shit with make-up that Even will never understand.

He's hovering, he knows, but he can't help it-- this is the first time she's really going out in a long time. Eli hasn't chased him out of her bedroom yet, but it seems like she might soon.

"Cancer's going to kill me," she says-- and Even tries not to flinch, not in the face of his sister's bravery. "I know that, Even. But until it does, I want to _live my life,_ you know?"

"Yeah," he says-- too dumb to come up with the right kind of profound words-- "Okay."

"You should too-- " Eli says, turning away from to mirror to face him. "Take Sonja out or something. Do _something_ that isn't hanging around here all the time and looking after me."

"I do things," Even insists. "I've got my work-- and Sonja and I went to watch a movie last weekend and-- "

"Even, come on. That's lame."

"You're lame."

"Your face is lame."

"Shut up," Even tells her. He sighs, "Okay, fine. We'll do something but call me when you get back, okay?"

Eli turns back to her reflection. "You'll probably get back before me but yeah-- if I get home and you're not here, I'll let you know."

"Good," Even says.

"So," Eli puts down the last thing she used-- _mascara--_ Even knows at least that much. "How do I look?"

Eli looks--

There's color on her cheeks that have nothing to do with the blush she's wearing and her blue eyes would be sparkling, he knows, even without all the cool looking stuff she's got on around them. He knows she's talking about her hair and outfit and stuff and that's great but it's not what he means when he says, "You look beautiful, Eli."

Eli rolls her eyes-- "You fucking sap. Get the hell out of my room."

***

"This is great!" Sonja says, when Even suggests they go out and "do something" as per his sister's instructions. "Emma's having a party tonight and we should go."

Right. But-- "I was thinking we could hang out, just the two of us."

Sonja rolls her eyes-- and what's with the women in Even's life always rolling their eyes at him--

"We're together all the time and we _just_ went to see a movie. I wanna interact with other people, Even."

"Okay," he says.

Because that's fine. There's no reason, really, for them not to go.

"We can do that."

\---

**ISAK**

Coming off a surgery high is always exhausting for Isak, regardless of whether it's just a complicated c-section or fetoscopic heart surgery, which in this case, it's the latter. Not that he has any real complaints-- not when it's a near perfect outcome.

That makes it 3 for 3 this year and-- okay, yeah, Isak's not sure that he's _actually_ off his high yet.

Emma laughs at him when he yawns again-- "You sure you don't just wanna go home and crash?"

"Nah," Isak says-- he seldom makes it to these things and he's actually got the day off tomorrow to sleep away. "What? You don't want me here?" Something flickers over Emma's face-- there and gone so fast and too much for Isak's tired mind is to really process.

"Of course I want you here, idiot. But maybe get some more coffee into your system before everyone arrives, yeah?"

That's a brilliant idea.

Isak tells her as much, and turns towards the coffee machine.

***

Something that Isak's not really all that keen on sharing with Emma is how truly boring he finds-- not only her friends but also the person she becomes around her friends.

And then there's the fact that a couple of her friends are complete assholes-- an hour into this thing, Isak's wondering why he didn't just go home when Emma suggested it.

He won't be able to do that now-- Emma's hanging off him, clinging in a way that isn't exactly uncharacteristic but seems a little excessive.

Eventually Isak needs to shrug her off and go outside to get some air--

There's this one guy - Nicolas - who keeps making snide remarks about Isak's job that implies treating pregnant women and their unborn babies is something he should feel ashamed or emasculated about. _Fucking tall, dark, literally model-perfect asshole--_ not like Isak's mocking his career in playing dress up.

"You okay?" Asks an amused, deep voice.

It's a little disconcerting that Isak immediately knows who it is without having to turn around.

He does though-- feels a strange thrill as he thinks that _fucking Nicolas_ ' good looks has nothing on this guy.

Then Isak catches himself-- and his moods sours even further.

Still-- he'd made the decision to make a conscious effort where-- _this whole thing_ is concerned. He can manage to be less of an asshole, right? At the very least-- he can give it a solid effort.

"Hey, Even. Yeah, I'm fine, why?"

The tall, blonde shrugs, "Well-- you're just out here in the cold, mumbling to yourself."

Isak considers this.

"Today I performed heart surgery on a twenty-six week fetus still inside his mother's womb."

Even's eyebrows practically raise all the way into his hairline. _So expressive._ "Holy shit, that's incredible."

Isak shrugs.

"Oh, come on, man. You can't downplay that shit, what the fuck?"

"It is pretty awesome, I mean. Like twelve surgeons in the country actually do it, so..."

_"Jesus,"_ Even says, "...you're a fucking rock star." He seems so genuinely awed and it makes Isak laugh. "Man, compared to you, my job is..."

"Hmm? What do you do?"

"I uh-- draw pictures?"

"You're an artist?" Isak asks.

"I guess," Even shrugs.

"Let's see?" Isak takes a step closer, "... you got anything on your phone?"

"I-- uh... yeah."

Even pulls his phone out and Isak watches as he searches Google, clicks on the first option--

"Even, that's The Post."

"Huh? Yeah, I work for them."

"You work for The Post."

Even just raises his eyebrows and gives this laugh, _what the fuck?_ The biggest newspaper in the country and-- wait. Drawings. Before Even's showed him the picture, Isak already knows.

"Shit, you're BECH N."

Isak stares dumb struck at the picture Even's pulled up-- of Trump and Putin doing-- well. Wow. Isak actually missed this one.

"Jesus, man, you have serious balls."

Even laughs-- "Nah, nobody gives a shit about some cartoon in a Norwegian evening paper."

Yeah. Okay, Even. "This is probably one of the furthest reaching mediums of political satire we have so-- don't downplay this shit."

Even blushes, "That-- happened mostly by accident."

"Dude," Isak says, still feeling a little star struck.

"Whatever," Even says, pocketing his phone again. "It was either this or use my MFA to make pomtous piece of shit movies." Isak laughs-- until Even asks, "So what was with the whole insecure bragging thing five minutes ago?"

Isak winches. "Caught that, huh?"

"Bit hard to miss," Even says, not unkindly.

Still. Isak scoffs, "You saying I'm transparent?"

"Never," Even smiles, "You're a true fucking mystery, Isak Valtersen."

"Why do I feel insulted by that?"

"I don't know-- why do you?"

"I don't fucking know," Isak's trying really hard not to grin. He isn't sure how well he's managing. "I just do."

"So sensitive," Even says, his eyes lit up with amusement.

Isak gives in and laughs--

"Shouldn't this be weird?" He asks, surprising both himself and Even, in the process. Even clears his throat but-- the moment still doesn't turn awkward. Isak doesn't get it.

"I'm not saying I want it to be weird," he adds.

"Me either," Even says. "I think it's... good. That we can have a conversation."

"It's not a bad conversation," Isak says, "I mean... I'm not bored yet."

"You sound surprised."

"I'm usually bored by now."

"Okay, Mr. Genius Doctor."

Isak rolls his eyes, "I didn't mean it like _that."_

"Oh?" Even teases.

"Fuck you," Isak says. "I take it back, this conversation sucks."

"Well, I don't take it back," Even says.

"No?"

Even shakes his head, "Nah."

"Isak!" He hears Emma, her voice a harsh sound that snaps Isak's attention away from Even. He turns away from the other man, giving Emma his attention. "I thought you'd left," she said.

"I'm just about to," he says. "I'm two minutes away from falling asleep standing up."

"Okay," she says. "Let me just get my keys and I can drive you home."

"Are you okay to drive?" Even pipes up, and yeah, now that Isak's looking she really _really_ doesn't. Shit.

"Maybe not?" Emma says. "Sorry."

"I can drive you," Even says and Isak looks back at him. "It's only about fifteen minutes away, right?"

"Uh-- yeah. You don't have to..."

"You won't get any sleep in there," Even points out and no, Isak won't. Not with all that remixed Justin Bieber shit blaring from those massive ass speakers. "It's fine, I don't mind."

Don't be weird, Isak. "Yeah, okay. Thanks," he says.

"Can you tell Sonja I'll be back in about forty minutes?" Even asks Emma.

"Yeah, sure," she smiles. "Thanks!"

Isak watches her head back inside.

"Come on," Even says, doesn't wait for Isak to respond before he starts walking to where presumably he's parked his car.

_Not awkward,_ Isak reminds himself. _Okay._

He follows after Even.


	7. Chapter 7

**ISAK**

The 90s hip-hop he can understand but when the music playing in Even's car switches over from _Nuthin' but a "G" Thang_ into the sound of soft guitar and a smokey, feminine voice, Isak has to ask, voice laden with confusion, "Even? What the hell is this?"

"What?" the older man asks, all mock offended. Or maybe he really is offended. Isak wouldn't put it past him.

"Tell me this is Sonja's playlist or something."

Even doesn't roll his eyes but he might as well have. "Yes, Isak. My wife is a huge fan of Dr. Dre-- no, get the fuck out. You're telling me you don't know this song? You've never heard of Tracy Chapman?"

For a second Isak considers bullshitting that he _does_ in fact know this chick singing about a fast car but then decides against it. This shit is is way too girly to even pretend to know. "Next you'll be telling me you have Celine Dion on here."

"Only _My heart will go on,_ I promise."

Isak clutches his chest dramatically, "You're killing me, man."

"It's important to have eclectic tastes, Isak. How do you know what you like if you don't try everything?"

"Christ, is that, like, your life motto? Because it would actually make a lot of sense if it was."

Even laughs, "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

Isak smiles and shrugs -- feeling a bit uncomfortable-- his own words hitting a little too close to questions he's curious about when it comes to Even. Things he knows he shouldn't be wondering about and definitely not asking. "You know," he says, sounding lame, even to his own ears, "...you artist types."

Even just makes an agreeing sound in his throat, the corners of his mouth turned up in slight amusement. Isak wants to be offended by it-- but he isn't. This guy though-- there's not a single thing about him, as far as Isak can tell, that's malicious or offensive. He's so genuinely nice. Kind of like Jonas but - and Isak will never admit this - a million times more interesting.

Even makes him nervous but he still wants to be around him. Like it would be okay if he was. Like it wouldn't be a bad thing. But Isak knows he's wrong about that. No matter how nice Even is, how kind-- he still has the potential to bring Isak's whole world crashing down around him.

"You are thinking _very_ loudly, doctor Valtersen."

A small thrill of pleasure courses through Isak as Even calls him that. _What the fuck._ People call him that everyday? Admittedly none of them have such warm, deep voices but the point still stands. Isak shakes it off as best he can. He shifts around in Even's seat and tries to keep his voice even. "Am I?" He asks.

"I can tell," Even nods. "Its like there's a thousand gears turning in your head. So-- stop."

"Stop what?"

"Overthinking this. I'm just driving you home, I promise. I'm not trying to ruin your life."

_How are you in my fucking head?_ Isak wants to ask. He stays silent.

"I have a question," Even says, "...and it's maybe a little weird but uh-- I thought you were a normal obstetrician?"

Isak shrugs, wondering why Even cares-- it's not a question he gets a lot. Most people assume he delivers babies all day. Which is fine-- not like there's anything wrong with that. "I'm a surgeon."

Even looks at him and grins. "You're kind of amazing, huh?"

Again with the pleasant tingle up his spine. Isak tells himself it's just cause this is unusual. Not even Emma ever asks this much about his work-- as far as she's concerned, Isak's a pregnant lady doctor and that's it. Nevermind the fact that he's put in an insane amount of work to get to where he is.

"Yeah," he says, and it's not that he's feeling arrogant or anything-- he hopes Even doesn't take it that way. He's saying it more to himself than Even, to be completely honest. "I'm kind of amazing."

Even's smile just stretches a fraction wider--

And Isak's mind goes back to Even's earlier question, when they were standing outside of Emma's: _What was with the insecure bragging thing?_

Jesus.

Isak really is an open book where this guy is concerned.

That thought should freak him out and in a way it does. Before he can examine it any further, they're pulling up to his apartment complex.

The polite thing would be to ask Even inside, right? Offer him a cup of coffee at the very least. The least of _what_ exactly Isak doesn't know. He doesn't want to think about it.

He doesn't want Even to go.

"If I ask you to come up-- are you gonna think I'm being weird?" He asks.

Even's quiet for a moment before he asks, "I wouldn't call it weird _exactly._ I'd just generally be confused about why you would do that."

_I don't really know._

But that's not true.

"You're a good guy, Even."

At that Even laughs, in obvious disbelief. Isak's confused-- does he think he isn't? "You don't agree?"

Even runs a hand through his hair and looks away. He doesn't say anything and Isak knows he overstepped some kind of boundary Even's put up in his mind. Isak doesn't want him to get the wrong idea.

"I'm just saying-- maybe it's selfish or fucked up of me to ask this but-- I think we could be friends. I uh-- want us-- to be friends."

Even bites down on his bottom lip and it's only a little bit distracting. He says, "It's not that simple between us, Isak."

Isak rolls his eyes, "That was ten years ago. You're married, I'm engaged. What the fuck? It shouldn't matter anymore."

"It never mattered much to you in the first place."

_Shit._

"So that's it? You're holding some kind of grudge about that? I mean-- I understand if you are. It's understandable. Completely. So..."

Even shakes his head, "It's not a grudge, just-- self preservation?"

"I won't hurt you," Isak says--

Even looks up, startled.

Isak is too. He doesn't know where the fuck that came from. Holy shit.

"I'm sorry-- that was-- I mean. Implying that I _could_ hurt you in the first place-- is fucking presumptuous and-- "

Even holds up his hand. "Isak. Shut up."

"Well," Isak gripes, "That's just rude."

"I'm trying to think," Even says.

"Weren't you just telling me to stop overthinking this? I'm not trying to ruin your life, man," Isak echoes Even's earlier words.

Even smiles and it's sad... and sardonic. And he says, "Nah, I don't need your help to do that anyway."

Isak doesn't know what to say to that. Even says, "Goodnight Isak."

And Isak can't help but feel like he's letting sometimes important slip away. Like he's reaching but it keeps falling through his fingers and he can't fucking hold on. He just wants Even in his life, God. Is that too big of an ask?

Apparently it is.

He smiles at Even and nods his head, "Goodnight Even," he says and reaches for the door. Even's hand finds his arm, stops him and Isak's heart gives a lurch in his chest.

"Wait."

Isak waits.

For a minute, Even doesn't say anything.

He just looks at Isak like he's trying to see inside his head. It's unnerving as hell. Isak sits still and lets him look.

Eventually Even tells him, "I could do with a friend right now."

And Isak swallows around the tightness in his throat--

Because. _Fuck._ He could've done with a friend like Even a long fucking time ago.

Isak could've _had_

He stops that thought.

The way he's stopped it everytime it's crossed his mind in the last ten years.

This isn't about that. It's not.

He just isn't letting go of Even this time.

That's all.

"You do look fucking exhausted though," Even says, giving Isak a small smile. "So maybe another time."

"Yes," Isak says, and tries to keep his breathing as steady as possible. "Some other time."

\---

**EVEN**

He's been neglecting his wife, Even decides--

This, after another week of Eli being in better health and good spirits.

It's like everything is different now-- where there was just this heavy cloud of stress and anxiety, suddenly it feels like Even can see the sun. Like he can breathe for the first time in a while.

So when Eli says, "I'm going out," and doesn't offer any more detail than that, Even doesn't ask questions-- he's not her father so--

He suspects that she's been seeing Daniel again-- the guy she was with when she got her diagnosis. And consequently broke up with due to the fact that she had terminal cancer. She's let a few things slip but hasn't come out directly and said it.

Even wonders if the reason she's not telling him, is that she thinks he'd judge her for it-- he really wouldn't. Eli deserves whatever happiness she can find and he doesn't doubt that she's been honest with Daniel about the situation. She's much too good to lie about something like that.

So when she's off to see the man in her life, Even knows he should pay some attention to the woman in his.

"Hey," he says, stepping inside the kitchen with bags of groceries, putting them down at the counter where Sonja's busy on her laptop--

He has no idea with what. In truth, he has very little knowledge of what she's actually been up to in these last few months. He's been a shit husband-- he's never been _great_ but even by his standards, he's been fucking terrible.

"I'm making dinner," he declares.

Sonja gives him a confused look. "Okay?"

Right. Even should probably elaborate on that. It's not like he doesn't make dinner basically every night.

"For just you and me," he adds.

"Yeah," Sonja says. "Eli's out. I know."

She's still not getting it. Okay.

"Dinner," Even says. "With candles and wine. Where we talk to each other instead of you being on your phone or being in the living room with your laptop while you eat."

Sonja's eyes go wide. "What the hell, Even?" She asks. "Why are you coming at me with this shit when you haven't so much as looked at me in weeks?"

Even's taken aback-- so much.

Because-- _what?_

How the fuck is this turning into a fight when all he wanted was to do something nice?

He tries to deescalate.

"I know that," he says. "And I'm sorry. This is me trying to make that right."

"Right," Sonja says, voice angry and frustrated. "When you decide that it's time to give me your attention, I'm just supposed to be over the moon about that."

Okay. _Seriously?_

"What? Are you fucking serious right now, Sonja? You know exactly where my attention has been-- Jesus. How can you be so selfish?"

Even shouldn't have said that.

He should _not_ have said that.

Sonja storms off twenty minutes later, taking the car keys.

Even stands there, at the counter, for a good five minutes.

Then he looks at the ingredients he bought for the chicken parmesan...

"Fuck it."

***

Even's grating cheese when his phone vibrates from where it's lying on the counter.

It's probably Finn or work or Eli because it definitely isn't Sonja--

She usually stays away for a few hours following one of their screaming matches and only then-- will she call or text him to pick her up from whichever girlfriend she's gone to in a bid to drink lots of wine and complain about him.

Even picks up his phone and opens the message.

19:20  
 _I assume it's your fault I just got kicked out of Emma's house?_

Even frowns at the text-- he isn't sure why he's surprised. It's not like Sonja was going to drive all the way back to Oslo or something.

19:21  
 **Did she seem okay?**

19:21  
 _pissed the fuck off man. What did you DO_

19:21  
 _don't answer that. Pretty sure I don't wanna know._

Even types back that Sonja's being a bitch.

Obviously he doesn't send that.

Despite it being true.

19:24  
 **I attempted to cook dinner for her. What are you up to right now?**

19:24  
 _was just gonna go bother Linda_

19:24  
 _she's my boss. And friend._

19:25  
 _why?_

Even considers.

And considers some more.

And eventually decides, once again, to say _fuck it._

19:28  
 **How do you feel about chicken parmesan?**

19:29  
 _DUDE!!!_

Even smiles and sends Isak the address.

***

A few of the things Even learns about Isak Valtersen in the next hour:

_\- Chicken parmesan is apparently a particular weakness of his;_

_\- He doesn't know anything about wine except that he doesn't mind drinking it;_

_\- He can get tipsy on one very full glass of Sauvignon Blanc;_ and perhaps the most stunning revelation

_\- He makes the same obscene sounds when he enjoys his food as when he's being fucked._

And it's not just shocking because of the effect it has on Even-- hearing Isak moan around a fork full of the chicken he's prepared--

But also the fact that it's the sounds that's been haunting Even's dreams for far too long. He didn't know his recall was this good. Honestly, he feels like he should be impressed by his memory.

Even tries very hard to will away his erection, really concentrates on it--

But he keeps getting distracted--

By the deep flush on Isak's cheeks, a consequence of the wine he's had-- trailing down his neck and into the collar of the light blue sweater he's wearing-- that looks like it's fucking cashmere or something and, Even thinks, would be so soft to touch--

That's not the only effect the wine has had on him-- Isak keeps smiling and giggling at almost everything that Even says and he knows he's not that funny and it's so fucking adorable-- doesn't do anything to lesson the discomfort in his jeans.

Jesus. Isak's so fucking beautiful.

Perhaps the worst part-- besides the fact that Even's a horrible human being for half the things he wants to do to Isak right now-- is that he doesn't seem to _know..._

He has no idea of what he's doing to Even.

Isak smiles, ducking his head, before he takes another sip of his wine - _Even really needs to cut him off soon_ \- and says-- "I'm really glad we're friends now, Even."

He sounds so fucking _shy._

Even's so fucked.

"Me too," he lies.


	8. Chapter 8

**ISAK**

"I'm good," Isak tells him, as they're making their way toward the door.

He really is, so Even shouldn't worry.

"Don't worry-- I only had about two glasses of wine before you became a dick about it."

"I'm a dick?" Even asks, pointing at himself. "Me? You come into my house, eat my food and force me to sit through half a Nicolas Cage movie-- and then you call _me_ a dick?"

Well, okay, when he puts it like that...

But anyway, Even doesn't sound very offended, just amused. He sounds like that a lot-- there always seems to be a smile in his voice when he's talking to Isak. It's probably there when he talks to anybody-- but Isak chooses not to think about that part. And Even's eyes too-- always lit up with this _playfulness_ Isak's never really seen before. It's wonderful.

Even tries though, to keep the smile from actually forming and Isak can admire that. But it's a doomed attempt-- Even's hopeless. Isak rolls his eyes.

"You're the worst," he says but he hands over his keys.

Even's fingers touch his-- and yes, okay, that does things to Isak's body-- but he tells himself it's probably just the alcohol. He's not going to be overly concerned about a small thing like-- a simple touch sending little shock wave of pleasure through his sensory circuit-- or how it feels to have Even's palm, warm on his lower back. It's just there to encourage him further towards the front door--

To send him on his way.

But Even keeps it there, right up until they reach the coat rack and Isak has to put his on--

Because he's leaving.

Even's coming with, though. Driving Isak's car to Emma's and then he's getting into a car with Sonja and driving back here.

_And that will be that--_

The culmination of their evening.

It was a nice evening. Isak's had a good time, here, with Even.

He purses his lips, doesn't say _any_ of that and turns to take his coat off the rack. When he turns around again-- Even's still standing really close to him. They're not flush against each other or anything-- but close enough that Isak imagines he can feel the line of heat coming from Even's body.

Isak dresses in his coat-- the action bringing him a little further into Even's space-- but Even doesn't take a step back and Isak, for a second, imagines Even taking another step closer--

Then another, and putting his one hand, firmly, on Isak's chest, pushing him back against the wall, the other presses beside Isak's head, as he moves even closer.

Isak would find it difficult to get air into his lungs-- or even look into Even's eyes but-- he'd do it. Eventually.

He'd look up and Even would look like-- like _Even_ but like he's having trouble breathing as well.

He'd give a last, shaky exhale before moving, leaning in, down towards Isak...

"You alright?" Even asks--

From all the way over there.

_When did he move all the way over there?_

"What?" Isak asks.

"Come on."

He watches as Even's hand raises slighty-- then falls down again, limply by his side. Isak nods his head and looks away from the aborted action.

The last things he's about to do is consider what-- if anything-- it means.

He's not nearly drunk enough for that.

Instead Isak, finally, moves toward the door that Even's holding open for him and the action makes something warm swell in his chest and without meaning to-- he smiles at Even.

He doesn't mind too much though-- the smiling-- because Even really is one of the nicest guys he's ever met. Opening doors for people and shit. Even's _so_ nice.

Isak's really lucky to have him as a friend.

***

Even's just pulled into Emma's driveway and switched off Isak's engine when he goes, "Um...Isak? Can-- can I ask you to do something for me?"

And Isak doesn't think he's ever heard Even sound so hesitant about something... almost _nervous._

There's a voice in the back of his head that whispers-- _that's not true,_ that he _has,_ in fact, seen an extremely nervous Even before.

Isak just nods his head-- because probably, at this point Even could ask him anything and he'd say yes.

"Just-- when we get in, don't mention that we came here together. I'm gonna tell Sonja that I took a cab here and if you could-- "

_"Lie?"_ Isak's asks.

There's something weird happening inside his chest-- an uncomfortable ache. He blinks at Even-- who's giving him a horrible, guilty look. So Isak tries to school his features into something that looks less injured and pathetic.

But still. "Why would we need to do that?" They didn't even do anything wrong.

"Sonja is..." Even runs a hand though his hair, a nervous habit, if Isak's ever seen one. "She just-- if she knows that I was having fun, chilling with-- with a friend-- instead of being upset about her leaving-- she's gonna fucking explode all over me and she's not going to wait until we're back at home to do it so..."

"Oh," Isak says.

Even shifts around in the driver's seat, "And she's probably had a bit to drink so-- "

Isak swears he's never seen someone look _this_ uncomfortable before.

He doesn't like seeing it, not at all.

And as long as Even's not ashamed of hanging out with him, Isak's cool.

It's not like he's the epitome of honesty, himself-- Isak's pretty fucking good at lying. Not about anything serious-- but he lies about work to get out of doing stuff with Emma sometimes. Just because he doesn't want to deal with her getting upset at him. So really-- he has no room to judge Even for lying to his wife.

He nods his head, "Cool, we'll pretend we met up as you got out of your taxi."

"Thanks," Even says, still sounding terribly awkward.

Isak asks him, "But it's not gonna be like _a thing_ we have to do all the time, right? Lying about being together?"

A strange look passes over Even's face, for just a second, before it's replaced by a smile that's nice and comforting to Isak. "Not at all," he says.

"Okay," Isak says and he has to really concentrate on not giving a deep sigh of relief.

He doesn't really want to go inside just yet-- but he can't think of any reason to stay in his car with Even--

Who gives him one last smile and raises his eyebrows for no discernable reason, as far as Isak can tell, and reaches for the door.

_Show time,_ Isak thinks, as they go inside to face their significant others.

\---

**EVEN**

Isak asks him if they'd have to lie about being together.

Not _hanging out._

Not _chilling._

Not _spending time_ together.

No--

The oblivious little shit goes and says, _being together_ and Even almost has a fucking heart attack.

As if the hurt expression on Isak's face-- when Even asked him to lie-- wasn't already enough to do his fucking head in.

Isak's going to be the death of him--

Especially because Even realizes - in that exact moment - that the answer would be _no._

_No, he wouldn't lie if they were together._

Not like that would ever fucking happen--

But yeah...

Good to know how fucked up his priorities are.

Jesus Christ.

Even's married... he's supposed to love his wife, not be--

Not be _completely_ and _utterly_ gone for someone who broke his heart without a second's consideration a decade ago.

_Except he is._

He's so fucking gone for Isak.

And the right thing-- the _decent_ thing-- would be to stop this, whatever he's doing--

With an Isak...who doesn't want him...but sort of wants him - in some ways - but not in others...not in the _same_ ways-- and who Even doesn't want to imagine not having in his life again--

Isak can have him however he wants him.

It's a fucking frightening thought to experience.

Even's about a second off from doing something really fucking stupid--

Isak really needs to stop looking at him like that.

Fuck.

"Not at all," He answers-- truthfully-- and then Even gets out of the fucking car.

Before Isak says _something else_ to cause Even having some more horrifying revelations about the depth of his stupid feelings.

***

Sonja, predictably, tells him sleep on the couch that night.

Even tries to fight it-- simply for the fact of how relieved he gets by her asking him to do that.

Even doesn't want this-- he doesn't want to _not_ love Sonja.

He isn't sure that he _doesn't._

No-- fuck this.

Even's not stupid-- he _knows,_ okay? He knows he doesn't feel everything-- all the ways he's supposed to-- about her. Shit, he's pretty sure she's not hopelessly in love with him or something either, but they've never needed _that_ to be what they are to each other.

Sonja's been his one constant-- in a fucking sea of chaos. They person who loved him-- enough to look past his fuck ups, his mistakes.

Even's loved her, _only her,_ for half of his life--

He never even imagined he could feel that way about anyone else...

Because no one else has that history with him-- has fought as many battles with him-- has cried with him-- and laughed with him-- and--

He can't lose that.

He refuses to.

He loves her-- he fucking--

He _does._

"Okay," he says, feeling extremely exhausted.

Eli just got in a few minutes ago and he should check on her first but sleep is probably a good idea right now.

And then tomorrow-- he can figure this shit out. He can talk to Sonja and try to understand what he needs to do-- the ways he needs to be better. _He can try._

He grabs a pillow off the bed and says, "Goodnight, Sonja," and turns away from her-- he isn't sure what she sees in his expression-- or hears in his voice...

But it makes her say, "Even-- no. Wait," before she reaches for him.

***

"I love you," he tells her afterwards--

Even's arms are around her, his face buried in her short hair.

He knows she can't feel his tears-- but she knows him well enough to know that they're there.

"I love you too," Sonja says-- her grip on his hand tightens even further.

She sushes him.

"I'm sorry," Even says--

He knows he isn't apologizing for the right things.

Sonja sighs.

"It's okay," she says. "Me too."


	9. Chapter 9

**ISAK**

Life is pretty chill for Isak.

The only one, true hardship he has to face each day is getting up in the mornings. God. He hates it so much. It's like gravity is just that much stronger around his bed or something. Or Emma's bed. Whichever one he wakes up in. In this case it's the latter.

"Good morning," Isak says, after lying there for a minute, reluctant to open his eyes and admit - both to himself and the world in general - that he isn't sleeping anymore.

"Morning, Isak," she says, and no. _Oh no._ No. She's got that look again. And her voice...

Shit.

What did Isak _do?_

He tries to remember but there isn't anything that immediately springs to mind--

Last night he drove here with Even-- came inside. It was a tense few minutes-- then the Bech Næsheims were on their way. And then after that Isak and Emma went into her room and--

_Shit._

Oh fuck.

"I'm sorry," comes out of Isak's mouth, even though he knows-- he knows it can't do shit-- won't make her feel any better.

Or him for that matter.

But still. "I'm sorry, Emma."

"I uh-- " Emma's jaw works in that way she has-- where she's trying to think of words to say but she can't really think of anything while simultaneously trying not to cry. Isak feels like shit. "You just had too much to drink, I guess."

Usually Isak would be all over that excuse, seriously. Alcohol _does_ in fact cause erectile dysfunction, even in an otherwise healthy twenty-seven year old man. But. _Two glasses of wine?_ Really?

He remembers Emma pushing him down on the bed, moving on top of him and sliding down, down, down and-- and him lying there, letting her-- and her taking him inside her mouth and him, again, just lying there-- and nothing fucking happening and feeling sick to his stomach-- sick enough that he--

He went to into the bathroom and threw up and...

_Wow._

Wow, Isak.

New low-- even for you.

Fuck, he needs to get out of here.

Isak knows, from unfortunate experience, that there's absolutely nothing he can say-- or do for that matter-- to make Emma feel better about this. All he can do it just-- just _leave_ and let her do-- whatever it is she does-- to reset the experience in her mind. And he'll do the same. And they'll move on from it. As much as two people can move on from something they never discuss.

"Have to go into work," Isak tells her.

Emma sniffles a bit but no actual tears form so-- _so nothing._ She's upset. She's just doing her best to hide it right now. Not that she can-- she's a terrible actress and even if she wasn't-- there's literally no one in the world that Isak knows better than this girl. Himself included.

"Do you want breakfast?" She asks, "I can make you something."

Isak doesn't deserve breakfast-- or any nice thing. Ever.

"No thanks, I'm just gonna shower."

He gets up and heads into the bathroom-- alone. They usually shower together. It's more habit than practicality. It's seldom sexual. Most of their relationship is seldom sexual. That realisation strikes hardest in situations like this--

When something like last night happens and Isak can't manage to simply write it off as his head being too busy for him to get into it. Not when he literally can't physically manage to get into it. Or it has other, more disastrous, physical reactions. The vomiting was a first though. _Jesus Christ._ And then Isak would-- _think_ and he'd _contemplate._ If the reasons he's doing this are even valid. He wants to make Emma happy-- doesn't want to hurt her. He'd never intentionally do anything that would cause her pain. He knows that. And then something like this happens and he wonders-- is it really the right thing. Being with her-- is the right thing for the both of them?

When they were younger, he'd...try...to end it. And Emma would get upset, obviously. And cry and plead with him not to do this. Not to leave her. And he hated it-- fucking despised seeing her like that. So he stopped. He just...

He hasn't even considered it in years.

Emma isn't in her room when he gets back from his shower. Isak dresses quickly in jeans and a shirt and hoodie he didn't realize he's left at her place and smells of the flowery laundry detergent Emma uses. He goes into the kitchen to find her and say goodbye.

When he gets there, Emma moves away from the stove, ushers him into a seat at the breakfast bar, put a cup of coffee in front of him. She kisses his temple and runs a hand through his hair. She goes back to making him breakfast.

"You don't have to do this," he says, and he isn't sure which part of all of this he's referring to. Emma turns around, and-- _that_ look on her face. Isak knows what that look means. He knows all her looks. So he gets up-- and goes over to her and wraps himself around her so much smaller frame. After a minute, Isak's pretty sure something is burning on the stove but it takes another one for Emma to step back. Even then she doesn't go very far.

"You know how much I love you, right?" She asks, her fingers running over the side of his face.

And yes, Isak does know. He doesn't deserve it but...

"Yeah."

"So you just...tell me," Emma says and shit, she's gonna cry. _Shit._ Isak does not do well with a crying Emma. It's like his kryptonite or some shit. "I just want you to be happy, Isak. Even if it's not-- "

"Don't say stuff like that," he says, taking a step away from her. He grabs his keys off the counter and moves towards the door. Emma catches his arm and makes him stay put.

"Okay," she says. "Alright, just...I'll see you tonight?"

Isak nods his head.

"Go on then," Emma says, giving him a light shove in the direction of the back door.

There's another apology on the tip of Isak's tongue. This one as useless as all the others. "Bye," he tells her and goes to work.

***

As far as distractions go, it seriously doesn't get any better than sick, unborn babies. Isak gets in and immediately goes to the nurse's station to change his schedule.

He's been at work for just gone thirteen hours when Linda finds him between two consults, scarfing down a protein bar and some water in the residents lounge. She comes and stands in front of him and folds her arms and just _looks_ at him. Isak swallows the suddenly dry food in his mouth.

"Hey, boss."

Linda raises her eyebrows in a move that has nothing to do with the way someone else does it-- and _still_ that's where Isak's mind goes. Damnit.

"Don't _hey boss_ me, Isak Valtersen-- "

"You love it when I call you that!"

"Well...yes," Linda concedes. "But you're not doing it for the right reasons."

"What? There are right reasons for me indulging your alpha complex?"

Linda rolls her eyes, "Stop dodging the subject..."

"I'm not," Isak points out, "We're talking about the reasons why I call you boss. Besides the obvious one, which is, that's exactly what you are. My boss," he gives his most serene smile-- just to piss her off a little bit.

_"Go home,_ Isak."

"Can't," he says, and takes another bite of his snack. "I have three more consults so..." He shrugs and smirks internally at the way Linda pulls a face at him talking with food in his mouth.

"I'm taking them and-- as you so helpfully pointed out-- I'm your boss so do what I say.'

"No, Linda, come on. I don't wanna," he complains.

"You know, Emma called me and warned that you'd probably pull this shit."

_Shit._

"Why does she even have your number?"

_"Isak,"_ Linda says, in that way of hers, that makes him want to stop being such a fucking disappointment. "I have to go see your next patient but tomorrow you and me are going to find a bar and I'm going to sit you down and we're going to talk about our feelings okay?"

Isak narrows his eyes, _Our_ feelings?" He checks. "You don't just mean _mine?"_

Linda's face goes vulnerable, for just a second. "You're not the only one with problems, you know."

"I don't have problems," Isak points out. But yeah, "Is everything okay?"

"They're fine for now-- just. Tomorrow. After a good, twelve hour shift has ended, we're going."

And now Isak can't say no...obviously.

"Yeah, okay."

So he does what Linda told him to do-- he goes home.

She is the boss, after all.

***

"You," he says, when he opens the door to his apartment, "I'm not talking to you."

Emma rolls her eyes, unperturbed. "Yes, well. You don't _have_ to." She says, walking in like she owns the place.

Emma falls down on his bed, on her stomach, pulling his laptop closer. Luckily Isak wasn't watching porn on there. Not that he does that very often in the first place.

"I can't believe you ratted me out to Linda," he complains, lying down next to her, on his back.

"I can't believe you were going to work yourself to death because you think I'm mad at you."

Isak's ceiling is suddenly extremely interesting.

"Isak," Emma shoves at him. When he doesn't respond, she pokes him in the side. And then again. Isak tries not to react. But-- fuck's sake. He's fucking _ticklish._ He tries to swat Emma's hands away but she's fucking relentless. She climbs on top of him and for a second, Isak's mind flashes to last night. But no, all Emma seems to be interested in is making him piss his pants.

"Fuck, stop," he laughs. "I hate you, stop."

"Shut up," Emma says-- but she does stop. Thank the Lord. "You love me," she says-- and rests her head on his chest, her deft fingers safely curled into his hoodie. Like always, she fits perfectly along his body. Isak's chest aches and he fold his arms around her back.

"I really do," he says, and wonders, for the first time in a really long time, what exactly that means.

***

They're ten minutes into their first drink, when Linda bursts into tears.

Objectively-- _not_ as bad as if it were Emma-- but still. Isak doesn't know how to deal with people he loves leaking their feelings from their eyes. Does he touch her? He probably shouldn't pat her on the back. That would be stupid.

"Shit, Linda. I'm so fucking sorry."

"I just-- I know there are other options and-- it's stupid. To be so upset about this."

"No, it's not. It's not stupid."

The next two hours is spent discussing Linda's wife, Camilla,'s newly discovered infertility and how much it sucks because of Linda's age making it more dangerous for _her_ to carry a baby. It's really sad and Isak might tear up himself, once or twice. In the end Linda concludes that it is, in fact, something to be very upset about-- but eventually her and Camilla will begin to feel better about it and maybe then-- they'll start looking into other avenues.

By the time they're putting on their jackets and leaving the bar, Linda startles. "No, Isak, we didn't even talk about any of your stuff."

Isak doesn't roll his eyes but it's a close thing. "I don't have _stuff,_ Linda. Everything is fine."

He turns and heads for the exit and Linda follows him out into the night air. She takes out a cigarette and lights up. Her and Isak wait on the sidewalk for her for Uber to arrive-- apparently it's only a few minutes away.

"How's the wedding planning coming along?" She asks and holds out the cigarette to him. Linda only smokes when she drinks. And Isak only smokes when others around him are there to enable. He takes the cigarette, takes a drag.

"We haven't even set a date yet," he says.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, Emma's got some work stuff coming up-- a few weeks of traveling and then-- when she comes back-- we'll probably get started on it."

"Probably?" Linda asks, holding her hand out to take back the cigarette.

Isak bites down on his bottom lip and for a long time he doesn't say anything.

When he does it's half a sentence, an unfinished thought. "You think Emma would still..."

"Hmm?" Linda asks and stops blowing smoke circles to give him a serious look.

"If we ever-- if we didn't work out or something...do you think she'd still wanna be..."

"Friends?" Linda asks. "In your life?"

Isak swallows thickly, nods his head.

"Something like that usually depends on how it ends," Linda shrugs. "I'm still friends with a couple of my exes."

"Yeah? How-- how did it end-- with the ones you still talk to?"

"Well, the one chick moved to America and fell for someone over there, apparently she ended things with me before anything happened."

"Apparently? You don't believe her?"

"I wanted to. She's a good person and I didn't want to lose out on her friendship."

Okay.

"And the other one?"

"Told me they wanted to become a man and I freaked out."

"Oh," Isak finds himself completely off gaurd. Because like, _This is Linda._

"Yeah, I fucked up," Linda says. "But he forgave me for it...so we're okay now."

"I don't think Emma would forgive..."

"Forgive what?" Linda asks, like she doesn't already know.

But even so, Isak can't say it.

By the look on her face, Linda knows he can't say it.

Maybe she just wants this.

_Acknowledgment._

That there even _is_ something to say.

It scares the fuck out of Isak.

"She's my best friend," he says.

Linda dumps her neglected cigarette and steps close enough to put arm around his shoulders.

"I know," she says, and rests her head on his shoulder.

They stay that way until the car stops in front of them.

\---

**EVEN**

It's a week before he hears from Isak again-- and it's in the fucking middle of the night.

Sonja's sleeping soundly next to him, when Even's cellphone vibrates on his bedside table and Isak's name appears across the display. Even looks at it-- and then to his wife-- and then back to the phone.

"Fuck."

He gets up and takes the phone with him, out of the bedroom and walks into the kitchen.

"Isak?"

"Hey."

His voice is quiet-- and Even wonders if it's to match the whispering cadence that he answered with-- or if Isak's talking softly for the same reasons that Even is.

"What's up?"

"Emma's in France," Isak says.

And okay.

Even has no idea why he's being given this information.

_"Okay."_

"I've been walking around for hours."

"It's fucking freezing out-- why would you do that?"

Suddenly Isak laughs.

It takes a second for Even to realize why.

"Those are the first words I ever said to you," Isak tells him.

And Even can't breathe.

He manages to get out, "I remember."

They don't say anything for a really long time...then Isak says, "Goodnight, Even."

"Be safe," he tells Isak.

"Okay."

"Goodnight."

"Night, Even."

***

Even doesn't fall asleep again.


	10. Chapter 10

**ISAK**

It's Friday night and all Isak wants to do is get drunk enough to fucking forget.

Forget about his dad blowing up his phone, asking him to come home, move back-- or _at least, let's have a conversation about it, Isak, please_ but fuck that. He left first and now he's decided to go back and what? Isak's just supposed to get over everything? So they can go back to the way things were? Pretend to be one big happy family. No, fuck that. Seriously.

But okay, another thing-- if Isak has to listen to Magnus' bullshit story about hooking up with some third year girl in a bathroom without a fucking toilet seat - for one more fucking minute - he was going to fucking hit something. Or someone. Okay, maybe not _someone--_ Isak's not a fucking animal. Jonas complains about sitting around in the flat, doing nothing, when he's got a nice shirt on and everything-- and okay, Isak can admit it looks good on him. Not in a gay way but whatever. Magnus talks some more shit about Mathias talking about a party. Isak's so over this shit. He takes another sip of his drink-- fuck, he doesn't even know what it is-- and hears Magnus ask someone over the phone, "It's at Emma's? Emma?" _Fuck._ Isak sighs internally. Here we go again.

"You can get us in, Isak!"

These guys really need to start getting things done for themselves.

It's a fucking waste of time anyway-- Emma fucking hates him, having realised a while back that it's not going anywhere with him, 'cause really, you can only blow a girl off _so many times_ before she gets the message-- even ones as tenacious as Emma Larsen.

But then Mahdi starts fucking rapping and just-- _fuck._ What does it matter, anyway? Isak's just drunk enough not to give a shit if he gets more fucked up here or at the house of some girl that tried to blow him in Eva's bathroom.

***

Some asshole tries to block them from going in, like he's a fucking bouncer or some shit, when Isak spots him.

_Him._

_The guy._

Isak doesn't know his name or anything. It shouldn't even matter what his name is, which is why Isak hasn't tried to find out or look him up or anything. But that hasn't stopped him from _looking._ Neither has it stopped the insane idea from forming that the guy has been _looking too._ Isak's so fucked in the head.

The guy - who, seriously, looks ridiculously good in plaid - goes out of the line of Isak's sight, only to be replaced by Emma. Shit.

She really _is_ pretty-- even Isak could see that, which is why the notion formed in his head in the first place-- standing at his locker and watching her, and thinking, _maybe this one._ It worked petty well as a fantasy but reality - as always - is a completely different matter. She spots him too, staring, and Isak watches as a reluctant smile breaks over her features.

_That easy._

He's not gonna lie and say it doesn't give him a slight ego boost-- knowing that someone wants him that much.

His friends abandon him to Emma's clutches and Isak's standing there, in the middle of the crowd, with her hanging off him when he spots _plaid shirt_ guy - previously known as _cigarette behind the ear_ guy - again and while it's a little bit like looking into the sun, Isak can't take his eyes off him.

He's obviously completely ridiculous-- that hair alone-- and the walk is just...but fuck Isak-- because it works. The whole thing is completely devastating. So Isak cant help it as he watches him, a thrill of anticipation traveling up and down his spine as he waits for the guy to - as usual - feel Isak's eyes on him and look right back.

Instead that doesn't happen. That doesn't happen _at all_ and it's a little bit like watching a car crash. Or no-- more like being _hit by_ a car. Holy fuck, it hurts.

It shouldn't. There is literally no reason for Isak to feel this way because obviously he was just imagining everything but yeah...

Someone walks into him-- them-- Emma's apparently been standing next to him, talking about something, the whole fucking time.

While Isak's been standing here, watching Mr. Devastation over there, make out with his girlfriend. Isak needs to go-- fuck. He's overreacting and he feels like he wants to hit something or - even more stupidly - cry so-- yeah. He's gonna bounce.

"Emma, I think I'm-- "

She kisses him.

Shuts him up.

Just like that. The shock quiets something else-- the white noise that was screaming inside his head just a second ago.

Isak kisses back, tries to get more of that-- that _thing_ that makes him feel...

Wanted.

Normal.

And maybe not _okay_ exactly-- but a little closer than he was a minute ago. Emma breaks away from him and--

Isak checks, he can't help it. It's stupid but--

The guy isn't there anymore. Neither is the girl. Okay. They probably went off somewhere together-- so yeah...

Isak looks at Emma and asks, "Where's your room?"

\---

**EVEN**

They text back and forth a lot but Isak's almost always working - awesome and amazing baby life saving doctor that he is - so it's another week before they arrange to meet up and have a drink-- which is a perfectly acceptable thing to do with someone you've become friends with. Sonja obviously agrees because she doesn't blink twice when Even tells her that he's going out with Isak-- just asks, "Emma's Isak?" And Even tries not to sound annoyed when he asks, "Do I know any other Isaks?"

Instead of that happening, Emma comes back from France a day earlier for some reason-- one would think she'd take the time and opportunity to take in the sights or something but she doesn't seem like the most cultured person Even's ever come across so whatever-- she comes back. Isak can't meet up. He texts this to Even along with a sad face emoji that Even stares at for ten whole minutes, wondering _just how sad are you exactly?_ before he mentally kicks himself for being such a dick.

The next day Sonja tells him, "Emma and Isak are coming over for dinner tonight."

Even nods and shrugs, all nonchalance and chill. He turns to Eli, "You're joining us," he says and she rolls her eyes.

"I have plans."

Even bites his tongue-- doesn't say anything he wants to say, which is, Eli's been coming home looking more and more exhausted every night. He has to work really hard at it but he keeps his mouth shut. Sonja gives him a significant look, reading him like an open book. She looks scared as well and that just makes Even feel ten times worse about the whole thing.

***

"I actually think you were there," Emma says, leaning into Isak's space as they sit on Even's -- well, no. It's technically Eli's -- couch, after dinner. Even blinks, as her words register in his mind.

"Sorry, _what?"_

"The night Isak and I officially got together-- the party. You and Sonja were there..."

"I think I remember," Sonja says. She laughs, gives Even an affectionate look. "I think we were in one of our on and off stages," she looks back at Emma and Isak. "We had a few of those, actually," she says with more good humor than Even could have predicted.

When Even looks at Isak, he's surprised to see the slightly sick palor of his skin-- feels concern swell in the pit of his stomach. Isak asks, "So-- so you two weren't together then?"

"No," Even answers--

Because he thinks he knows what's going on. If this is the party he thinks Emma's referring to - the one where Even saw his crush making out with some girl and freaked the fuck out about it-- leaving Sonja there so he could go home and be depressed about it for the rest of the weekend...

"We got back together about two months after that," he says.

"Two months," Isak repeats, before he gives a minute nod of his head. Well then. Even's glad he's appeased by that answer. Except Even's got one of his own.

"So you two were officially together from that night...no breakups in between? No hiccups?"

Isak's expression flashes with guilt and Even _knows._

Okay, then. That's just great.

But then Isak's face does something else, goes fragile and vulnerable-- Emma's too. Her hand tightens in Isak's grip and Isak shifts a little bit closer to his fiancee. He clears his throat. "Yeah, uh...my mom died a few weeks after that so... things became a little bit fucked up for me."

Even feels his entire body go cold.

"Oh?" Sonja says from next to Even, "Sorry to hear that, Isak."

Even can't say anything--

and Isak isn't looking at him--

and it's a lot, is the thing. Suddenly. The realisation. The timeline matches up perfectly--

_Things became a little bit fucked up for me._

Oh God.

_It was a mistake,_ Isak said, over and over, _leave me alone._

And Even's heart was absolutely broken-- completely torn to pieces.

But Isak's--

_His_ had been broken all along.

***

Even's always known he was a terrible person, a complete and total piece of shit--

But this-- with this-- what happened between him and that boy from Nissen--

He's never blamed anyone but Isak.

He's resented Isak, felt used by him, stupidly betrayed--

When really...

God, it had been Even taking advantage all along.

"You alright?" Isak asks, stepping outside of the kitchen door into Eli's backyard.

Even wonders what he used as an excuse for coming out here-- doesn't remember what his own was-- has no idea how long he's been out here.

He tries but he can't answer Isak-- can't even look at him. Even's hands are shaking and he clenches them, tries to get a fucking grip.

Isak asks again, stepping closer, "Even, are you okay?" Isak's _really_ close and Even feels like he might collapse any second. When he gets the words out, it's choked and awful sounding, but at least he can say them,

"When we-- when-- how long after your mother..." And just like that, he can't say anything else.

"Even," Isak's voice has a comforting cadence to it-- but Even can hear the warning there-- isn't sure if it says, _don't ask me about this,_ or _you don't want to ask me about this._ Fuck. It's probably both.

Even should leave it, just... leave it alone.

He should have left it alone ten years ago.

"Come back inside, man," Isak says, his hand coming to rest on Even's forearm. Even nods his head--

He wants to tell Isak that he's sorry...

He is-- after all this time and everything--

He finally regrets it.

He finally knows what Isak meant when he said it was a mistake and he was right and Even's sorry for doing that to him-- he's so fucking sorry.

"No, no, no..." Isak says, and then Even's being pulled into arms-- _Isak's_ Isak's scent enveloping him and Even wants to cry-- fuck. He's feeling things. Too many things and they all hurt. But he can't. He can't do that.

"Even, _no,"_ Isak says, his voice full of sympathy and regret and what a fucking mess. This guy is his friend, Isak is-- Even's known that for a while, a months at least.

But he's never known it as much as he does right now.

Without Even asking for it, Isak's already forgiven him.

Even wants to cry but he doesn't.

_Fuck, I'm so in love with you,_ he thinks.

And steps out from Isak's embrace.

_But it'll never be your burden,_ he promises.

"Let's go back inside," he says.

"Okay," Isak says-- for a second he looks like he wants to say more--

He doesn't.

He leaves it alone--

Together, they head back inside.


	11. Chapter 11

**EVEN**

The odd thing is that Even actually feels better after his huge, dramatic realisation.

It's problematic, the fact that he's in love with someone other than his wife, but that aside, for just a second-- it's good to finally _know_ what this thing is, inside of him, that gravitates towards Isak and makes him spend minutes and hours, thinking about nothing and no one else. He's in love with Isak and-- he's kind of always been? Since the first time he saw him. It answers so many of Even's questions-- why _this_ person, why can't I let go? Why do I see his face in my dreams? Why _still?_

And yes, for most of it, he was in love with the _idea_ of Isak, rather than the person but now he's gotten to know the guy...and it's like those feelings woke the fuck up and-- they've always been real but-- now they're more real than ever. He loves Isak. _He loves Isak._ What the fuck is he supposed to do now?

He needs to tell Sonja-- needs to tell her _something._ She's been giving him all these _looks_ these past few weeks, ranging from concern to suspicion and, sometimes, even anger and she doesn't deserve this-- living with someone who feels like he doesn't have anything to give her, all the time.

Because someone else has it-- has everything-- holds his heart in their hands and they don't even know and they'll never know. It's good-- that _Even_ finally understands but-- Isak never will and that's kind of a horrible, sickening thought. Despite how he accepts it-- doesn't have a choice but to accept it.

He needs to tell Sonja something but if he does, she'll tell Emma. Maybe. Probably. Even isn't sure and he's not willing to gamble with Isak's life like that. He promised he wouldn't do that-- wouldn't ruin Isak's life. Not with their secret. He promised himself that he wouldn't do it with his feelings and their implications.

He promised Sonja so many things.

But can't stay with her, he can't. Not like this-- that's too fucked up, even for him.

\---

**ISAK**

They're in his bed, about to go to sleep, when Emma asks, "What date should we have the wedding?"

Isak says, "I don't know," and Emma makes a thoughtful noise in her throat. She leans over, takes her phone from the bedside table and after a few seconds of looking at it, says, "The thirtieth of June is on a Saturday-- that's enough time, right?" She looks at Isak. "Just over three months from now..."

"I don't know," he says, again, because he honestly has no idea. No idea if it's long enough to plan a wedding or-- or _anything_ right now.

Emma nods her head and says, "I think it's enough time," she arches an eyebrow, "Yes?"

"Yes what?"

"Yes to the thirtieth of June."

Even's face flashes, for just a second, in Isak's head-- the way he'd been two weeks ago, when they stood outside his sister's house-- looking so fucking sad and lost and _sorry_ and it felt like something inside of Isak was breaking because - and here's the fucking truth, for once, _Jesus Christ,_ \- Even didn't have a fucking thing he needed to be sorry for.

Isak wants to tell him this, wants to see him and talk to him but Even's been sort of distant over texts and Isak's called and asked but Even hasn't been able to see him once since that night. It's depressing as fuck and it feels like Isak's stuck, completely alone, in this pit of confusion and self-delusion-- to think that it really matters to Even what Isak feels about what happened between them-- as if he wants to hear that it was the single, most stressful, frightening and _increadible_ night of Isak's life and, every surgery he's ever done included, the most alive he's ever felt. Even doesn't want to hear any of that but at least he should hear that what they did wasn't _wrong_

It wasn't wrong.

It's wasn't--

_It wasn't wrong._

"Isak?"

He blinks at Emma, trying to come back to himself, to this moment-- that has to do with setting a date for his wedding - _to Emma_ \- and absolutely nothing to do with Isak realizing that--

That _somewhere_ along the line, he stopped thinking of being gay as something that was inherently wrong and shameful.

Okay, yes, he's never really thought that about other people-- not Eskild or Linda or Camilla or any other gay person he's known but _himself_ yes. It was-- that time he had sex with a guy? **Yes.** It was wrong-- that wasn't even a question ever...and now it's not a question either.

Because he knows it wasn't wrong.

_When the fuck did that happen?_

Shit.

"I can't-- talk about this right now. I've got an early surgery tomorrow, can I just get some sleep, please?"

Emma looks taken aback and, for a few seconds, like she might get upset but then she just sighs and says, "Okay, some other time then."

Isak rolls over and thinks and switches off the lamp and thinks and he thinks and _thinks_ for a really long time.

\---

**EVEN**

It isn't anything specific that changes his mind. In the end, it's a bunch of little things over time--

It's Sonja running out of shower gel and using his, smelling like him for the rest of the day. It's her fingers in his hair when his head is laying in her lap, scratching softly. It's the way she grouches at him to eat something before he takes his meds in the morning. It's sex and all the ways she knows exactly how to touch him. It's the way she makes Eli laugh and how it makes Even smile. It's a lot of things-- and it's _Sonja._ It's fourteen years.

It's a _save the date_ that comes in the mail on a Tuesday.

***

"So you guys set a date!" Sonja says, all excited, and Even needs to get a drink in him if he's going to deal with the way Emma lights up and Isak looking totally bashful but happy. It's maybe a little abrupt, when he just turns and walks away but he can't be bothered with appearances right now.

It's a good thing Emma always seems to have copious amounts of alcohol whenever she hosts anything at her house. Even wonders if this is a celebration of them deciding on a date for their wedding-- Sonja just said, "There's a thing at Emma's tonight. Should we go?" and Even said yes for reasons that may or may not have to do with not having seen Isak in three weeks. He almost backed out of it because Eli didn't seem to be feeling well but Lisbeth was there and, according to both Eli and Sonja, Even's already done more than enough mothering during the day. He phoned her oncologist and scheduled an appointment for tomorrow anyway-- just to be safe. Eli's gonna kill him when she finds out. He couldn't care less.

Isak finds him sitting alone on one of the couches and, without a second's hesitation it seems, plants himself next to Even, none to gently. Isak smiles at him. And really-- he does look fucking happy. Even knows why-- knows it's not to see him. He doesn't want to talk about this-- Isak's wedding-- not at all. But it seems Even's masochistic tendencies have decided to make an appearance tonight.

"So three months until the wedding?"

And Isak's face just kind of falls-- and goes unbelievably sad and _what the hell?_ Ten minutes ago-- ten seconds ago, he didn't look like this.

"Yeah," Isak says, "Three months," and he swallows thickly and he couldn't look any more miserable if he tried. It's doing Even's head in, giving him serious whiplash. "Anyway," Isak says, "How have you been? I feel like we haven't talked in a while."

They talked this morning. Granted, it was over texts-- just a few messages back and forth and one particularly hilarious meme, if Even does say so himself, but the point still stands. Or maybe Isak means they haven't actually spoken face to face since that disaster three weeks ago. In which case, Even's not going to point that out. It's spectacular how much - despite there existing every reason for it between them - things never really feel awkward when he's talking to Isak. But there's no need for Even to _try_ and make things uncomfortable.

"I'm good. Pretty good. Busy with work and everything and Eli and stuff," Even says, only belatedly realising he's rambling. But it's hard not to, when Isak's sitting so fucking close to him (does he realize? No-- no, of course he doesn't) and looking like _that._ Isak shouldn't be allowed to wear that particular shade of green. It does dangerous things to his eyes. And can he maybe do up another button or two on his shirt because the part of his chest that's showing is making Even's throat go dry. Fuck him-- seriously. Fuck Isak Valtersen.

Even _really_ wishes such a thing was on the table.

"How are you?" Even asks, and tries to stop checking Isak out and deluding himself that Isak's been doing the same exact thing since he sat down next to Even.

"Me? Uh-- good. Work's been hectic for me too but-- it is what it is."

"Still enjoying it?"

"Of course," Isak says with a soft smile that Even wants to kiss off his mouth. "I can't imagine myself doing anything else."

"Yeah, you kinda seem like..." Even trails off because he was about to say something epically stupid. He takes a drink of his beer and avoids Isak's eyes.

"Like what?" Isak asks.

"You know-- like. Committed. Like, if you've made up your mind about something..."

_Stop talking, Even. You idiot._

"...then you stick with it."

_That's enough. Stop. Talking._

"Like Emma."

_Shit._

A deep frown appears between Isak's brows, "Huh?"

God, now Even's going to have to attempt to explain the stupidity that came out of his mouth. "I mean, you've been together since you were teenagers and...now you're getting married."

"Yeah," Isak says, still frowning, "...but why do you say that like it's a bad thing?" He doesn't sound defensive, which is a surprise. Just curious.

"I wasn't," Even says, "No, I didn't mean-- "

"Because didn't you do the exact same thing?" Isak asks.

"Well, yeah but..."

"But what?"

Even purses his lips, wondering if he should say this. But fuck it-- there's enough unsaid things between them to fill an ocean of unresolved tension.

"But I tried to go for something else, remember? Once. I gave it a shot and it didn't work out."

"You mean..."

"Yeah," Even says and watches as Isak goes on to process what he just said. Mostly he just looks confused. Then he frowns even deeper and asks, "Are you saying you had feelings for me?"

He says the words like the idea of it is completely blowing his mind, like he's never imagined them as possibilitiy before, which is ridiculous. Isak knew-- of course he knew.

"Of course I did, I was completely-- "

Even's words cut off as Emma falls into Isak's lap, who's arms fold - easy and familiar - around her waist-- a second nature.

"What are you guys talking about?" She asks, and Even keeps his mouth shut because he's said fucking enough and Isak says, voice soft and quiet, "Not anything that's really important."

No one else in the world could ever hurt Even this bad with just five words.

***

He's wrong about that.

"We did everything we could," Eli's doctor says, three days later.


	12. Chapter 12

**EVEN**

Even takes a deep breath as he startles awake, opens his eyes.

The first thing he sees Sonja, her hand still on his shoulder, and her face pinched, her frown deep and prominent. She says something but Even doesn't really hear it-- too busy listening to the consistent sound, the beep-beep of the machine his sister is hooked up to.

He looks back at her and-- Eli is sleeping. And that has never been a more frightening sight. She's so pale and when Even reaches for her hand, he's almost shocked by its warmth.

"Even," Sonja's voice finally pierces through his haze, her hand on his shoulder, it seems, still trying to shake him awake. "Hey," she says, as he blinks at her. Sonja looks like he feels.

"Hey," his throat feels dry and like some sort of magic trick, Sonja produces a bottle of water from nowhere. Even takes it from her with what, otherwise, may have been a grateful smile. "Thank you."

"I got you some food," Sonja says and Even shakes his head. "Okay," she says, and again, "...okay." He knows, in another few hours, she won't take no for an answer and she'll push.

But for now Sonja sits down in the chair next to him, close enough that her side is pressed against his.

Even forces himself to look back at Eli, despite how difficult it makes breathing.

It's both better and worse when she's awake-- easier to keep in mind that she's still here but usually she's too doped up on morphine to be coherent. Just a week ago, she was fine.

She was better than fine-- she was fucking beautiful. For over a month, he was convinced things were looking up. Even doesn't get it, how the doctors can suddenly say it's all bullshit.

"We see this behavior, sometimes, in terminal patients. The rally for a few days... sometimes weeks before death occurs. We don't know why it happens.

A far cry from the proud smiles and pats on the back they'd given themselves when Eli seemed to be doing better.

It's bullshit... all of it. Eli and the cancer and Finn talking about funeral arrangements and the doctor saying, "It could happen at any moment," when he obviously doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about.

Sonja makes a tiny sound of distress next to him and that's when Even notices he's got her hand in a fucking painful grip-- probably has for a while and she hasn't said a thing about it. He tries to let go but Sonja doesn't let him.

They sit for another two hours and then Eli wakes up.

It's both better and worse.

***

Even's throwing out his uneaten sandwich, when he hears Sonja a few steps down the corridor, talking on her phone.

"I'll let you know, okay, but thanks. And I'll tell Even that you send your love."

Even turns around and heads inside Eli's hospital room again-- goes and sits down next to her. She tries to smile at him and Even bites down on his bottom lip, almost hard enough to draw blood.

She's more aware now because she's refused to press that morphine button for close to an hour. She's hurting-- trying to hide it-- but Even can't do it for her, doesn't have that right. It will become unbareable eventually and Eli will give in and do it. It feels a little bit like defeat every time she does-- as much as it's a relief to both of them.

"Hey bro," she says and Even wishes she wouldn't try so hard to talk. He doesn't ever want to stop hearing her voice.

So instead he talks-- as much as he can, telling her all kinds of stories and shit that she's probably heard a bunch of times. He knows it's mostly rambling but Eli hangs on to every word as much as she can.

He's telling her about the time he ran through Oslo bare ass naked, when Sonja comes back inside. She's all faked entusiasm as she says hi to Eli, but her smile is genuine and Even marvels at her strength. She starts talking to Eli but after a few minutes she mentions, "Even, I talked to Emma and her and Isak want to come by."

"Isak!" Eli says, suddenly. "Yes, I want to meet Isak, Even."

"Yeah?" He asks and forces himself to smile.

"Hmm," Eli says. "...need to see this boy," she says and Even sees Sonja give a confused frown. He ignores it.

"Sure, we can do that," he says. Eli might be asleep if and when they get here but he still tells Sonja, "Ask them to come, please?"

"Okay," she says, and shrugs like she's trying to shrug off her confusion. Even doesn't know how he feels about that. He only knows that Eli is dying and she said she wants to see Isak. Even wants her to. Even if she won't understand-- even though Isak never will...

He wants her to, at least once, meet the man he loves.

\---

**ISAK**

Emma hangs up the phone. "Sonja said we can go to the hospital," she says and Isak nods his head.

"Yeah? Now?"

He's already up from his bed anyway... just in case the answer is yes. Emma nods and gets up as well.

Isak's putting on his shoes when Emma asks, voice soft and tentative, "You're sure you want to go? I mean, I could go alone."

_What?_

"Why the fuck wouldn't I go? Even's sister is-- "

"Dying of cancer," Emma says. "And your mom..."

Isak doesn't even bother rolling his eyes.

"This isn't about my mother. This is about Even."

And the fact that Isak hasn't been able to fucking breathe since he heard about his sister's admission to the hospital. And maybe it _is_ just a little bit about his mother-- because Isak remembers how much that tore him apart. And if Even is feeling anything like that, then Isak needs to-- he needs...

He doesn't fucking _know_ what he needs and it doesn't fucking matter. Even's all that matters.

"If you're sure," Emma says, still giving him a dubious look and that's fair-- he knows.

No one in the world knows him as well as this girl but there's this whole part of him that she has no clue about.

And that part is all wrapped up in Even-- and how much he must be hurting right now.

Emma doesn't understand but then again, she probably never will.

It doesn't fucking matter.

"Let's just go," Isak says, and grabs his keys. _"Please."_

"Okay," Emma says, a flicker of confusion crossing her features. "I didn't know you..."

"What?" Isak asks, already heading for the door.

"Nothing," Emma says after a moment and Isak leaves it at that. He's got more important things to worry about right now. Like Even.

Even's the most important thing.

***

Sonja meets them on the ground floor and Emma hugs her for a long time whole Isak stands there and tries not to show any outward signs of his impatience. When it's his turn to hug her, he can admit, that it's a little bit brief and abrupt. He feels kind of guilty about it-- it's her sister-in-law after all-- but Sonja hardly shows any reaction from it.

They head for the elevator, Sonja telling them that Eli's awake but a little out of it from the pain management drugs. They ride up and walk down a long corridor and into a private room.

Isak's eyes find Even's immediately, tired and bloodshot, and it's like the fucking world stops.

Even looks like shit-- his hair in disarray and his clothes wrinkled and it's nothing that Isak didn't expect. He's seen things like this before. Once from the inside and so many times, as a part of his job, from the outside. He wants to fucking rush over to Even and pull him into his arms. He doesn't do that. He walks with the girls, deeper into the room.

Emma hugs Even and it's a long, drawn out hug, same as she gave Sonja-- but Even doesn't look away from Isak, not for more than a few seconds. He's holding Emma and staring straight at him and Isak tries to keep still-- to hide the vibrations of his body, and all the ways it wants to get to Even.

Emma steps away and in a heartbeat Even's in front of him. There's a split second where they just stand in front of each other-- and then Even moves, his arms coming around Isak's shoulders.

Isak tries to remember what this is supposed to be like-- what the proper way to do this would look like. He's comforted a lot of people in his life, it's a huge part of his job, but right now he doesn't know what he's doing. He doesn't think he's supposed to cling to Even like this-- or want to put his arms around Even's neck and run his hand through Even's hair and make it so that there's no space between them-- none at all-- ever-- like Even could carve him open and make a place for himself inside of Isak. He's not supposed to feel that. That's not how this is supposed to go.

So instead he puts both palms onto Even's back and keeps their chests together but their stomachs and everything below that apart and when he feels the ghost of Even's breath on his neck, he doesn't shiver. He doesn't close his eyes for more than he few seconds. And more than fucking anything-- he doesn't allow himself to enjoy this closeness to Even. That would be beyond fucked up right now.

Still, he waits for Even to be the one to move away first and even if that moment comes a little later than what might be deemed "normal" Isak doesn't let go. He doesn't think he could-- not as long as Even wants to hold on to him.

It's probably just a half a minute before Even lets go.

"Thank you for coming," he says, his hand on Isak's shoulder. Isak nods. He won't open his mouth right now...too afraid of what might come out of it. "Come on," Even turns around but his touch remains on Isak. "Come meet Eli."

***

She looks so much like Even that it makes Isak's chest ache and his breathing come up short.

"This is Isak," Even introduces, "...and his fiancee, Emma."

"Hi," Eli says and Isak sees it isn't easy for her. He looks at her-- _really looks_ and tries-- but can't conclude anything more than two days. If that.

"Hi, Eli. It's good to finally meet you. Even won't shut up about you."

"He's a pain in the ass, isn't he?" Eli coughs and almost everyone in the room flinches. Sonja gets her some water and Even clenches his hands until white knuckles form. His face stays pleasant, his smile doesn't falter.

"Tell me about yourself, Isak," Eli says, seemingly as soon as she can get her breath back. Isak looks at Even, who raises both his eyebrows, universal language for, "Well... get on with it."

So Isak talks-- about nothing in particular but also babies. He tells her about the triplets he delivered this morning and Eli doesn't seem to mind the subject. She asks Emma the same question, who blushes and stutters out a reply with a shaky voice. Emma isn't used to death and it scares her. Sonja takes her to go get coffee after about twenty minutes into their visit and Emma looks guilty with relief.

"So," Eli says, almost as soon as the girls are out of the door. "You're the kid that broke my brother's heart." Isak chokes and Even says, "Eli, for fuck's sake!" And then Eli tries to laugh, which is a disaster.

They give her water and calm her down but somehow, despite the obvious pain, she keeps her smile. Isak is a little bit in awe.

"He is cute though," Eli says to Even. She seems a lot tired now, after her coughing fit. Isak expects her to fall asleep any minute. She closes her eyes and says, "But nothing to keep breaking your heart over, baby."

It goes absolutely quiet and stays that way for a long time-- in which Even doesn't look at Isak and Isak doesn't breathe.

Eventually Even says, to a sleeping Eli--

"Yes, he is."

Isak, for some reason, finds he can breathe again.

He looks at Even and Even looks back-- and this isn't the time or the place.

"When's the last time you ate?" He asks and when Even can't remember, Isak gets up and goes to find the cafeteria.


	13. Chapter 13

**EVEN**

Even's tried to kill himself-- more than once, actually. And - way more times than that - he'd simply had the thought, the inclination to do it. To put a stop to all the ways he felt adrift and lost and so completely alone, he couldn't fucking bear it any longer. So he'd wanted death-- to end the pain-- so many times, he'd desired it.

He wants it _now_ if it meant-- if he could just-- if there was a _way_ somehow. To _help_ her. To save his sister. He'd die in her place in a heartbeat.

"I know," Isak says.

His hand runs, firm and sure, up and down Even's arm. "I know, Even, I know," he says, like that's all he can think to say.

Now that he's run out of words--

After talking Even down from what was basically a panic attack.

It just sort of happened. Eli's sleeping right now and she was, that's _all,_ just sleeping and Even was pacing the room because he couldn't stand to sit in the chair anymore and suddenly he couldn't _breathe_ almost like Eli was struggling to, two hours prior, but she was okay now, stable again, so he didn't understand why he still felt like the ground was opened up beneath his feet-- he'd left the room, leaving Sonja to watch over Eli, and ran straight into Isak.

Who then proceeded to expertly coach him back to an approximation of human function. Even thinks he asked at one point, how come Isak is so good at this but he didn't quite catch his answer. And now Isak is hugging him, apparently. That's a thing that's happening. _Okay._

Even finds it pretty much impossibly not to lean into Isak and hold on as tight as he can. _What?_ He didn't start this shit. He finishes it though, pulling back after about a minute or so to look at Isak who's staring at him with wide, worried eyes. Isak's also still touching him, his hand rested on Even's shoulder.

"Hey," he says to Isak, and exhales deeply, relieved now that his lungs can take in air again. "You're here."

Isak gives him a little smile and a nod and Even knows he probably shouldn't be, knows Isak worked a full day and is probably tired as hell. But he insisted that it was alright, and he would come by as soon as he could, adding, "If that's okay, I mean," a nervous edge to his voice.

Even didn't even think before he said yes. Just like the day before, when Isak showed up sans Emma, which Even didn't mind only because the girl had seemed remarkably uncomfortable around Eli when she came-- most people are. Eli's friends come, in and out throughout the day, clearly heartbroken but unable to stay more than a few minutes. But Isak's been here every night, staying for hours, and it's almost normal now. Sonja doesn't appear to question it and Eli, when she's awake and alert (and Even doesn't think about how those times keep getting shorter and shorter) doesn't seem to mind it either.

Even doesn't mind Isak being here-- doesn't mind it a little too much but what else is fucking new. It's honestly the least of his concerns right now.

"You wanna go back inside, don't you?" Isak says, like he's reading Even's mind.

Even nods and they go back in.

***

Sonja breaks that evening.

It starts sort of similar to Even's freak out earlier-- she just gets up from her chair, and walks out of the room, and Even's frozen for a few seconds, looking at her retreating form before he turns to the other two occupants in the room, "I uh-- "

"Even, _go,"_ Isak says, snapping him out of his mild shock and so finally Even gets up and follows after her.

He looks in the bathrooms first but they're empty and so are the hallways and he panics for a second before he thinks to go onto the balcony on the east side of the corridor. He finds her there. In the blistering fucking cold without her jacket, sitting on the cold tile with her head buried in her hands. Even takes off his jacket and kneels in front of her.

"Even, I'm sorry," she says, trough sobs as he wraps his jacket around her shaking shoulders, "I'm being-- but this-- it isn't _fair,"_ Sonja cries, sounding completely outraged and Even isn't sure if it's at the situation or herself for showing weakness-- knowing Sonja, it's probably both.

"I know," he says, because he doesn't know what else to say. He doesn't add how she doesn't have anything to apologise for. Sonja thinks she isn't being strong enough right now and Even won't convince her otherwise. It's just the way she is. "I know. I know it isn't fair."

She keeps crying, heartbroken sobs, getting tears and snot all over him, the way he's never seen her cry before-- not even those two times when it was _him_ in the hospital and Even understands what's happening here, because he understands Sonja. Almost as well as she understands him. This is her getting it out of the way-- for now. The worst of her initial grief. So when Eli-- when it's time for _his,_ Sonja can be his rock. Like she always is.

They stay out there-- for almost an hour but Even thinks it's okay because Eli isn't alone-- Isak's there with her. When she says she's ready to go back inside, Sonja still seems frayed around the edges but she's mostly composed-- wouldn't let anyone _especially_ Eli see her upset.

They walk into the hopital room, only to find Isak in Even's chair, the closest one to Eli, the two of them talking so quietly that Even doesn't have a hope of hearing what's being said. They stop when they notice him and Sonja. Even's got half an inclination to ask what they were talking about and something about Isak's expression says he shouldn't.

Neither Isak or Eli ask Sonja if she's okay, both of them somehow reading the situation well enough that know that wouldn't be a good idea. Even expects the air to fill with tension, at least a little, but it doesn't happen. He returns to telling Eli stories, Isak and Sonja seemingly content to listen along.

Later, when Isak and Sonja go down to get some food from the cafeteria, Even asks, "What was that with Isak? What were you two whispering about?"

"Wouldn't you like to know," Eli says.

"I would," Even confirms, "...so tell me."

But she refuses, no matter how he presses, "It was between the two of us," she says and Even gives her a long look, noticing how short her breathing is. He stops harassing her-- just sighs and resolves himself to never knowing.

"Even?" She says, after a moment.

"Hmm?"

"Thanks," Eli says. "For all of it-- "

Even gapes for a few seconds before he spits out, "Don't fucking thank me, Eli! Jesus. What the fuck?"

Eli looks like she wants to roll her eyes at him but can't find the energy for it-- and Even wants to cry so fucking bad. He swallows. Hard.

"Just-- you've always-- been there. Not just now. And Finn-- he didn't even _come."_

_"Yet,"_ Even tells her, taking her hand in the hopes that it'll sooth some of the sadness in her voice. "He'll be here tomorrow, remember?"

"Yeah," Eli smiles then-- but it isn't one that Even's ever seen before. "Tomorrow," she says. "I'm tired now, Even. Really tired."

"Okay," Even says, softly.

"You're my favorite person."

"You're mine too."

"I think I have some competition," she says and Even knows who she's talking about.

"No one," he promises. "There's no one I love more than you."

"Yeah," she says, "Sorry about that," and Even laughs and she closes her eyes.

"Sleep well, my sister," he says but she doesn't answer, already asleep.

***

Isak leaves a half an hour later.

Even's briefly taken aback when Sonja kisses him on the cheek as a goodbye. Isak seems just as startled-- but relaxes after a moment and returns the gesture in a seemingly genuine manner.

He hugs Even really tightly and says the same thing he always does, "Call me if you need anything," and this time it's said to both Sonja and Even.

They watch as he goes and when they're essentially alone, Even asks Sonja, "You okay?"

Sonja nods her head and takes his hand and they move back to the chairs to sit down again. After a few moments, she says, "Isak's a really good guy."

"He is," Even says, and it's a simple enough thing to admit. But it's suddenly really hard to keep holding Sonja's hand. So he holds on even tighter.

"We'll get through this," Sonja says and looks at him, _"somehow_ we'll survive it."

Even can't bring himself to agree with her and looks down at his lap.

***

They're curled together on their small cot that they keep in the corner of Eli's room and, sometimes, manages a couple of hours' sleep on--

Sonja's asleep right now, worn out from earlier and Even is too but he can't bring himself to close his eyes, keeps staring at Eli's bed in the dim light and it's completely quiet in the room, an almost silence-- except for the even beeping of the machines.

***

It's a quiet that eventually shatters, as the air is filled with sounds-- harsh alarms; urgent footsteps; people rushing back and forth;

his own protests-- as he's pushed out of the room; Sonja's voice; white noise, loud and blaring, all around him and inside of his head; and then--

The doctor's mouth moving, saying words-- that Even doesn't hear at first and then he can't understand them.

He nods anyway and the doctor says more words, says, _"I'm sorry for your loss,"_

Even just nods again because he thinks the words are supposed to makes sense but they just _don't._

He thinks they mean that Eli's dead so he _asks,_ he asks Sonja. If that's-- if it's true. She wouldn't lie to him. The doctor might but not Sonja.

But she says it too, so yeah. It's true.

"Eli's gone," Even echoes back, sounding strangely hollow to his own ears, a strong contrast to the anguish in Sonja's.

He says it again, trying the phrase out again, "My sister is dead," and this time it's completely hysterical. It keeps sounding that way as he keeps saying it, over and over again, can't stop saying it, can't stop crying-- can't _breathe_ and thinks he's going to claw his hair out of his skull.

"Even, _Even,"_ he looks up and there's Isak, in front of him, kneeling in front of his chair. Isak's hands are on his face, his forehead pressed against Even's and it might have been for a while, Even doesn't know.

"When did--you-- " Even manages to get out but it's a stupid question, doesn't matter-- _Isak._

Isak's here.

He's here.

Eli's dead.

She's _dead._

"I know," Isak says.

"I'm sorry, Even, I know," he says, like that's all he can think to say.


	14. Chapter 14

**ISAK**

The call comes just as Isak's just gotten out of the shower. He answers, after seeing Even's number, assuming it would be him and when it's his wife's voice instead, saying, "Hallo, Isak?" Isak _knows_ what she's about to say. He sits down on his bed.

"Hi, Sonja."

"Hi. It's um-- Eli. She died. Um-- about fifteen minutes ago."

Isak pinches the bridge of his nose and closes his eyes. "Okay," he says, "I'm very sorry, Sonja." He hears her suck in a deep breath, one that sounds painful even over the phone. When she speaks again, her voice is even more shaky than before.

"Can you come to the hospital, please? Is Emma there-- can you bring Emma?"

"I'll be there," Isak says, already halfway out the door, "Emma too."

"Hurry, Isak, just-- Even, he's..."

Yeah. _Even._ Isak can imagine. He takes a deep breath because it won't help if _he's_ also freaking out right now.

"Be there soon," he promises.

"Okay," Sonja says, and actually sounds somewhat calmer. "Thanks, Isak."

_Don't thank me for anything,_ he thinks, feeling more than slightly nauseated. Even's sister is dead. Shit. How the fuck is Isak supposed to navigate this shit?

In the end it doesn't matter because this-- _Even_ isn't something Isak can just run away from. Not anymore.

He hangs up with Sonja and gets into his car, takes a moment to rest his forehead against the steering wheel. Just a few seconds. Isak breathes. And then he starts the car to go and pick up Emma.

***

"I don't know how to do this," Emma says, as they pull up to the hospital parking lot. Her eyes are red rimmed and her bottom lip stressed from where she's been biting down on it-- textbook _Emma_ nervous tell.

"You do," Isak reminds her. "You did it for me."

"It's not _the same,"_ she says and no, it isn't. Not for her and not for Sonja. Isak needs to remember that.

They get out of the car and he takes her hand as they walk inside.

"We'll just do our best to be there for them, alright?"

Emma nods, a newly determined glint in her eye. And holy shit, Isak loves her. He really fucking does.

That - along with every other thought in his head - disappears when he sees Even. Isak's never seen anything like it-- logically, he knows it can't be true. He's seen broken people, _many_ broken people, in his life. Yet, somehow, no one else has ever looked more torn apart than the man in front of Isak right now. Isak is astounded by-- just how much it fucking _hurts_ to see him like this.

He takes Even's hands, which were trying to pull his hair from his skull, as if physical pain might be able to substitute for what he's going through right now. It won't, and Isak can't bear to see him hurt himself any more than he already does.

Even's hands shake in his and he doesn't seem to notice Isak's presence, despite how Isak says his name, over and over again. He gets deperate enough to move even closer from where he's kneeling in front of Even, into the man's space, his forehead pressed against Even's as he wills him to see him, see that Isak's here. He's trying. He wants to try. To be here for him.

"Even," he says, again, "Even," _please._

As if hearing Isak's silent plea, the man lifts his head slightly up, at first blinking vacant blue eyes at him but then they clear and Isak knows that Even sees him now.

"When did-- you-- " Even swallows, his hands clenching in Isak's grip, "Eli's dead," he says. "She's dead."

"I know," Isak says and feels terrible for not being strong enough to keep his own tears at bay. "I'm sorry, Even, I know," and Even's face crumbles up like Isak said the absolute _wrong_ thing-- but in the next he's throwing his arms around Isak's shoulders and burying sobs into his neck. Isak holds on-- as tight as he can. Somehow more than Even is holding on to him.

After some time, Isak isn't sure how long, Even's tears go quiet, then silent. They don't stop and he doesn't let go. So Isak doesn't either. But he moves slighty, enough to look around and sees Emma and Sonja standing a few meters away in a similarly fashion-- Emma's arms around Sonja's shaking shoulders with Emma looking his way, a mild look of confusion on her face. Isak turns his attention back to Even and doesn't think about it. Not right now.

After some more time has passed, he feels like he can shift, maybe. Just onto the chair next to Even, his arms staying around him and Even's head not moving for long from it's place in his neck. They just sit like that-- Isak's hand now rubbing up and down Even's back and he knows he'll have to let go, eventually. Even isn't really his to comfort, to look after. The thought of leaving him to Sonja to-- but she probably knows best, how to take care of him.

_Then why are you the one doing it right now instead of her?_

Isak tells his mind to shut up-- thoughts like that aren't just unhelpful, they're fucking dangerous right now. This all could blow up in Isak's face and the last thing Even needs right now is drama _fuck_ his whole world just came crashing down around him.

When Even speaks, his voice is raw and wrecked and Isak holds onto him a little tighter in response. "Are you coming home with us?" He asks.

"Yeah," Isak tells him. "Of course."

"You'll stay?"

Even sounds so fucking vulnerable and Isak's heart shatters into pieces for the nth time that day.

"Of course," he repeats. "For as long as you want me to."

Even gives a huff that sounds sarcastic and Isak bites his lip. He fights the urge to press a kiss into Even's hair-- has to fight it really hard.

"You ready to go then?" Isak asks.

"Isn't there-- with Eli, I don't know..."

"We can come back tomorrow," Isak says. "All the official stuff we can deal with tomorrow."

"I don't wanna leave her, Isak." Even sounds like he might start crying again but he doesn't-- just sniffles wetly against Isak's neck.

It's a difficult thing to say-- but Isak says it anyway. He has to.

"She's gone, Even. She's not here."

Even does start crying again but Isak kind of expected that.

"We don't have to go if you're not ready," he says but he really wants to get Even home.

"No," Even says. "Yeah, I need to-- there's a bunch of people I need to call and-- "

"I can call her friends," Sonja says, appearing in front of them. She shifts around, somewhat awkwardly, a move that Isak's sure is purely subconscious.

"I need to tell Finn," Even says.

"Yeah," Sonja agrees.

"Okay," Even says, and finally extracts himself from Isak. He takes the phone that Sonja's holding out and gets up and Isak watches as he walks a few steps down the hallway. Sonja takes the seat next to him and Emma settles down beside her.

"Finn?" Isak asks, mostly to break the silence as they all sit there and watch-- the way that Even's leaning with his forehead against the wall, as he talks to someone on the phone.

"His older brother."

"I didn't know he had a brother," Isak says.

"I'm not surprised, really," Sonja tells him, "Finn isn't exactly his favorite."

_Eli is,_ Isak thinks. _Was._

No. _Is is right._

"Maybe this will bring them closer together?" Emma says and Sonja scoffs but then says, with a sigh, "Maybe."

Even comes back looking tense and tired. "How is he?" Sonja asks and Even shakes his head. Sonja sighs again and gets up to hug him. Even holds her and closes his eyes and Isak looks away.

"You drive Even and Sonja home," Emma says to him. "I'll take your car and get some overnight stuff for us."

"Okay," Isak says. Emma gives him a weak smile but Isak can't manage to give one in return.

"Let's go then," Sonja says and they exchange car keys, Emma taking Isak's and Isak taking Even's.

He isn't surprised when the couple climb into the backseat together and tries not to feel too much like a chauffeur. The drive is mostly done in silence.

Isak parks the car at Eli's and they get out, Sonja and Even both hesitating before Even moves towards the door and unlocks it, fast, like if he doesn't do it that way, he won't do it at all.

"We'll be back in Oslo in a few days," Sonja says, her voice soft as she speaks to Even, who just nods absently.

Isak tries not to feel like the ground just opened up beneath his feet.

***

"The funeral will be in Oslo, same church, same cemetery as our parents," Even says and Isak didn't know that either. Not that Even's parents are dead or how they died and some of that probably shows on his face. "Car crash," Even says, "...about four years ago.

"I'm sorry," Isak says and Even just hums and looks away, staring at nothing the same way he's been doing for most of the last half an hour.

"More tea?" Emma asks, "... or some coffee?"

"I think there's some brandy in the cupboard underneath the sink," Sonja says and that snaps Even out of his haze. He raises his eyebrows and Sonja looks back, the two of them doing the silent communication thing that couples have. Isak has it with Emma-- has for years.

"Why didn't you say there was fucking brandy earlier?" Even says, and Sonja tells him, "Because it's not good for you."

"I don't actually give a fuck right now," Even tells her.

"Yeah, me either. You guys in?" Sonja asks and Isak thinks it's kind of an appropriate thing to do-- getting drunk to cope with the onset of loss. He nods his head and Emma does too.

Sonja comes back with four glasses and a bottle. She isn't stingy when she pours and everyone reaches for the drinks on the coffee table.

"No fucking toasts," Even says and Sonja makes an agreeing noise. They both take deep drinks from their glasses and Isak's heart hurts for the pain they're going through. Not just Even, he's surprised to realize. But Sonja too. He isn't sure why he's surprised by the fact that he cares about Sonja--

That's such a fucking lie. He knows exactly why he's surprised he gives a shit about Even's wife. Fuck. He's a terrible person. He copies Even and Sonja and swallows down a huge mouthful of brandy.

"We're not sleeping tonight," Even declares, "I don't want to."

"We can do that," Emma says, and Isak turns to her and sees the look on her face as she takes a small sip from her glass. Isak feels _weird._

The air is thick around them, heavy with Even and Sonja's grief and suffering but there's something else as well. A strange sort of comfort-- a new familiarity around the room. Isak doesn't want to see it destroyed, the thought almost unbareable.

But he knows he will. It's inevitable at this point. He's too weak to fight it for much longer. Yeah. He's definitely a horrible person.

He catches Even looking at him curiously and they hold each other's gaze for a long time. Isak wonders what's going on inside his head-- if it's really anything more than a chorus of _Eli Eli Eli_

Emma's saying something and Isak tunes back into the sound of her voice.

Isak's in a room with three people, all of which he cares about.

But only one he loves so much it scares him.


	15. Chapter 15

**ISAK**

"Come on," Emma says, leaning into his space, her nose trailing across his neck. The smell of her perfume overwhelms him, it's floral and sugary and Isak's eyes are burning. Or at least, that's what it feels like. That's what it's been feeling like ever since--

Well. Ever since.

"Let's find somewhere to be alone," her lips press against his skin and strangely, as far as seduction methods go, it's kind of working for Isak. He must be drunker than he thought.

This party would be the perfect opportunity to get his dick wet but his stomach turns at the thought. And not in that familiar way that makes his palms sweat and his stomach fill with painful knots. This isn't because of that.

"I gotta use the bathroom," he lies to Emma-- and hopes she'll get distracted by something when he's gone. He needs to get some air and he knows there isn't anyone outside right now. Not in this freaking cold.

Isak makes his way into the kitchen and grabs a bottle off the table - not particularly concerned with what's inside of it - and when the two people in the room leave, he unlocks the door and steps outside-- wanders in the near dark, stepping around a corner of the house.

He's wrong. There is someone else outside. And it's clearly a completely crazy person. What the hell?

"What the hell?" Isak says, and blinks a few times but he doesn't think he's drunk enough to imagine this (and that reminds him to take a sip from the bottle-- it burns his throat but he swallows it down) "What the fuck are you doing-- it's fucking freezing, man."

The guy in the pool smirks-- Isak thinks. It's dark as shit out here and he can hardly see a fucking thing. But he sees eyes, twinkling with michief. Isak's stomach feels warm and he tells himself it's the alcohol. He takes another drink.

"Going for a swim," the guy says, his voice deep and rich and Isak likes it. Pool guy moves towards the pool edge, closer to where Isak's standing. "You got a problem with that?" In the dark Isak can make out raised eyebrows and not much else.

"It's so fucking cold. Are you insane?"

A pause. "Depends on who you ask, I guess."

There's something in his voice that makes Isak feel like he wants to apologise. He shakes off the feeling and drinks deep from the bottle.

"Wow, you're really going for it, huh?"

And really-- Isak's not about to be judged right now by some weirdo who goes swimming in an outdoor pool in sub-zero temperature, in fucking pitch dark. No matter how much his eyes are fucking sparkling and shit. Isak scoffs. "I do what I want," he declares, with a nod of his head.

"Everything okay?" The guys asks and Isak doesn't care for the concern in his voice-- not at all. It doesn't matter that his mom is apparently dying and Isak is a shitty son and human being for leaving her alone for months. He's not about to lay his baggage down at some stranger's feet.

"I gotta go," he says, without a hint of panic in his voice, thank you very much. He turns around to do exactly that. Leave. And find Emma probably. They don't have to sex 'cause it's kinda nice, sometimes. Just being near her. For now that can be enough.

"Wait," he hears the sound of splashing water and knows the guy is getting out. And Isak thinks he's shirtless-- pretty hard to make out but yeah. He shouldn't turn around and look at the half naked, wet guy. That's a terrible idea.

Isak turns around.

"Oh," he says-- because it's clear now, since the guy is standing close (so close) to him. That it's him. The guy that Isak hasn't been thinking about or looking at-- not anymore. Not for the last twenty-three days since Emma's party. "Hi," Isak says like an idiot.

"Do you mind if I..." He reaches out his hand and Isak, for a half a second, freaks out at the thought of him touching him. But then he realizes he's only reaching for the bottle in Isak's grip. Hypocrite. Isak gives it to him-- and doesn't look, as his Adam's apple bobs in his throat as he swallows. Isak wants to go. He also wants his bottle back but he thinks he'd let this guy keep it, if it meant Isak could keep his dignity. But he gives it back with an easy smile and it's a nice smile. Shit.

"Well, it was nice meeting you-- uh-- " Isak suddenly realizes that he doesn't want to know his name-- doesn't want something else to haunt his thoughts and dreams. The guy opens his mouth, like he's about to say it and Isak panics.

"Goodbye," he says. "I'm going inside. So-- goodbye. And goodnight. Bye," he basically runs away and doesn't look back and yeah, so much for his dignity.

"Where were you?" Emma asks, as Isak deposits the almost empty bottle on the closest flat surface.

Having the weirdest encounter of my life, he thinks.

"Nowhere," he says, "I think I'm gonna find Jonas and get out of here. I'll call you tomorrow, yeah?"

"Uh, okay," Emma says, with a disappointed pout and Isak doesn't like seeing it so he leans in and kisses it away. When he moves back, Isak catches sight of him staring at him with an intensity that makes his stomach flip. Fuck Jonas-- Isak's getting the fuck out of here right now.

"See you," Isak says absently to his girlfriend and for the second time tonight, runs away from his second worst nightmare.

\---

**EVEN**

It's his worst nightmare come to life.

Even stares at the ceiling and he can't stop thinking about it. He feels guilty for wishing he could. But it's fucking impossible--

Eli was the most important person in his life, the person he was closest to in the world, including Sonja-- who Even sometimes thinks can read his freaking mind.

It's a good thing she can't though.

Because in the rare few moments when he isn't wondering how the fuck he's supposed to live in a world without Eli Bech Næsheim in it--

He's thinking about how he's going to keep Isak Valtersen inside of his.

Eli's probably already in Oslo, Even having signed the paperwork this morning to have her-- her body, he mentally corrects-- transferred to a mortuary over there.

And in a few hours, Even's getting in his car and driving there-- driving back home. Home. Funny how it feels like he doesn't have that anymore. That the closest thing to it, is someone he's leaving behind.

It's probably stupid to feel like he'll never see Isak again-- Oslo's just an hour's drive away and one that Isak's making in a couple of days for the funeral. But then he's coming back because this is where he lives. And this isn't where Even lives-- it's where Eli lived and his life is waiting for him to return to it. With Sonja.

While Isak makes one with Emma.

Even will be invited to the wedding and it'll most likely be the only other time he'll see Isak in the next few months. Maybe ever. Fuck, he's being dramatic. But it's easier-- to obsess about this than think about Eli.

Eli who's dead and gone.

Fuck.

"Hey," a soft voice says and Even does his best to discreetly wipe at his eyes and nose. There isn't really a point to it because Isak's seen him at his worst already. But Even couldn't really help himself then-- he'd needed Isak like he'd probably never needed anyone before. And now he feels naked and so fucking vulnerable around him that he just wants to hide from Isak's sympathic and horribly knowing looks.

"Hi, Isak," Even says, just as softly and doesn't turn around to face him. He feels Isak's weight settle next to him, the bed dipping slightly.

"How's it going?" Isak asks and Even swallows. Isak's asked him this question every day and Even always answers the same way-- he knows Isak knows he'll answer the same and still he asks. Even would love to know the point but for some reason he hasn't voiced the question.

"Same," he says.

"The front door was open," Isak tells him. "I knocked but uh-- where's Sonja?" He prods gently.

"She went to check on Daniel."

Isak hums. "How's he doing?"

"Fuck, I don't know," Even sighs. He hasn't wanted to see Eli's boyfriend-- or ex-boyfriend whatever-- didn't want to deal with another person's loss. His own is overwhelming enough.

"It seemed like-- at the hospital-- when he visited. It seemed like he really loved her."

Even doesn't say anything. It was Eli so yeah-- obviously he loved her. Not that it fucking matters now.

Really -- what the fuck does love even matter?

It doesn't.

He looks at Isak. "What the fuck are you even doing here?"

Isak's eyes go comically wide, his entire body going stock still--

And Even's stomach hurts at the sight but he can't bring himself to give a shit right now.

"I mean, seriously, why are you here? Because we're friends?"

Isak seems to snap out of whatever trance he was in a moment ago. "Don't say it like that-- don't say it like it's bullshit. It's not."

 

"Fuck off," Even says and turns away--

 

And Isak just sighs, sounding put out but not exactly hurt. Not angry. It frustrates the hell out of Even.

 

"This whole thing is fucking bullshit."

 

"I know," Isak says-- and Even startles when he feels a hand wrap around his. "It fucking sucks."

 

Even knows that tone, soft and understanding. And it pisses him off "This isn't-- fuck you, this isn't about Eli."

 

"No?"

 

"No."

 

"What is it about then?" Isak asks-- and something so subtle gives him away, just a little bit. Jesus, dude.

 

"What the fuck do you want from me?"

 

"Oh, Even," and Isak sounds like his heart is breaking. "No, I've-- I think I've taken enough. I don't want anything."

 

"You say that like you think I give a shit. I don't." And Even doesn't know why these words are coming out of his mouth-- he doesn't. But he's fucking furious, okay. He's mad as hell and Isak is a fucking asshole who's been fucking with his head for long enough.

 

Isak's hand squeezes his and for a second Even forgot that he was holding it. He wants to let go. He wants to want to let go. So fucking bad.

 

He doesn't.

 

"Do you want me to go?" Isak asks, voice kind and caring and filled with understanding and Even sort of hates him in that moment.

 

He doesn't answer Isak who says, after it becomes clear that Even's keeping mum--

 

"Or I can stay right here."

 

After a long moment he tells Isak, "I'm shit company right now."

 

"You're angry. It's understandable."

 

"I was being an asshole."

 

Isak hesitates. "A little bit."

 

"You didn't deserve that."

 

"Debatable," Isak says. "But thanks."

 

Even sighs. "This sucks so much, Isak. I feel like my head's going to explode. I've never felt like this and that's saying a lot, you know. Or well, you don't know. You have no idea how fucked up I am."

 

"I guess not," Isak says consideringly, "But you could tell me about it if you want-- whenever you're ready."

 

"I doubt there'll be time for that."

 

"How so?"

 

Even swallows. "I'm moving back to Oslo and you're..."

 

"Oh, come on, you don't seriously think a little distance is going to keep me away from you, do you?"

 

Even's stomach flips. "What?"

 

"I mean," and Isak suddenly sounds really fucking shy. "Only if you want me around. If not then... "

 

Even turns to look at him and Isak's cheeks are stained pink. It's pretty. "Don't be an idiot," Even tells him.

 

Isak looks like he's fighting a smile.

 

And that's as much discussion as Even can take right now.

 

He starts crying about ten minutes later, turning back on his side away from Isak.

 

He shuts his eyes tight as he can when he feels Isak's hand on his back, rubbing gently and because Even's fucking weak, he shifts into his touch.

 

When he's settled down again-- Isak's hand a continuous warmth through his shirt-- Even hears the front door opening. He feels Isak tense, feels Isak move his hand away.

 

"You're leaving in an hour, yeah?"

 

Even hums his assent.

 

Isak exhales and Even's absolutely shocked--

 

At what feels like a gentle kiss pressed into his hair.

 

Isak gets up from the bed and Even forces himself to turn around and look at him.

 

"Call," Isak says, his face and voice completely serious. "Anytime, okay? The only time I wouldn't answer is if I'm in surgery."

 

"Okay," Even says, sounding horse to his own ears.

 

Isak sighs, "I'll see you soon."

 

He bites his lip and looks like the last thing he wants to do is leave right now. Even's a little bit floored but it's honestly all too confusing to process.

 

So he just say, again, "Okay."

 

Isak nods his head. "Okay. Bye," and then he's turning around, walking out of the room, fast, like he's ripping off a band-aid.

 

Even can hear him in the kitchen seconds later, talking to Sonja.

 

He hears when Isak says, "You two take care of each other, okay?"

 

"We always do," Sonja tells him.

 

"Okay. Good."

 

"Don't look so worried."

 

"Im not worried. Okay I'm worried but-- I'm gonna go now."

 

"See you on Friday, Isak."

 

"Yeah. Drive safe. Bye."

 

Even thinks they hug-- and then Isak leaves.

 

Five minutes later Sonja comes into the room.

 

"Hey," she says and lies down next to him-- her arm folds around his waist and Even closes his eyes.

 

Sonja's a familiar presence and-- for the most part-- a comforting one. But Even--

 

He misses Isak.

 

And Eli.

 

He misses her so fucking much.

 

"Me too, love," Sonja says--

 

And kisses the exact same spot as Isak did.


	16. Chapter 16

**ISAK**

Isak's in the locker room, getting his stuff after his Thursday night shift when he hears a _"Hey,"_ come from a familiar voice and turns towards it.

"Hey, boss." Linda raises both eyebrows.

Isak wonders if he's always going to feel a tug in the back of his mind now, whenever someone does that.

He figures it's a likely possibility.

"What are you trying to get out of me?" Linda asks, "I already approved your leave."

"Nothing," Isak says, shouldering his bag and closing his locker. "I have just grown into the respectful subordinate you're always lamenting not having. Aren't you overjoyed?"

"Hmm," Linda hums, rocking slightly on her heels. "I have been wondering where my _usual_ Isak has gone lately. But I can take a guess."

It's suddenly a lot more difficult to keep looking at Linda-- when his throat feels all tight and his heart is starting to race a little. But Isak forces himself not to look away.

"These last two weeks have been a lot to deal with," he tells her, "...but I'm fine."

"I know," Linda says, "That's not what I meant-- although I know it's been difficult with your friend dying."

Isak doesn't correct Linda, doesn't tell her that it's _technically_ the relative of a friend. Because he only really knew Eli for a few days and - as much as she still had such a bright spark in her - Isak knows he didn't meet the _real_ Eli. Didn't get to know her.

"Then how do you mean?" Isak asks, confused.

"I don't really know," Linda says with a shrug. "You just seem different somehow-- calmer? That's probably not the right word."

"Probably not," Isak says.

He isn't calm-- not about anything.

"But there is _something,"_ Linda says, her voice speculative, bordering on suspicious. She's his friend-- and he knows it's just because she cares a lot.

"Yes," Isak says, "I-- uh. I'm still-- you know, in the process of figuring it out-- but yeah."

Linda gives him a tentative smile. "That sounds like a good thing," but she doesn't seem too sure about that, "...right?"

Well, let's see.

Isak is currently trying to figure out how to-- a) end his ten year relationship; b) do it in a way that doesn't implode his whole life; and c) not completely destroy the most important person in it.

And keep her. _God._

Isak is so completely selfish for how much he wants to keep Emma.

These last few days he's looked at her and... attempted it-- tried to imagine his world without her in it and it's fucking impossible--

Not that she'll believe that-- not when he finally tells her the truth.

So no.

No, it's _not_ a good thing.

It's just that it's something he's been forced to accept. They can't keep going like this. _He_ can't.

"Not now," he tells Linda. "But maybe-- "

And it's all he's got right now-- when it comes to both of them. Emma _and Even--_

Is hope.

"Maybe one day."

"Okay," Linda says and her smile is comforting and understanding and her eyes are fucking _proud--_

Like Isak's actually done something brave - and not just constantly played out scenarios in his head -

But he wants to earn that look.

And perhaps that counts for something.

***

So he hasn't been exactly _subtle--_

Which is why it shouldn't really come as a surprise when they've ony been driving for ten minutes and Emma asks him, "What's been going on with you?'

And Isak has prepared for this _he really has_ but-- okay, he's never pictured it happening in his car on their way to Oslo for a funeral. He didn't think it would happen so soon either. Shit.

_Think, Isak._

Isak swallows at the knot in his throat-- he isn't going to...he's not going to dismiss her. He isn't going to pretend like he doesn't know what she's talking about either. But for fuck's sake.

_Timing, Emma._

"There's something I need to talk to you about," Isak makes himself look at her, turning his eyes off the road for just a few seconds. "But after this weekend is over," he adds.

"Look," Emma gears up in that way that Isak knows so well. "I get that tomorrow is Eli's funeral and that we need-- we need to support Sonja and Even but I can't just press pause, Isak. You can't expect me to. Something is _wrong_ and I feel like not knowing _what_ is killing me."

"It won't," Isak says, "It won't actually kill you so-- can we just-- "

"No, we can't _just-- God._ Level with me here because lately it feels like, for the first time in years, I don't know what the hell is going on inside your head."

_That's not true,_ Isak thinks because there's a lot that goes on inside his head that Emma's never known--

The secrets he's kept, the denial he's buried himself inside, and how - for years - he's let it crush the both of them under it's weight.

"Emma, I _can't_ do this now," he pleads.

When he hears her make that sound like she's trying not to cry-- Isak wants to throw himself off a cliff.

"Okay," she says, her voice trembling. "Fine, Isak."

They drive the rest of the way in silence.

***

The house is kind of ridiculous and Isak wonders how he somehow missed the fact that they're rich as fuck. Even probably catches sight of his expression because he gives Isak an amused look-- not quite a smile but his eyes light up again, the way it did two minutes ago, when he opened the door and first saw Isak.

He'd wanted to hug Even immediately-- but everytime they do that, everything tends to kind of go _intense_ and shit and Isak didn't want create a heavy moment. Not when there seems to be an unexpected brightness inside of Even that he hadn't realized exactly how much he's missed it.

It doesn't last.

By the time Even and Sonja show him and Emma to their guest room, the mood has shifted-- everyone, once again, shrouded in complete misery.

"We'll leave you to settle in-- um," Sonja scratches her head. "I've got some stuff to go take care of before tomorrow but Even's here if you need anything," she says, putting her hand on her husband's back and giving him a significant look that Isak can't help but wonder what the fuck that's about.

"Mind if I tag along?" Emma asks-- and Isak knows she wants to get away from him. He tries not to feel relieved but he's an asshole so he fails miserably.

"Not at all," Sonja says.

Isak watches as they go.

And then it's-- _okay_ it's him and Even alone and... looking at each other. Apparently. Without saying a word.

Even's leaning against the door frame with his arms folded over his chest and it's a little hard to breathe with how much Isak wants to throw himself at him. Not in a sexual way of course. _Mostly._

Fuck, can one of them please say something? _What the fuck?_

"So you're rich?" _Oh my God, Isak._

That seems to startle a laugh out of Even and Isak rushes to apologise, "Shit, that was rude. And inappropriate. I'm sorry."

"No, it's fine," Even says and he's _smiling_ Isak's heart can't take it.

He doesn't throw himself at Even, he swears.

Somehow, it still feels like Even catches him.

His arms fold around Even's neck and Even's hands are on his back-- and Isak doesn't do anything as stupid as to just...sigh...and try to breathe Even in or anything like that. That would be-- yeah, no. He doesn't do that.

"Hello," Even says, his breath brushing along Isak's neck and that's _not fair._

"Hi," he manages to sqeek out. It's fucking embarrassing.

But Even doesn't let him go to give him a weird look.

Isak should let go. This-- what's happening inside his chest-- it isn't right. Despite how much it feels that way.

"Not yet," Even says-- when Isak _tries_ and Isak's stomach flips and he's literally never felt like this before in his life. Not even when... not even _then_

What is Even doing to him?

How the hell is Isak suppose to survive this?

"Even," he says, and it's a warning and a complaint and plea, all in one.

"Okay," Even says and then he lets go and it's not better-- not even when he takes two steps back. Not when he's staring at Isak like--

Isak doesn't even _know._

"I'm really happy to see you," Even says.

"Oh," Isak says. "Me too."

"Yeah?"

Isak nods his head, "Yeah," he says, feeling kind of breathless. He knows that Even picks up on it and the thought makes him blush. Shit.

And then Even blinks and it's over, Isak sees it happen. The moment, whatever _that_ was is gone now. In it's place is the Even that Isak's known for the last week, that he's spoken to three, four times a day over the phone for the last three days. The one that's completely shattered into pieces.

"It's Eli's funeral tomorrow," he tells Isak, like he thinks he doesn't know. But he does. And he's sorry-- he's _so_ sorry.

"What do you need?" Isak asks. _How can I make this better? I'd do anything-- give anything to make it hurt less._

But he knows there isn't anything.

Even smiles and it's so fractured that Isak knows he knows that too.


	17. Chapter 17

**EVEN**

He tries to listen to the minister, he really does. Eli didn't just believe in _a_ God, she believed in _this one_ that the minister is talking about right now-- how he has a plan for everything-- has reasons beyond our extremely limited human understanding.

It all sounds like bullshit to Even and he won't find comfort in these words-- probably wouldn't even if he did think the Christian ideas of God were valid.

_Finn_ does and he looks about as comforted as Even feels.

Once Eli's coffin has been covered in beautiful flowers, he meets Even's eyes and indicates for him to move-- to go throw in the first pile of dirt onto the coffin. It means something to Finn-- that Even should be the first one to do it-- obviously it's significant in a way that Even doesn't really comprehend.

But he does it anyway-- goes onto his haunches and takes a pile of cold, wet soil from the ground and looks down into the grave.

People sometimes do dramatic shit, Even's seen them like, try and throw themselves into the graves with their loved ones-- he can honestly say he doesn't have that impulse.

He throws the ground on the coffin and steps back and one by one others do the same, Finn and Sonja and then Anna, the boys and other family members who didn't care enough show up when she was alive and then Eli's friends. As Even watches Isak do it, he finds himself curious about the man's thoughts on the custom.

Then the funeral is over, the minister leaves-- it actually takes about ten minutes for everyone else to completely clear out but Sonja heards them away, leaving Finn and Even standing there.

When the grave diggers come closer, Finn shakes his head.

_Not yet._

It's another half hour before Finn hands him a shovel and together they bury their sister.

They're both breathing hard, sweating through their shirts by the time it's filled. Even shivers in the cold.

He thinks understands now.

Sonja's waiting in the car and takes one look at him before she's pulling out wet wipes and tissues and starts wiping tears and dirt smudges from his face. Even sits there and lets her, feeling more exhausted than he can ever remember being.

"Why didn't you go to the house?" He asks her. Most people should be there already.

"Emma and Anna are taking care of everyone, don't worry."

Even wasn't really all that worried but he nods his head.

Sonja drives them back to the house.

***

There's music playing that might be the most depressing shit Even's ever heard in his life. He wants to go turn it off and he hears, a few minutes later, Isak whisper, "Emma, this is the most depressing music I've ever heard."

Even wants to laugh-- his head actually hurts from the effort not to. It hurts enough that his eyes start to sting. The livingroom is full of people. Shit. He needs a distraction.

"Uncle Even?" He hears and turns away from staring at Isak to look down at the small boy in front of him.

Alex is four and he looks a lot more like Anna than Finn (thank God).

The boy lifts up his arms and Even takes the cue to pick him up. It takes him a few seconds to realize that the kid just wanted to give him a hug.

"Come on," Even tells him, "...let's get some food."

Martin, Alex's seven year old brother, finds them a little while later in the TV room setting up the games consol.

Even should probably feel guilty about using his nephews as shields from the offered condolences as well as a distraction from his grief but he hasn't seen them in weeks so he forgives himself.

Sonja comes in with more food for them and gives him a look that says, "I'm judging you but I'll leave you be," and Even appreciates it so much, she has no idea.

"Should I tell Isak where you're hiding?" She asks before she leaves, "He's looking around for you and Emma says he's five seconds off from a panic attack."

"Yeah, that's okay," he tells Sonja.

Isak comes in about a minute later and looks a little startled by the sight he's greeted with. Even smiles and introduces him to the boys who are polite but obviously care more about their game than paying much attention some strange adult.

Even wants to ask Isak why he was panicking just at the fact of losing sight of him but he doesn't.

They sit next to each other on the sofa, the two of them mostly quiet while the boys make their normal ruckus and for the first time that day Even feels like, maybe just for a little while, he can breathe.

\---

**ISAK**

People leave and they end up the same way they did that night that Eli died, sitting around in a livingroom drinking copious amounts of liquor except this time Even's brother and his wife (or ex-wife, Isak isn't sure) are there too.

"So how do you know each other?" Finn asks and Isak keeps his mouth shut, Even too. Sonja and Emma explain that they knew each other years ago and recently reconnected.

"And how did you become so close?" Anna asks, her tone is suspicious and suggestive and she's looking between Even and Isak, not the girls. Shit. This time Sonja and Emma are quiet and they too are giving Isak and Even expectant looks like, _yeah actually we've been wondering the same thing._

Isak probably should have tried to be more low-key about this whole _Even is sort of the centre of his universe_ thing-- he really should have.

Even shrugs, "When people stand by you through the most painful experience of your life, you tend to get close."

Anna has the decency to look shamefaced at that. Finn looks guilty as well. Isak feels guilty too because Even just _lied_ and used his sister's disease to do it.

Except maybe he didn't. It's not the whole truth but it's not a complete lie either.

Anna and Finn go into separate bedrooms which answers _that_ question and then Even tells Sonja to go to bed. "You look exhausted."

"I am," she says, "...are you coming or..."

"No, I'm gonna stay up."

"You sure?"

"Yeah, go on. It's fine."

"I think I'm gonna go to bed as well," Emma says, getting up from next to Isak. She quirks an eyebrow at him, "I assume you're staying?"

Something about the way she says it makes Isak's blood go cold and suddenly he wants to deny that staying was absolutely his intention. Emma looks angry. She looks furious and she looks like Isak's answer is everything.

He doesn't know how she's figured it out (or what she's figured out) but she has figured out _something_ at least and Isak is scared as fuck. He should go with her and talk to her, can't just...

He can't leave _Even._

"Guys?" Sonja asks, her voice questioning. Isak looks at Even-- who is the picture of calm and composure. Isak sees right through his expression and knows _just knows_ he isn't leaving him alone tonight. No way.

"I'm staying," he tells Emma, who nods her head and walks away.

"What just happened?" Sonja asks, looking around the room.

"We're having a fight," Isak tells her.

"Oh- _kay..._ Guess I'll go check up on her."

"Yeah," Isak says. And knows he fucked up. He should have gone with Emma. Now she's upset and if Sonja-- if she goes to Emma-- what if Emma tells...

But Emma doesn't _know_ anything-- not really. Right?

"Okay," Sonja says, still sounding unsure, but then she nods her head and leans down to kiss Even goodnight. Isak can't look-- he looks away. This is getting out of hand.

Sonja closes the door behind her and Isak slumps back on the couch, covers his face with his hands and groans.

"Why did you do that?" Even asks.

Isak takes his hands away from his face and looks at the other man.

Even's sitting in a chair right across from him. His eyes are sparkling with curiosity and Isak wonders if he really doesn't _know._

"I didn't want to leave you alone," he says and it's true enough.

"Why was Emma so upset?"

"I'm not sure," Isak says. Again. Not a lie.

Even nods his head, seems to consider this. He downs the last of his whiskey and puts the glass down on the coffee table. He leans forward, his elbows on his knees, hands clasped together underneath his chin and Isak's never in his life felt more _scrutinized._

"What's happening here, Isak?" He asks.

"I don't-- "

"Don't say you don't know what I'm talking about."

"I wasn't-- that's not what I was going to say."

Even raises his eyebrows-- because _of course_ he does. "No?"

"I was going to say _I don't know."_

"What are you and Emma fighting about?" There's a challenging edge to Even's voice. Isak knows he isn't okay-- he's a little bit drunk and he's not in a good head space-- not at all. This is the worst time to be talking along these lines. Isak feels trapped underneath his stare, like Emma's not the only one implying an ultimatum. But when it comes down to it-- Isak's already made the choice, hasn't he? He doesn't know _when_ he did, exactly. But he did.

He swallows. "Emma thinks there's something going on with me."

"Is there?" Even asks mildly. Isak's stomach hurts.

"Yes," he says.

"And what's that?"

It's all wrong-- Even's voice, his stare, his body language. It's almost hostile and Isak doesn't feel _safe._ Even's volatile in a way that Isak's never seen before and it scares him.

He's going to get hurt tonight, he knows. Just like Emma. Just like Even is hurting.

Maybe, after everything, it's exactly what he deserves. He opens his mouth but no words come out.

"Let me guess-- is it because you're a total closet case and you've been lying to her for years now?"

Isak blinks back his tears. He isn't going to cry like some little bitch. _He isn't._

"Even," he says. _Don't do this._

"I bet it is, huh? But she'll get over it, I'm sure. And you'll go back to living in your denial as usual. It's what you do best."

He isn't wrong about that. Except for how, this time, he is. He's completely missing the point. Isak stayed. Isak is here. He just doesn't know if he's wanted or not. Scratch that. He knows he isn't.

"I'm sorry that you're hurting Even but it doesn't make it okay for you to treat me like this."

Even scoffs, "Oh and it made it okay for you? Because your mother died?"

Isak flinches.

"So what, Isak, you just go out and fuck some random, use him and then throw him away like yesterday's garbage? That's what you did, isn't it?"

"Even, I-- I'm so-- "

_"Don't,"_ Even practically yells. "Don't tell me you're sorry when we both know it's bullshit."

"It isn't," Isak wipes at his face. "It's not, I am. I'm sorry, Even. I wish I could take it back."

"You can't," Even says, and gets up from his chair. "And I-- I wish I never fucking _touched you_ but I can't take that back either."

_Holy shit._

Fuck. Is this it then? This is what it feels like to get your heart broken? Shit. No wonder--

It's no wonder Even hates him.

Fuck, Isak can't blame him.

"Goodnight, Isak," Even says and Isak closes his eyes and buries his face in his hands. He doesn't watch Even go-- he _can't._

He sits there for close to an hour before he goes into the bedroom where Emma's sleeping.

He sits there and looks at her for a long time.

Then he grabs his car keys and leaves... the room and the house and Emma and Even both.

It's only temporary, he knows. He'll have to deal with both of them-- the two biggest loves of life-- the two biggest fuck ups of his life-- he'll have to deal with it sooner or later.

But not now.

He gets in his car and pulls out his phone.

"Hello?"

"Hey, it's me."

"Isak? What the hell-- it's three o'clock in the morning."

"I know. I'm sorry."

"What? No, don't apologise. What do you need?"

Isak closes his eyes and breathes.

"Isak? You there?"

_"You,"_ he says, "I need to-- can I come over?"

"Yeah," Jonas says. "Yeah, of course."


	18. Chapter 18

**EVEN**

21:05  
 _Hey, where are you? I heard there's a party at Liam's tonight._

21:06  
 _Did you go? Do you want to meet up?_

Even swallows the last mouthful of his beer, hurrying to finish it so he can grab another. If he's going to tell Sonja to come to this party then he should get as many drinks in him before she gets here and starts monitoring him.

They're not even together - well as much as they're ever not together - but he knows that's not going to stop Sonja from trying to take care of him. And that's kind of why he's going to tell her to come here. Because he misses that, misses her, misses having someone who gives an actual shit about him.

Even walks a few meters down the hallway, debating if he should type back a response or just call, when he hears someone clear their throat. He looks up, straight into that kids eyes. _Isak._ Even's smile is an automatic response. So is the slightly breathless, "Hi," that falls from his lips.

"I was looking for you," Isak says, perhaps a little franticly. Even tries not to show his confusion on his face. Or his anxiety. Or his fucking _hope._

"Okay," he says, sounding like a fucking idiot but then again, what else is he supposed to say? "I mean, you found me."

Apparently that was the right thing to say because Isak smiles at him and says, "Yeah...I did."

Isak doesn't have a drink in his hand. "Do you want me to get you something to drink?" Liam hordes his alcohol like the cheap asshole he is but he'd give Even whatever he wanted. "Beer?" He asks, already moving towards the kitchen.

Isak's hand on his arm stops him and it's like a shock to Even's system. Like at the pool, the last time they saw each other, their fingers brushing as Isak handed over the bottle of vodka. Even, fool that he is, imagined he felt his touch linger for days afterwards.

"No," Isak says, shaking his head. He's still touching Even, who tries to pretend like it's not shifting his world on it's axis. "Can we go somewhere?"

Even's sure his eyebrows raise into his hairline. Because if he's reading this right-- the almost desperate look in Isak's eyes, the way he shuffles on his feet and the fact that he _still_ hasn't let go of Even--

"Like outside or-- um."

"No," Isak says, and takes a step, moving even more into Even's space. The hand that isn't on Even, reaches just past him, for the door he's apparently been standing in front of. The door to a bedroom-- who's bedroom, Even is fucking clueless about. Not that is matters all that much to him. Not if this is actually happening right now. "In here," Isak says and Even swallows thickly, suddenly feeling more nervous than he can remember being in a really long time.

"Okay," he says, his voice steady, despite how he feels on the inside. He's good at this-- pretending to have his shit together when he's nowhere close to having his shit together. Right now his shit is all over the fucking place. Is this real? Is Even reading this correctly?

"Okay," Isak says, very softly and then he brushes past, his body so close to Even's it's like he can feel the warmth radiating off it. He trails inside after Isak, wondering what he's supposed to say, what exactly he's supposed to _do_ in this situation that might possibly be everything he's wanted for _months._ Fuck.

Even closes the door behind him and Isak's _so close_ to him and then even more so when he reaches past Even and turns the lock on the door. The sound is fucking deafening in the otherwise silent room. There is no possible way that Even's reading this wrong but maybe-- does Isak want to talk? It doesn't look like he wants to talk. It really doesn't.

And then his hands are on Even, trailing up and over his chest, and he's biting down on his bottom lip and staring into Even's eyes in a way that _burns_ and leaning closer and Even doesn't _think_ stops analysing the fuck out of this situation.

Even's hands find Isak's hips as he kisses him, lips brushing gently over the other boy's. Isak makes a sound of surprise and Even thinks maybe he fucked up-- but then Isak makes that noise again, louder this time and Even understands it for what it is when Isak kisses back, firm, insistent, with a hunger that sends Even's mind reeling and his blood racing.

He licks at Isak's bottom lip, that he'd been worrying mere seconds ago and the boy moans and it's the prettiest sound Even's ever heard in his life. Isak opens up for him and Even gets his first real taste of him and it's _good_ better than he imagined, which is a feat in and of itself-- Even licks into his mouth and Isak moans again, his tongue meeting Even's without hesitation or reluctance and shit, the boy can _kiss._

And if this is it-- like, if this is all that Isak wants right now, that's fine. That's more than fine with Even because he thinks he could do this for hours, all night and still want more-- more of Isak's lips moving against his and the sounds, god, the _sounds_ Isak makes, whimpering and overwhelmed and yeah, it's making Even's dick hard, of course it is, but he's not going to be that asshole who's just gonna try to go for--

And okay, those are Isak's hands-- on his shirt, trying to push it off, that's-- um--

"What's-- " Even tries to catch his breath but it's hard to do when Isak's latched onto his neck like this and is apparently really fucking adamant about getting his clothes off. Fuck. "What is happening right now?"

"What we both want," Isak pants against his neck, sounding turned on and desperate but Even can hear it, an undercurrent of doubt and nerves and Even rushes to reassure him because _yeah_

"I do, I _do_ want you," and it's more than he's ever wanted anyone and that's terrifying as hell but not something that's going to make him stop this. Even isn't completely stupid.

"Good," Isak says, like that's settled then and-- maybe it kind of is? At least for now it needs to be because Isak-- now that he's gotten Even's shirt off, he's moved on to removing his own and Even can't think straight because Isak's _skin_ and there'll be time for conversation eventually, right, but right now--

Right now there's Even helping with Isak's frantic persuit of getting them naked as fast as possible, still trying to kiss Isak as much as he can while moving them towards the bed. Isak falls down on top of it, on his back and Even stares in awe because he's just really all kinds of crazy fucking beautiful.

"Are you-- um-- "

Even looks up at Isak's face and notices his blush, pink and pretty on his cheeks and the way Isak's worrying his lip again. Even's mind is melting.

"Huh?"

There's a hint of a smirk playing on Isak's mouth and despite his nerves, even can hear a challenge in his voice when he asks, "Are you just going to stand there and _look_ or are you actually going to do something?"

Even moves immediately, climbing onto the bed. He touches Isak then, his leg and trails his hand up and Isak just spreads his legs open, clear invitation. Even stops breathing. He takes it, settles down on top of Isak and gasps at the same time as Isak does, as _so much_ of them is pressed against each other.

Even trembles and kisses Isak's mouth and asks, "Do you want-- " his words cut off as Isak bucks his hips up against him, the friction sending sparks of awesome sensation along his spine. He moans against the column of Isak's throat. "Tell me what you want," Even feels like he's begging. "I'd do anything you want."

And maybe he's talking about more than sex right now. But it's still true. Fuck. Even's in so fucking deep.

Isak's hands find his hair, fingers curling into the strands as he pulls Even up for a hot open mouthed kiss.

"I want everything," he pants into Even's mouth. "I want _you."_

\---

**ISAK**

Of the many things that Isak's learned of and appreciated about Jonas throughout the years, perhaps the guy's calm demeanor - the way that he's so chill most of the time, in most situations - is the one that Isak's admired the most. It's honestly never pissed him off the way it does right now.

"That's it? _Damn, dude_? I tell you I'm ending my engagement to the only person I've ever been with-- and that's what you're giving me?"

_"Is_ she?"

"What?"

"Emma," Jonas says, "Is she really the only person you've ever slept with?"

Isak goes completely still, "Why would you ask that?"

Jonas shrugs, getting up from his small, kitchen table. "It's just pretty rare, I think," He says and moves to his fridge and takes out two bottles of water, offering one to Isak, who takes it with a muttered _thanks,_ "I always assumed there were others, at least one or two," Jonas says as he sits down. Isak feels himself flush-- before reminding himself that he's a twenty-seven year old adult. Sure, he hasn't really talked about sex with anyone since his high school days of obnoxious posturing but there's no need for him to do his best impression of a blushing maiden right now.

"Can we get back to the point?" He asks, "I'm panicking here!"

"Well, obviously," Jonas says, again, _so chill,_ that Isak wants to throw him with the bottle of water in his hand. "It's ten years and-- I dunno, man. It's kind of coming out of nowhere, don't you think? Like, I asked but you can't even give me a reason for why."

"Yeah, it's not coming out of nowhere," Isak can't look at Jonas. Not if he's going to admit this. He doesn't want to see his friend's judgement. He knows he deserves it but-- it's difficult. It's not an excuse but it's always been difficult. So much that Isak didn't think he'd ever get to this point, where he'd actually admit this out loud to another person. "I have slept with someone else."

"Okay," Jonas says, and then he waits for Isak to continue. Isak who's pretending to be really preoccupied with removing the label from his water bottle. It's a while that they sit like that-- a couple of minutes at least. Before Isak takes a breath and just... fucking says it.

"It wasn't with a girl."

He sees, from the corner of his eye, how Jonas goes completely still. Fuck.

Isak isn't sure what he's waiting for right now, what reaction, what he wants to hear in response to the biggest secret he's kept.

When Jonas speaks, his voice doesn't betray any of his - understandable - shock-- which is pretty fucking impressive if you ask Isak. He asks, voice gentle but otherwise neautral, "Was it a one time thing-- or..?"

"It-- uh-- " Isak coughs to clear his throat.

He still can't look at Jonas. But he should probably try to do it soon. It really is time that he face up to this.

"It was once but I don't-- it wasn't really like-- what I mean is-- " Isak doesn't know what the fuck he means.

"Isak, breathe man, it's okay."

It's really _not._ But thanks for that, Jonas. Isak looks at him.

"I'm gay, is what I mean."

"Oh," Jonas says, and then, "Well, fuck."

Isak can't help it, he laughs, "Pretty much, yeah."

"Okay, Isak," Jonas nods his head, "I'm not going to ask a bunch of shit right now, questions and stuff, just... tell me what you need. Do you want to talk about it?"

"I don't know-- I don't know if I want to talk about it. I'm trying to figure out how to tell Emma."

"You sort of _have to_ tell her, man."

"I know," Isak says. He sighs, "Believe me, I know."

"Yeah."

"She's going to hate me."

"She's definitely going to be pissed," Jonas says and Isak cringes. "What, do you want me to sugar coat it? You know it's true."

"I do. Fuck. This is going to suck."

"I've got your back though," Jonas says, his hand moving onto Isak's shoulder, "Whatever you need, I mean it."

"Thanks, Jonas," Isak says and tries not to get chocked up. He doesn't deserve this but he's grateful as hell. He thinks this is what he loves most about Jonas. How fucking _good_ he is to the people he cares about.

Isak wishes he could say the same about himself but he can't.

"So are you going to crash on my couch?"

"It's already morning, I don't know. Maybe I should just go back and pick up Emma."

Jonas purses his lips, "You look exhausted, Isak. Maybe try to get a couple of hours' sleep so you're not completely strung out when you go and deal with this."

That's a really good point.

Also, a valid reason for more avoidance.

"Thanks," Isak tells Jonas, taking the pillow and blanket from him and dropping it on the couch. "For this and everything."

Jonas just shakes his head and hugs him-- easy and comfortable and not at all like anything major has changed between them since his confession.

Isak has to try really hard not to cry but he manages-- only sniffling a couple of times when Jonas has gone to bed and he's lying down on the couch. He doubts he'll be able to sleep though--

Isak's head races with thoughts and memories. He draws them like a line, cause and effect and mistake after mistake. He wants-- oddly enough, he wants his _mom._

He's always been so afraid of what she'd think-- what she'd say about this.

When she died, that old, familiar fear became entangled with everything else-- his guilt for leaving her, the pain of losing her.

Isak felt like he'd never be okay again but he knew that's what he deserved-- for being a horrible son-- a horrible person.

It was his only thought, over and over, on repeat inside his head.

Then a few days after her funeral someone made all of that go away-- at least for a while.

Isak lost his mind and went to a party with the clear intention of doing something stupid and wrong and the thing is that--

That it didn't _feel_ wrong.

And he wasn't afraid and there was no guilt and it didn't hurt.

For a few completely stolen moments, Isak found that _everything_ made sense because of the boy who was sleeping next to him-- who was just so kind and hot and beautiful and...

Isak didn't know his name.

He had done this-- sinned in this way-- with someone he didn't even _know_ and it didn't matter that he didn't actually believe in God because his mom did.

And his mom was dead.

Isak tried to breathe and reached out--

His fingers traced over the sleeping boy's features, touch gentle so he wouldn't wake up.

"I'm sorry," Isak said-- not sure which of them he was apologising to. It didn't really matter.

It would be worthless either way.

Now, Isak closes his eyes, and tries to imagine saying it again.

_I'm sorry._

Mom. Emma.

Even.

_I love you and I'm sorry._

Isak knows-- now-- that the words aren't worthless. He's old enough to understand that. But he also knows--

That doesn't mean they'll be _enough._

\---

**EVEN**

It's been like this everyday since it happened:

Wake up. Breathe. _Remember._

Keep breathing.

Open your eyes.

_You're_ alive. So you have to keep breathing.

Okay.

Even gets up and takes three steps towards the bathroom-- and then it happens.

_Something else._

He remembers something else.

"Shit."

"Even?" Sonja mumbles from where she has most of her face buried in a pillow.

"Fuck," Even says, "I need to-- "

He's knocking on their door like an idiot, like the asshole he is and Emma and Isak are probably still asleep--

It's only seven in the morning and he should have waited to do this-- tell Isak that he's sorry and he didn't mean any of that fucking awful shit he said and he's so _sorry_ when the door opens.

"Even."

"I need to talk to Isak," Even tries to look past Emma, into the room. She steps aside, lets the door open the rest of the way...

"He isn't here," she says at the look of confusion on Even's face.

"Where is he?"

Emma shrugs, "I woke up and his side of the bed hadn't been slept on. So I drew my own conclusions but then...here you are."

"Here I am," Even repeats.

He watches, feeling numb and slow minded, as Emma goes over to the nightstand to pick up her phone. She doesn't look at him as she dials and brings the phone up to her ear. A few seconds pass and then, "Hey yourself," she says, "You okay?"

Even can only assume it's Isak she's listening to on the other end.

"I'm fine," a beat and then, "Yeah, really. I'll see you soon."

Emma hangs up and turns back around.

"Oh, you're still here."

Even nods. "Is Isak-- is he okay?"

"I don't know," she says, "I don't know anything about what the fuck is going on."

Even doesn't either. Well _for the most part_ he doesn't know what the fuck is going on.

"But he's coming back?"

"Yes," Emma says. "He's on his way back."

"Okay," Even says, and decides now would be the perfect time to make his overdue exit.

"Even?"

He stops. "Yeah?"

"What did you say to upset him last night?"

Even blinks.

"What makes you think I said anything?"

Emma gives him a look that speaks volumes to how much she thinks he's full of shit. To be fair, she isn't wrong.

"I'm making coffee," he says, "Would you like some?"

Emma's tone matches his passive aggression perfectly.

"That would be lovely, thank you, Even."

He doesn't slam his own door on his way out but it's a near thing.


	19. Chapter 19

**ISAK**

It's kind of overwhelming how much Isak _does not_ want to go back to Even's place right now.

It's not just seeing Emma and knowing what he's planning to do-- what he's going to tell her. It's the fact that he has no idea _what_ to tell her.

Surely he can't tell her about his past with Even? Isak doesn't think he has the right to do that to his friend.

But at the same time, when it comes down to it, he wants to-- maybe _want_ isn't the right word to use-- _has to_ tell Emma as much of the truth as possible. Because it's the least of what she deserves right now.

He's just kind of generally fucked anyway-- it's not like he can go up to Even and be like, "So I'm trying to end my romantic relationship with Emma-- any advice?" There are _so many_ reasons he can't just do that. Christ, Isak has no idea what he's doing.

But there's no use sitting in his car, outside the house, until he works himself up to a panic attack. So he removes his hands from the steering wheel - oddly facinated by the way blood flow returns to them - and runs a hand through his hair. His contacts are irritating his eyes and his dress shirt is beyond wrinkled. He's a fucking mess. He gives a laugh that's a little hysterical and exhales and gets out of the car.

It's Sonja who opens up the door for him and Isak's so fucking relieved that he wants to hug her.

"Shit, Isak, you look like hell."

"Good morning to you too."

She steps aside, giving him a concerned look as he walks inside. Isak wishes she would stop. He feels shitty enough about Emma and Even right now and Sonja - sweet, wonderful Sonja who is literally perfect for Even in every way - being _nice_ to him, isn't helping with his frame of mind.

_I wish I never fucking touched you,_ Even screams inside his head, louder than he dared in real life.

"Don't look so petrified," Sonja whispers as Emma walks into the living room. Isak wants to run away. She sighs when she sees him and Isak really hopes she doesn't come over and hug him. Because he thinks he might start crying all over her or something. And that's _so_ not something that can happen.

"I'll just... not be here," Sonja says, gesturing at the room in general, and Isak and Emma both watch her make an awkward exit. When Emma looks back at Isak she's wearing a hint of a smile on her face.

"Hey," she says, "This is weird, right? It's not just me?"

"Not just you," Isak says-- eyeing the two and a half meters of space between them.

"I don't want to do this in someone else's house."

"Do what?" Isak asks, so quietly, he wonders how Emma even hears it from all the way over there. She looks small and the urge to protect her is so fucking familiar that Isak hurts all over. Emma shakes her head, no, like, _not doing this right now._

"Go take a shower, Isak," she says, "I'm going to get some breakfast started for Even and Sonja-- you know. As a thank you for putting us up for two days and uh-- " she's not looking at him. "Then we'll have breakfast and we can go home and we can-- yeah. Okay," Emma turns around and walks, presumably, towards the kitchen.

"Christ," Isak's eyes feel scratchy and burning and he rubs at them even though he shouldn't, "Fuck," he says, and removes his hands and blinks and-- again. And Even's still standing there. Looking white as a sheet and shuffling on his feet and looking the very definition of sad and pathetic and...guilty. _Oh._

"Hey, you alright?" Isak asks, moving towards Even before he's really decided to-- two steps in he hesitates and Even sees him hesitate, visibly wincing at the action, _This is stupid,_ Isak thinks and keeps moving closer, until he's in front of Even.

Even who's looking at him like he expects to be either verbally or literally eviscerated. "Hey, Isak," he says and blinks watery blue eyes at Isak and--

No. Nope. No way.

He just _can't_ with Even.

Not right now. Emma's right-- Isak should take a shower.

"You're sorry, I know," Isak walks past the taller man, "We don't need to get into it."

"Isak, wait," Even says but Isak isn't going to wait because he's taking a shower and having breakfast apparently and then he's getting the fuck out of here.

_I wish I never fucking touched you._

For fuck's sake, Isak, get a grip.

Even and Sonja's water pressure is good and Isak rests his head against the tile wall of the shower as it beats against his back. It's a little hotter than he usually goes in for but it's fine- doesn't bother Isak, although he's pink as shit by the time he gets out.

His eyes are red and irritated from sleeping with his contacts in-- and maybe some crying in the shower (not that Isak's admitting to that) so he puts on his glasses instead. And the dark blue jeans he arrived in on Friday, his favorite white sweater he brought along and his vans and-- looks in mirror and--

He looks _young._ With his hair - unstyled - and curling over his forehead and the glasses-- the effect is kind of amusing. Isak snorts and picks up his phone, pocketing it as he goes downstairs. For breakfast. With Emma. And Even and Sonja. _Awesome._

\---

**EVEN**

He can't stop looking at Isak. It's a problem.

He's just sitting there, on his phone, ignoring everyone else-- ignoring _Even_ and taking occasional sips from his coffee cup that he keeps refilling while he pushes around food on his plate but Isak-- like--

Isak's fucking beautiful.

With his _hair_ and it's-- _curling_ looking fucking softer than the sweater he's wearing and his cheeks are almost as pink as his lips and his _nose_ and his eyes and there are...huge fucking _glasses_ framing them that are slighty too big for his face so it's sliding down the bridge of his nose...

"-- Even," someone's shaking him. Sonja. Shit. "Even, you okay?"

"Yeah," he says. But Sonja's face does that thing where it goes sad and helpless. The way it gets when it's about Eli and Even feels horrible because it wasn't _that,_ it was him checking out Isak from across his dining table and getting completely carried away by it. Shit. Even Isak's looking up from his phone now, eyes wide with worry. Even wants to punch himself in the face but hey, at least Isak still worries about him. That means he doesn't complete hate Even right?

No, he definitely completely hates Even.

"Dude, what the fuck?!"

Even closes the door to the laundry room.

Shit.

They're in the laundry room. Together. Because this is apparently a thing that Even does now. He's a crazy person who drags guys-- who refuse to look or speak to him-- into laundry rooms.

Isak looks pissed.

Shit.

"I'm sorry," Even says.

Isak's glare intensifies.

"I'm _really_ sorry."

"Even, what the hell are you doing?!"

Even sushes him, "Not so loud!"

"Oh my God, have you completely lost it?"

Wait...has he? Even thinks about that for a second-- but no, he doesn't feel...

"No," he tells Isak, "Well, not really."

"Even, what do you think Emma and Sonja are going to assume about this?"

"Dont worry, they didn't see us heading in this direction."

"You mean, you _dragging_ me in this direction."

Okay. Fair. "You were ignoring me."

"I was _not."_

Really?

"Stop doing that thing with your eyebrows!"

"Softer," Even hisses. He frowns, "What thing with my eyebrows?"

Isak rolls his eyes, "Even, I wasn't ignoring you, okay? I told you it's fine. I'm not mad at you."

"No, but see...you are."

"So what if I am?" Isak asks, throwing his hands in the air. "I don't have the right to be? I told you that wasn't okay and okay, now I'm mad, alright? I get to be mad."

"I'm sorry."

"Stop saying you're sorry!"

_Isak._

"And stop freaking sushing me."

Even purses his lips to keep from doing something stupid. Like smiling at a validly infuriated Isak (who might just be the most adorable sight he's ever encountered in his life)

Or kissing him.

God. Even really has to fight off the second thing.

"Are you alright?" Isak asks, all of a sudden.

"I guess?" Or does Isak mean about Eli.

No, of course he does.

He really _is still_ worried about Even.

"Are _you?"_ Even asks, "I mean, me being a total dick aside, with the fight with Emma and everything?"

"I don't know if I want to discuss that with you," Isak says, very carefully.

"I overstepped," Even realizes. "I'm sorry."

"No, it's not that," Isak says, "Well it's kind of that but also-- you've got enough shit going on right now."

"Yeah but it doesn't mean you stop being important to me."

"Actually, I think it does," Isak sighs.

"What are you talking about?" Shit. "Are you saying you don't want to be friends anymore?"

Isak looks at him for a long time-- like a _really_ long time. Where he doesn't say anything as Even's heart frantically races in his chest and Even's this close to panicking because this _can't_ happen. He can't loose Isak because of one, stupid outburst.

Then Isak bites his lip and Even can't help it-- as his eyes follow the action. And Isak takes a step closer, and then another. Until he's standing right in front of Even. His hands come up to rest on Even's chest and everything-- _everything_ about this moment is familiar. They've been here before.

Isak leans closer and Even lets out a harsh exhale that probably warms Isak's lips. They're so close that Even's getting a little cross-eyed. Isak's nose brushes against his, once, twice. Even's heart beats loudly in his ears. If Isak was just a little bit closer, his words would brush against Even's mouth.

"I don't want to be friends anymore," Isak whispers.

And then he's gone, the door closing softly behind him--

As Even's left standing there, wondering what the fuck just happened.


	20. Chapter 20

**ISAK**

"Isak-- give me the keys, Isak."

He blinks, trying to clear the spots from his vision. He tries to focus, finds Emma standing in front of him, holding out her hand. _Keys._ Right.

He hands them over.

"Come on, get in," Emma says, as she walks around the car to the driver's side.

Isak opens the door and gets inside--

He stops thinking about Even--

Not his concern for Even--

His love-- or any of the other thousand things he feels about the man at any given moment.

Isak forces himself to think about only Emma.

She's sitting in the seat right next to him but he can't look at her. Everytime he does, the spots come back and his lungs get tighter and it makes his head hurt like it's about to explode.

But Emma doesn't look at him either, doesn't talk to him. Not once as they drive back.

When they stop, Isak's surprised to see it's outside of Emma's house.

"I doubt anyone else is home," she says, and that's the only explanation she offers before opening the door and getting out. Isak only sits for a few seconds longer before he nods his head at no one and nothing in particular and gets out as well.

He gets Emma's bag from the trunk and follows her inside the house-- and then to her bedroom, where she closes the door behind them.

It's literally been minutes that he's been standing there _trying_ but Isak _still_ can't do it. He can't look at her. He feels like the worst person in the world because-- as much as he wants to not be here right now, as much as he wants to just be _away_ from Emma--

More than that--

He wants to crawl into her bed and wrap himself around her. He wants to hide his face in her neck and bury himself in her scent and touch her hair, and do all those things he always does--

When he's looking for that sense of safety and _home_ that he's associated with her for what feels like forever.

But he can't do that.

Emma isn't his refuge, she isn't his place to _hide,_ she's a person, an amazing person, a person that Isak loves, who loves him too but only because she doesn't know any better, doesn't know what he's done, all the ways he's fucked up and how much he doesn't deserve her love and never did.

"Are you ready to tell me?" Emma asks, and Isak nods his head, because he _is_ he is ready, he needs to be-- and swallows around the tightness in his throat and says it.

He fucking says it.

\---

**EVEN**

Even wakes up on Monday morning and finds he doesn't just want waffles but fucking _needs_ them and then he makes too many but when he thinks about it he starts thinking that maybe he didn't make _enough_ actually so that's why he makes more and why-- when Sonja comes downstairs and finds him in the kitchen-- she gives him this _look_ and it should piss Even off but the thing is it doesn't, he doesn't give a shit.

"You stopped taking your meds," she says-- like it's just a simple fact and not an accusation. There isn't a hint of reproach or judgement in her voice and somehow that's the part that gets him ticked.

Because she thinks she understands, Sonja thinks she knows him _so well_ but she can't know what it's been like, what he's been feeling

Eli's dead, she's dead, she died, his sister's not alive anymore and for a week, Even felt like his world came to an end, felt broken and lost, felt pain and sadness-- or well, he _should have_ felt that way--

In truth it was more of an intellectual knowledge _Eli's dead, she's dead, she died, your sister's not alive anymore_ when the fucking mood stabilizers had him feeling approximately 0.15% of what that's actually supposed to feel like.

So yes, he stopped taking the fucking meds on Thursday and maybe the fact that he's soaring is unexpected (isn't funeral mania a thing though?) but at least he's feeling _something real_

Or something like that.

Sonja sighs.

Even shrugs and asks, "You want a waffle?"

Sonja doesn't say anything so Even takes it as a yes.

\---

**ISAK**

When he gets home from work, it's to find Emma standing in front of his door--

"Hi," Emma says, and she looks-- okay? Better than Isak feels in any case, he has no idea what's going on inside her head but she's here so that means--

Isak doesn't know what this means.

"Hey," he says, sounding absolutely breathless.

"I was-- I was thinking we should talk, you know."

"Oh," Isak says. _Talk._ Emma wants to talk. "Okay."

"I mean, I uh-- my reaction was..." Emma trails off, staring down to where she's wringing her hands. Her reaction was-- _what?_ Angry? Infuriated? Bordering on violent and completely fucking valid? "I just left," she says finally. "I didn't even-- I didn't listen."

_Jesus Christ._

"No, Emma, no, no," Isak takes a step forward and his hand lifts automatically to touch her--

Emma doesn't flinch or anything but Isak can read her well enough-- knows to drop his hand. What the fuck is he doing?

"You don't owe me an explanation," he says.

Emma scoffs, "Yeah, well, I'm not here to offer up any so-- I'm just," she runs a hand through her hair, clearly frustrated.

It feels like a really long time before she says, "Ten years, Isak, you and me-- for ten fucking years!"

And she's crying now and Isak feels like he might start as well but they're still standing in his hallway-- shit.

"Can I-- " he holds up the key and Emma glares and sniffles and looks generally heart broken and yeah-- Isak wants to find a really, really tall building to fling himself off of-- but first, this conversation. It's happening and whatever Emma's here for, hopefully Isak can give it to her. Fuck knows he owes her enough to try.

When they're inside, neither of them move to sit down. Isak throws his bag on the floor and his keys and phone on the counter and looks back to her.

"I tried to call," he says. He tried to call _a lot_ and Emma nods, "Yeah, I blocked your number."

"Oh--kay," Isak says.

"So you're gay," Emma says.

Isak blinks.

"You, my fiancee-- ex-fiancee I should say-- I mean, I did throw the ring in your face on Sunday..."

"Yeah," Isak says. He put the ring in his bedside table and hasn't looked at once in the last two days. But also, "Yes, I'm gay."

Emma nods again, and wipes at the tears on her face. Isak wishes he could touch her but at the same time he's a little relieved that he can't. It's fucking weird to feel like he can't.

"So I was-- what? Some sort of cover up?"

"No," Isak denies with as much vehemence as he can muster, the idea actually painful enough that he feels it like a physical ache. He can't imagine what Emma must be feeling. "Never, Emma, _Jesus,_ I swear it wasn't like that."

"But you knew," She says, "You told me you'd always suspected."

"I know," Isak says, "That's true but I-- I didn't-- "

_use you,_

"Didn't you?" She asks.

_Didn't he?_

Yes, Isak loves her and he couldn't fucking stand the idea of not being with her but--

He wasn't in love with her-- he'd never been capable of it.

"I'm sorry," Isak says, "I'm so fucking sorry that I hurt you, Emma."

"Yeah, I-- " Emma gives a sardonic laugh and more tears spill over her cheeks, "I don't forgive you-- _fuck,"_

Isak nods-- it hurts him, hearing those words, enough to free the painful sob lodged in his chest-- but what right does he have to ask for it anyway?

He's really lost her.

"Not-- _Isak,"_ Emma says his name, shaking and crying and Isak thinks, _fuck it,_ he's the one who hurt her and she hates him now but he can't just stand here and watch her be in pain. Emma hugs him back-- clings to him in a way that's completely unexpected-- and Isak holds her tighter, makes nonsense sushing sounds that mean absolutely nothing and tries to stop crying into her hair.

It's really hard to stop.

When Emma leaves-- half an hour later-- she says only two words.

They play inside Isak's head on repeat as he lies alone in his bed-- feeling like there's an open, bleeding wound somehwere on his body.

_Not yet,_ Emma said and it's so much more than Isak thought was possible.

***

"What the fuck?" Isak asks, blinking in the dark.

The knock comes again, loud insistent and demanding that he get his ass out of bed. Isak checks the time on his phone-- who the fuck would be knocking on his door at past two in the fucking morning?

Obviously there's only one way to find out--

"Who is it?" He asks, standing in front of the closed door.

Isak hears a muttered _fuck_ and then a moment later, "It's me," and immediately unlocks and opens the door.

"Even?" He asks, " What are you-- " Isak's words are cut off mid sentence as Even's lips press gently against his.


	21. Chapter 21

**ISAK**

_Cold._ Even, his-- hands on Isak's face and his nose against Isak's and his lips on Isak's lips. _Soft. Careful. Wonderful._

Not long after that Isak stops thinking of words to describe it-- instead he closes his eyes and let's it happen and for a few moments, his mind is wiped clean of _everything--_ everything except this.

It's really just a few moments before Even pulls back. Isak makes a sound he's never made in his life before-- he feels wrecked, torn apart and put together all simultaneously.

It couldn't have lasted more than five seconds, Isak realizes-- a kiss to say hello. Isak smiles.

"Hi," he says, arms lifting up, folding around Even, both palms coming to rest at the base of the taller man's neck. Even doesn't say anything-- just gives a harsh exhale that brushes against Isak's mouth and then another and this one falls against Isak's neck as Even leans down and buries his face there. _Cold,_ Isak thinks again, and knows that has nothing at all to do with the shiver that goes through his entire boy.

"Isak," Even says, in a tone that makes Isak's arms instinctively tighten, trying to pull him closer-- as if such a thing is possible. "Hello, Isak."

So they stand there for a while, Isak doesn't know how long, his door open and the two of them just inside the doorway-- as he pets Even's hair and tries to give him what he needs--

Not sure if it's comfort or love, a place to hide or simply Isak-- but it's all his anyway. All of that and everything else that Isak has to give. All of him belongs to Even.

***

Even's restless--

Isak tries to settle them down, first on his couch so they can talk if that's what Even wants. It doesn't seem to be so Isak attempts-- and does his best to keep a blush from forming on his cheeks and any hint of suggestion from his voice-- to get him to go to sleep on the bed. Even doesn't want that either.

Isak is confused-- until Even starts talking. He talks a lot-- with Isak trying to follow along but he can't, it's impossible to follow the threads of Even's rambling and it's more than upset, Isak realizes-- a spike of pure terror chilling his spine. He tries but can't shake it off but--

Isak smiles weakly.

He moves a little closer into Even's space and Even doesn't even seem to notice. It's okay, it wasn't for Even's comfort anyway-- even if Isak would do anything to provide him with that right now. He isn't sure how to. He's never really known how to handle anything like this but he thinks about what Eli said--

_Please. Keep him safe, Isak._

Not that long ago, Isak made a promise to a dying girl.

It's one he'd give his own life to keep.

***

It's scary and awful and brings back so many memories of things that Isak wishes he could forget about his past but his own conscience would never allow him to--

It's hours before Even exhausts himself and Isak leaves him, sleeping in his bed and gets up to make two phone calls.

He's a coward so he makes the easier one first.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Linda. How are you?"

"Good, Isak and you?"

Isak doesn't know-- hasn't really thought about it so far but he knows he'll have to or he could get all fucked up at the first available opportunity to do so. And that's not an option right now.

"I'm fine, Linda, listen... I'm sorry to do this but I have an emergency and I'm sorry but-- "

"Isak," Linda cuts him off, "... how much time do you need?"

Isak tries to think but his head is going at approximately a thousand kilometers per second and he honestly doesn't have any fucking answers right now.

"I don't-- fuck, I don't know, boss."

"Are you okay?" She asks, "Can I do anything?"

Isak shakes his head even though Linda can't see it. "No, I just need some time off, that's all."

"Is this about Emma?" Linda pries. It's what she does, after all. Right now Isak loves her for it but he doesn't know what to tell her besides, "No, no...not Emma."

Linda's quiet for a while-- before she says, "Okay, sweetheart, call me if you need anything, okay?"

"Okay," Isak says, "Thank you."

"No problem."

"Bye," Isak tells her and Linda tells him to keep well before hanging up.

Isak sits at his kitchen table and bites his thumbnail-- it's a nervous habit he didn't even know he had. He has to breathe for a long time because he keeps going over it again and again-- what the fuck he's supposed to say. He only knows he has to call her and make sure she knows that Even's safe.

He tries not to think about the fact that Sonja will probably come and fetch him and take him away. This isn't about Isak or his selfish wants and longings. Sonja knows Even better than anyone and knows what to do-- she's probably dealt with a hypomanic Even a million times.

With that in mind, Isak dials her number.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Sonja. This is Isak."

"Hi, Isak. I have your number saved, you know."

Isak did know that-- or well, assumed it at least. Anyway, that doesn't matter. "So Even came over last night. I just wanted you to know that he's here and he's safe."

Sonja hums. "Yes, he told me last night. Said you told him he could stay there for a few days to chill out-- " _Oh--kay..._ "So uh-- do you know that he's..."

"Yes," Isak says, "I just don't know if he's taking his medication right now and he wasn't exactly forthcoming."

"Listen Isak," Sonja sighs, "I know Even roped you into this and he can be very persuasive but you don't have to put up with this just because you feel bad for him about Eli."

Isak has to blink a few times-- to clear the red from his vision. _She's not being unreasonable,_ he tells himself. _Sonja's Even's wife and you don't have no right to be angry right now._

"Yeah, I know but um-- his medication?"

"He took his wallet so he has all his cards and ID-- you can go pick up a prescription for him."

"Okay," Isak says, letting out a relieved breath. "Thanks."

"Isak, you really don't have to put up with this."

"Even asked me if he could stay here for a while and I said yes," Isak lies. "And not because I felt obligated or sorry for him, Sonja."

It's a few seconds before Even's wife asks, _"Why_ then?"

"Because he's important to me," Isak says, suddenly giving less of a fuck than he did two minutes ago. It's not that bad. Even can still easily salvage the situation if Sonja goes and reads something into it. (Which she should because there's _a lot_ to read into.)

"I'm just worried about him," Sonja says, and Isak shifts uncomfortably. He can hear the truth in her words and they make him feel guilty. It makes him wonder if he can actually do this-- take care of Even the way he needs. Maybe he is better off with Sonja.

But Even came here.

He came to Isak and Isak isn't sending him away or letting someone-- not Sonja or anyone else-- take him away if it's where he wants to be right now. It makes Isak feel slightly less selfish about the situation but yeah-- only slighty.

"You know what, Isak? If you're up for it, I say, _go for it,_ just... I love him so much, Isak."

There's a painful knot that forms in his stomach and Isak tries to breathe though it.

"Please call me if he needs anything. Or if you need me to come get him."

"I will," Isak says-- and means it. If it's what Even wants or needs, Isak would call Sonja in a heartbeat. He knows that.

"Just...tell him to put his phone back on when he's ready."

"Yeah," Isak says.

"Okay."

"Okay, bye Sonja."

"Bye, Isak and thanks for doing this."

Isak closes his eyes, "Yeah, no problem," he says and hangs up immediately. He buries his face in his hands and just... sits there. For a long time.

He feels like the worst person in the world but-- it's not that bad, is it? What he's doing?

Even came here for a reason and yes, okay, he kissed Isak but it was almost... it felt _innocent_ really and yes, it made Isak's heart race like mad in his chest and he basically swooned in Even's arms but to be real, Even's having a manic episode-- people do shit they wouldn't normally do when they're manic-- Isak isn't going to read into it so it doesn't matter. For some reason, Even lied to his wife and came here and Isak's going to ask him what that reason is... _eventually._

Right now he's going to get up from this chair and see what he has in his fridge that he can make for when Even wakes up.

***

Isak's fridge is disgustingly empty so he puts a couple of cheese sandwiches into the oven and resolves to go shopping for groceries.

Even only sleeps for three hours but that's to be expected. He sits up in bed and searches the room, looking confused like he doesn't have a clue where he is. When he sees Isak sitting at the table, he immediately relaxes and grins. Isak smiles back.

"Hey," Even says, sounding almost shy. "What time is it?"

"Just gone past seventeen," Isak tells him. "I made you a cheese sandwich."

Even pulls a face but nods his head. "Need to pee fist."

"Okay," Isak says and tries not to find him completely adorable. Quick, guess how well that works out.

When Even comes back, he tries to go for the coffee that Isak made and has been drinking on and off for the last couple of hours to keep from getting tired.

"Don't think so, buddy," Isak says, removing the cup from his hand and shoving Even away from the coffee machine with the side of his body. Even moves easily but gives Isak a look that can only be described as bitch face. "It's not good for you," Isak points out.

"Oh, and you're going to tell me what's good for me?"

"Of course," Isak says, sounding more confident than he actually feels. "Now sit down and eat and I'll find some of the decaf I know I have somewhere."

Even sighs but sits down.

Isak finds the instant coffee behind some cans of tuna that have probably been in his cupboard since he moved into this place and declares, "Success!" He looks back at Even, grinning, only to find the man sitting perfectly still, a chewed into slice of bread in his hand.

"Even?"

"How-- " Even clears his throat. "What did you mean _it's not good for me_?"

Shit.

Well... okay. This doesn't have to be a big deal. Even was going to find out that Isak knows he's bipolar soon enough when they went to the pharmacy to get his medication anyway so...

Might as well get it out of the way.

"You were kind of bouncing off the walls earlier," Isak says-- Even winches. _Not good, Isak. You could have phrased that better._ "I mean you seem pretty chill now but we should probably go and pick up your meds, you know. Precautionary measures are super important." Isak is an idiot. He should stop taking. He's fucking this up. "Anyway, I know you're bipolar-- your sister told me."

Even turns so fast that the chair he's sitting in scrapes against the floor, loud enough to hurt Isak's ears. He stares at Isak with shiny, wide eyes. _"What?"_

"She said you'd never tell me and that she felt I should know. I'm sorry. I didn't want to hear it coming from someone besides you but what was I going to do, you know? Not that I'm blaming Eli but um..."

"That's what you talked about?" Even asks, voice soft and shaking.

Isak nods. That and a few other things but he doesn't think Even needs to know about those just yet. If ever. Isak doesn't fucking know.

"You've known all this time and...you don't...care?"

"Of course I care, idiot," and Isak sees how Even takes that the completely wrong way so he rushes to add, "I care about you and everything about you. And you being bipolar doesn't make me care any less." Probably nothing could at this point but again-- Even doesn't need to know that just yet. If ever.

"Why?" Even swallows thickly, "Why did she tell you?"

"Like I said... she said you wouldn't and-- you know-- extreme emotions can cause episodes so..."

"Yes," Even says, "... but why tell _you_?"

Isak tries not to be hurt by that-- tries very, very hard.

"I don't know, Even, I think she thought I was important to you or something," Isak turns around to make Even's coffee and also, because he doesn't want to see Even's face right now.

When the decaffeinated coffee is done, Isak puts it down in front of him and joins Even at the table.

"Eat," he orders.

Even nods his head.

He tries and it's moderately successful-- Isak can see how hard it is right now for him to be _still._

When it looks like Even's about to break something, Isak gets up and heads for his coat rack. He takes off his and Even's and grabs his shoes.

"Let's go for a walk," he says.

"A walk?"

"Hmm... wherever you want as long as we stop by the pharmacy and grocery store at some point tonight."

Even gives him a long look before he nods and says, "Okay."

"Okay," Isak echoes. "Let's do this."


	22. Chapter 22

**ISAK**

"I wasn't going to do it for Sonja but I'll do it for you because I love you a lot more."

Even says this and takes the pills held out for him-- blissfully unaware of the way they're shaking in Isak's hand.

Isak watches as Even swallows them down before giving him small smile, seemingly pleased with himself--

Isak isn't sure if there's point in attempting to reason with an Even who's this far gone-- but he still can't keep from saying, "You should take them for _you,_ Even. Not for me or Sonja."

Even gives a huge, put upon and disappointed sigh-- like Isak just _doesn't understand_ and he can admit that no, he doesn't. He understands very little and it took him almost twenty minutes to realize yesterday-- that the reason Even kept walking them in the opposite direction of Isak's apartment was because he thought someone was spying on them and trying to following them home.

It took everything Isak had and more to convince him that they could come back, that they would be safe here but eventually he managed and Even took his meds and he's taking them again now, for the second time. That's good, it's great even and-- yes, it's frightening as hell to see Even display these behaviors and Isak-- who has literally made it his life's work helping people navigate life or death-- is scared as shit of fucking this up. It's all he wants, all he cares about right now-- he just wants to take care of Even and he doesn't think he's doing too bad of a job so far...

Now if he can just keep doing _that_ while simultaneously managing to not let all of this completely and irrevocably fuck _him_ up-- yeah, that would be great. Because Even's _fine,_ Isak keeps reminding himself. Even's safe and taking his meds again and that's all that matters--

The fact that he keeps _saying things_ that he doesn't mean-- it's not like he can help it, it's not his fault and it's not anything he's doing intentionally just to hurt or humiliate Isak.

"Even," Isak cuts him off mid speech about how much he wants Isak to suck his dick for him _(Jesus Christ)_

"... that's enough now, buddy, don't you think?"

Even slouches even further back onto the arm rest of the couch, his sock clad toes flexing where he's buried them underneath Isak's thigh. Even gives him an amused look, " _"Buddy?_ he asks, "Did you just seriously call me that?"

"What's wrong with that?" Isak frowns, latching on to this thread of conversation before it has a chance to circle back to how much Even apparently wants to fuck him into his mattress.

"It's a bit condecending, don't you think?" Even says, "Not to mention the fact that you're trying to make this-- " he points between Isak and himself, "--seem as platonic as possible."

Isak rolls his eyes, "I'm just trying to get you to stop talking about dicks, man. I would love it if you could look me in the eye when you're back to giving a shit about anything."

"Of course I give a shit," Even says, sounding offended. "You, for example, are the thing I give the most shits about in the whole world."

"Okay," Isak nods his head, "Thank you for saying that."

"You don't believe me," Even pouts.

Oh, for fuck's sake. "Even, you're _manic."_

"Oh, am I?" Even asks, with a small smirk. "Didn't notice."

"Asshole," Isak says, pinching the strip of skin on display between Even's _(Isak's)_ sock and his _(Isak's)_ sweatpants. Even squirms and swats his hand away.

When it looks like Even might return to his R-rated tangent, Isak pipes up, "You should probably go to sleep now, okay? We're trying to get back to some semblance of regularity."

"You're joining me right?" Even flirts and Isak _hates his life._

"Yeah, but no funny business, okay?"

"You're so fucking cute, Isak," and it isn't fair, the way Even's eyes crease in the corners when he smiles like that.

"God, I hate you so much," Isak tells him and gets off the couch to go use the bathroom.

Even's laugh follows the short distance after him.

***

In retrospect, Isak should have expected this.

Well, he kind of did-- he'd at least sort of, maybe anticipated it. It was for sure a definite possibility and one Isak didn't know how he would begin to handle if it did, in fact, happen to occur. Maybe he should have thought about it a little more--

Because right now he doesn't have a clue how to handle waking up to-- Even's warmth plastered all along his side...and sounds-- slick sounds, of what can only be Even touching himself. And the pure filth that's being whispered in his ear.

_Jesus fucking Christ._

_Yeah, this bad touch shit is definitely not okay behavior, what the fuck, Even?_ goes one part of Isak's mind.

Then there's another panicking because, _This is so fucking bad, Even's going to hate me so much when he's himself again._

Of course there's also a traitorous, asshole part of Isak's brain that's currently drowning in dopamine in response to Even's whispered promise to, "...fuck you so good, baby, you'll never need anyone else in your bed again."

Isak's moan is completely helpless, powerless to what he's feeling-- aroused and afraid and confused all at the same time-- the need to just _come_ as overwhelming as the need to get _away._

_Two birds, one stone,_ Isak decides, moving to extract himself from Even-- ignoring the displeased moan he earns in response-- as he gets up from the bed and heads for the bathroom.

Isak sways on his feet a little bit, after, and has to hold himself up with a hand against the wall. He feels good, is the thing-- hasn't had an orgasm that fucking intense since...well. _Since._ Guilt will flood him later, Isak knows. He should probably mentally prepare for the self hatred he's about to get bowled over by but right now he's too exhausted to care that much. He washes his hands and his face and with a sigh, leaves the bathroom.

He finds Even asleep, face buried in Isak's pillow and come soaked hand still half inside his _(Isak's)_ sweatpants.

He's a fucking mess, is the thing-- a complicated, grief stricken, mentally ill, _married,_ mess of a person.

Isak didn't even know it was possible to love someone this much.

"I want to steal you away," he confesses to a sleeping Even. "I'm the fucking worst."

***

He isn't sure how much Even remembers about last night or how much that has to do with the way he's silent and still and refuses to leave Isak's bed or even look at him at all.

Half the day passes with Isak feeling more and more inept and ultimately he has to ask, he promised himself that he would--

"Should I call Sonja?"

Even blinks at him, more acknowledgment than he's given Isak in very long hours.

"Do you want me to go?" He asks, voice injured from disuse.

"Never," Isak promises. "I just want you to be okay."

Even sighs, staring mostly vacant eyes at Isak's ceiling. It's a long time before he says, "I'm sorry I dragged you into this."

"You didn't," Isak tells him. It's not true, probably. He came over here without even asking if it was okay but it's not like Isak cares about that shit.

"It's not your problem," Even tells him. "I'm not your problem-- none of this is."

"Even, look at me."

He doesn't so Isak insists again, "Look at me, you asshole."

Even swallows-- and when he does turn his eyes to Isak, he looks like he expects to be thrown out at any second. How clueless can one person be?

Isak really ought to clear up some shit.

"There are...so many reasons I shouldn't say this, you know. And they're all pretty fucking valid and I know I'll feel like shit about doing this but it doesn't matter to me right now-- or it _does_ but it's really hard, Even. There are a thousand things I want to tell you and I feel like I'm dying every second that you don't know them."

He can do this, Isak tells himself. He's afraid but he _can_ still do this.

"I want you _here,_ okay?" He says, and that's an easy enough confession. The next one is a little harder, "I don't want you to fucking go back to Sonja."

Isak sighs, "...except if that's what you need right now, I wouldn't hesitate for a fucking second to get you to her. But God, I don't want you to go back to her and I-- fuck, Even, I hate myself, I really do-- "

Fuck it, Isak thinks.

"...but _you,_ Even. You, I love, more than anything."

There. He's said it. It's done now.

"So please just-- _try_ to help me here because I don't know what I'm fucking doing."

And Isak has to work really hard to keep from crying right now-- the lack of reaction from Even, his expressionless face, not helping matters at all. He kind of wants to crawl into a hole and die and maybe he can do that later, after he's driven Even back to the safety and protection of his wife and-- only _then_ can Isak allow himself to fall apart in all the ways he wants to.

Because he's told Even the truth and Even isn't saying _anything._

But then he takes this really huge breath-- like it's taking everything inside of him to say or do whatever he wants to say or do.

Isak waits.

He waits for a while-- but not for nothing.

"I want to stay here with you," Even says, and Isak does cry then but just a little bit. "Can we do that?"

"Yes," Isak tells him. "We can do that."


	23. Chapter 23

**EVEN**

Waking up in a stranger's bed-- naked and alone-- seriously, not a good look on anyone and not something that Even's particularly fond of. He'd like to say this is the first and only time this has happened to him but yeah-- his life, unfortunately, is a stream of questionable decisions and regrettable behaviors.

_This_ though-- not even Liam's glares and muttered disparages on Even's name, family and every decendent he'll ever have is enough to make Even regret _this._

He apologises to his friend one more time for fucking in what's apparently his little brother's bed _(jikes!)_ and when Liam says, "Thanks for helping me clean up before my family gets home, asshole," Even figures he's been at least marginally forgiven for last night's indiscretions.

He heads home feeling pretty good about things because last night was--

Even doesn't even _know_ what last night was and when he thinks about it, tries to attempt making sense of what happened, he's hit with a rush of arousal so _intense_ he finds himself in real danger of getting a hard on the tram. So he mentally tells his dick to calm the fuck down (at least until he's back at home in the privacy of his bedroom).

"You're in a good mood," Eli observes as Even's heading past where she's sitting at the kitchen counter eating whatever vegan crap she deems a healthy breakfast and--- oddly enough-- Even has to concentrate really hard not to blush crimson red. It's weird. He doesn't get like this, not _ever._ It's pretty difficult to have a strong sense of shame and the good sense to be embarrassed when pretty much every single member of your family has been a reluctant witness to your mental disorder and it's fucked up consequences. But with _this_ he's actually shy-- go figure. "Did you have fun last night?" Eli asks, her tone even and easy-- it's just a simple inquiry. _She can't read your mind, Even,_ he reminds himself (for a while there, she'd convinced him that she could when they were kids because Even's sister is, in a word, _diabolical_ ) and he nods his head and says, "Yeah, was a pretty good time."

"You didn't get up to any trouble, right?"

"Nah," Even tells her, knowing she means _did you get drunk, high, have unprotected sex or otherwise endanger your safety_ and yeah, for a change, Even did absolutely none of that-- not that he makes a habit of having unprotected sex because knocking Sonja up when they were sixteen was some seriously scary shit-- _thank the God the Even doesn't believe in_ that his sweetheart was decidedly pro-choice.

"You okay?" Eli asks, eyes narrowing slightly at him. "You're a bit..."

"Hmm?" Even tries to look as inconspicuous as possible, "I'm a bit _what_?"

"You're fidgety," Eli says, "You can't even stand still, Even, are you feeling okay?"

_Christ._ "Yes, Eli, I'm fucking fine, Jesus, I'm not going into a fucking episode!"

"Even," Eli says, her voice doing that stern _I'm not taking any of your shit_ thing that Even fucking hates. "You're hyperactive and irritable."

"Maybe that's because you're fucking irritating me!"

The look Eli gives him says it all.

Of course she's right-- as fucking always. _God._ Even hates his own transparency.

He knows it's easier for everyone when they catch the signs early enough-- it gives them time to be proactive and remove his triggers (and his credit card, _shit_ ) but it's also a lot worse-- a bit like watching a car spiraling out of control, heading straight towards a pedestrian and being unable to do a fucking thing about it. He hates losing himself to mania but almost just as much, Even hates being painfully aware of it happening only for that awareness to completely disappear in an instant.

So it's more than a week before he comes out of it enough that his parents (and Eli) decide it's cool for him to go back to school. Even's fucking _nervous._

He's obviously wanted to see Isak-- even cried about it a few times (okay, maybe a lot of times) when he wasn't humping his pillow, his mania induced hypersexuality deciding to plague him day and night with thoughts of Isak's skin and his pale thighs and the way his come tasted on Even's tongue. He's been a _wreck_ and one that Eli's been judging a lot--

"That poor boy," she told Even this morning, shaking her head at him-- Even just bared his teeth at her and reminded himself that she still doesn't know that _he_ knows exactly how good it feels to be inside of Isak Valtersen (which is to say, _so fucking good, Jesus Christ_ )

_Holy shit,_ Even is nervous.

Isak is standing by his locker, yanking on the lock, swearing at it probably, and Even's standing by the doorway _staring_ like a total fucking creep. He still feels a little bit frayed around the edges but it's like impossible for him to put off talking to Isak. He's been (quite literally) going out of his mind about it for days.

"Man the fuck up, Even," he says to himself before giving himself a bit of shake and doing it-- he's doing it. He's walking up to Isak. He can do this.

"Hello," he says, and-- winches at the way Isak completely startles at the sound of his voice, shoulders going tense. Isak turns to him with wide eyes, face pale, like he's looking at a fucking ghost. _Not good,_ Even hears inside his head.

"Hi," Isak says-- before looking around them, "Um-- what do you-- what do you want?"

"I just wanted to come say hi," Even says and Isak frowns at him.

_"Why?"_

Even's so confused right now. "What do you mean _why_?"

"I just mean I don't know you, dude, why the fuck are you coming up to me?"

Even blinks. "Are you-- are you fucking serious right now, Isak?"

"How the fuck do you know my name?"

Even feels like he's in the fucking twilight zone or something. "Of course I know your name-- we-- "

"Shut up!" Isak cuts him off, once again looking around them, this time clearly panicked. _Shit._ Even is so fucking lost right now. "Not here!" isak hisses.

"Okay, where then?" Even asks, feeling as desperate as he does pissed off--

"Meet me in the gym locker room in an hour, fuck, I'm so fucking late to class-- " he says, before turning around and heading off down the hallway.

"What the fuck?" Asks Even to no one in particular.

_"What the fuck?"_ asks Isak, roughly an hour later. "You can't just come up to me like that-- people could see."

Even rolls his eyes, "Yeah, Isak, I'm sure they'll see us talking to each other and immediately take a guess at all the butt sex we had a week ago."

Isak flushes immediately and it's as much from embarrassment as it is anger apparently. "Fuck you, man."

"No," Even shakes his head, "Shit, I didn't mean to be so crass about it, I'm sorry."

"Whatever, I don't give a shit," Isak tells him. "Just leave me the fuck alone."

"I'm sorry," Even says again, "I didn't-- "

"Dude-- what don't you _get_? It was a fucking mistake okay? Not one I'm looking to repeat again."

"A mistake," Even echoes, kind of not recognizing the sound of his own voice. He's had depressive episodes where he's sounded less like a hollow shell of a person.

"Yes," Isak says, "It was an okay time but can we just fucking forget it ever happened, dude?"

"Dude," Even nods his head. "Do you even know my fucking name?"

Isak squares his jaw, "No actually," he says. It's not a lie.

_Wow._ New low-- Even's never actually fucked someone who didn't know his name before.

Isak's face softens a little bit. "I'm sorry, okay? But like-- just leave me alone."

Even nods and Isak takes that as his cue to leave.

Even feels afraid of what he might do right now so, with a trembling hand, he reaches to take out his phone from his jacket pocket.

Eli answers on the third ring.

"Eli," Even says.

"Oh shit, oh shit, what happened? Even?"

"Nothing," he clears his throat. "It's nothing."

"You're crying."

Oh. Even didn't realize but yeah-- makes sense.

He rambles some stuff that doesn't make much sense, even to him but it's fine anyway, he just needs her to come get him so Even asks, "Can you come pick me up?"

"Already on my way," Eli tells him, "...hold on okay, Even? It'll be okay."

"Yeah," Even says--

Eli's on her way.

So _yeah,_ it'll be okay.

***

"Tell me something," he says to Isak.

It's Eli's favorite thing to say but Even doesn't share that with him.

_Tell me something,_ she'd say, when it was clear that Even's thoughts were racing-- sounding so loud and weighing heavy inside of his mind-- and he'd feel completely trapped, alone in there.

_You're never alone, Even._

"Like what?" Isak asks.

_Where's Emma?_

No-- not that.

"Do you have any siblings?" Even asks-- and waits it out as Isak blinks at him in surprise.

"No," Isak says, "You're looking at an only child."

"Lonely," Even says and Isak looks away for a second--

"Little bit," he says, when he looks back.

"Okay," Isak nods his head and shifts closer on the bed and Even doesn't bother hesitating before he lifts his arm and puts it around him. Isak _does_ but it's just for a second-- before his body loses most of his tension. If Even concentrates he can feel it against his chest-- how fast Isak's heart is beating inside his own.

It's impossible for Even to feel alone like this.

"I'll tell you something," Isak says.

So he does--

Isak _talks_ and it's not about anything important except in the way where everything that Isak says and does feels important to Even. It's more words than he's ever heard him say-- as Isak muses about oil prices and Tarantino, how stupid of a sport kricket is and the scale of the universe and how it's ridiculous that there still aren't enough female characters in video games and how the ones there are seem overly sexualised-- and Even smiles because he didn't know Isak was a feminist but he probably should have figured.

Isak smiles back and tells Even, "I like it when you smile."

Even knows it's not a lie.

Even _aches_ and it's deep and painful and for a million different reasons but also because-- Even might be biased here but-- he thinks that Isak might be the most loveliest person to ever exist in the world and--

How much was this poor boy hurting all those years ago-- to be able to hurt Even so bad?

"I was so in love with you," Even tells him and feels how Isak's heart starts racing again.

"Yeah?" He questions, softly.

"Yeah," Even says.

Isak raises his head, shifting back slightly. "Do you want to hear how sorry I am for everything that happened back then?"

"No," Even says-- because he really doesn't.

Isak bites his lip and seems to think very hard for a moment.

"Even?" He says.

"Hmm?"

"I thought-- I thought that my mom was homophobic, you know, but I don't-- I don't think she really was."

Well shit--

Isak asks, "How are you feeling?" Before Even can think of what the fuck to say to that.

The urge to say he's fine is right there-- the words on the tip of Even's tongue.

But he's not fine-- and Eli isn't coming to make it okay again.

"I think the depression's lifting a little bit."

"Yeah?"

"Yes," Even says. "Isak..."

"Yeah?"

_I have to go._

"Where's Emma?"

"Oh," Isak says, sitting up. "About that..."

Even tries to wait him out but a minute passes, then another one--

"Isak?"

"Don't think I did it for you," Isak says, not looking anywhere close to Even's eyes, "...or anything like that because I didn't okay? It wasn't like that. You're married, I know that. I'm really not trying to fuck shit up even more for you so that's not-- "

_"Isak."_

Isak chews on his bottom lip-- the action would have been distracting if he didn't look so freaking terrified.

"Emma and I broke up," he says in a rush, "...and I told her I'm gay. I'm sorry."

Even gapes. "What?"

"I just-- I couldn't marry her, okay? It wasn't _right,_ Even."

_What in the hell--_

"Isak, why are you apologizing right now? Shit. Oh, shit. Are you _okay?"_

"No," Isak says-- shit. Isak's crying. Shit.

"Come here," Even tells him, pulling him back and Isak comes willingly, burying his face in Even's (well... _Isak's_ ) hoodie--

He mumbles, "She hates me now, you don't understand, Even. She's like my favorite person."

_"Really?"_ Shit. Even didn't mean to sound so surprised or sarcastic.

Isak raises his head to glare at him. He's got tears stuck in his lashes and his nose is a blotchy red. Even would give him all the fucking stars in the sky if he could.

_"Yes,_ okay. You don't know her like I know her."

"Obviously," Even says-- he isn't sure if it's his jealousy or hypomania making him act like such an asshole. Isak makes a disgusted sound and buries his face back against Even's chest--

He gives a reluctant sigh when Even strokes his hair.

"I love you, you know," Even tells him after a while.

Isak sighs again-- and says, "Same."

Even smirks. "So do I get to kiss you now and stuff?"

Isak snorts against his chest, "I'm gonna say this once, man, but you have to listen; I'm not trying to be anybody's side chick."

"So...you're saying I should leave my wife for you?"

"Oh my God," Isak groans, raising himself from Even's chest. "I can't even talk to you."

"Sorry," Even says-- not sure exactly what he's apologizing for. He has a feeling he's been an asshole again but God only knows how.

"I can't believe anything you say," Isak tells him, sounding like he's said that _a lot_ lately. Even can remember one or two times.

Isak looks so fucking sad.

"Sorry," Even says again.

Isak just rolls his eyes.

Before he leans in and--

Kisses Even's cheek.

"There," he says, when he pulls back, looking astonishingly pleased with himself.

"I love you so fucking much," goes Even's stupid mouth.

Isak hits him in the face with a pillow.


	24. Chapter 24

**ISAK**

They're hiding and that's all it is--

Every time Even moves too close to him and their sides brush. When Even smiles at him. When they laugh together. When they fall asleep next to each other like they have any right to do so.

It means _so much_ but it feels so empty. It makes Isak feel empty.

"I really need go," Even tells him, as they're sitting next to each other on the couch.

And Isak knew this was coming--

Even switched his phone on this morning and then he went outside to call Sonja and they spoke for almost an hour.

Then he came back in and sat next to Isak and reached for him, practically pulling him into his lap. Isak tried to resist but it was such a fucking half hearted effort. It took seconds for him to relax into Even, Isak's arms folding around his neck, his face buried in his chest. Isak closed his eyes, thought, _you're leaving me_ and held on even tighter.

This is for the best probably.

It doesn't feel that way, doesn't feel _right_ at all but-- it is what it is.

"Okay," he says to Even.

"I don't mean for it to make you sad."

Isak _is_ sad and he knows as soon as Even walks out of his apartment to go back to her, he's going to fall spectacularly apart. It's going to be ugly but-- he did this to himself.

Still, this isn't just _his_ mess and Even said--

Even told him he loved him.

A part of Isak believes him-- can't help but believe him. But not all of him. That's impossible when Even's never once given him a single promise-- even when he was manic and saying all kinds of things. He never said, "I'm going to leave her." Isak probably shouldn't ask but he can't _not_ ask.

"What did this mean then, Even?"

It doesn't bode well when Even can't look at him. Opens his mouth to answer but can't seem to come up with one. Fuck. Isak sucks in a breath and tells himself to let it be.

He tries-- but no. _No._

"I just want to know where your head is at, that's all."

Even gives a laugh that's half hysterical and when he looks at Isak his eyes are wet. He's all kinds of fucked up-- not in the way he's been since he showed up at Isak's door five days ago. But yeah.

"I don't know where my head is at, Isak."

"You said-- "

_You said you love me._

Isak can't bring himself to say it. He feels lost, defeated. He feels like there's no point. No reason to hope. Even's giving him nothing after taking everything that Isak has.

It isn't fair and it should make Isak angry probably.

But Even lost his sister, right? And Sonja lost her too and Even can't just abandon her or whatever and they mean a lot to each other, like, they're fucking _married_ and Even probably loves her too even though he betrayed her with Isak over and over again for days.

"I know what I said," Even says-- just that. Acknowledgement of what he did but-- no reaffirmation. God, he really isn't giving Isak _anything._

Isak should probably feel like an idiot but the thing is-- he never expected anything from Even to begin with. It's okay. Like, it's not _okay_ okay but as long as Even is-- as long as--

Jesus. Fuck. Isak loves him so fucking much.

"I need some time to figure it out, I guess."

_Make a decision,_ Isak hears and for the first time there sparks a bit of anger inside of him. Not too much because knows he has no right to it-- but yeah. Isak's no fucking saint, okay? And Even's talking like this is just something for him to make his mind up about. Like Isak's a fucking sure thing.

_Aren't you?_

"You're not in love with her," Isak says. He knows it's true. It _has_ to be or none of this makes any fucking sense.

Even shakes his head but Isak doesn't know if he's answering the question with a _no_ or denying what Isak said.

Then Even says, "It's _Sonja,"_ like that's suppose to mean something to Isak. It doesn't really. And he isn't in the mood to try and understand it either. He's just tired. He wants to be alone and cry already.

He doesn't want Even to leave but he sort of _needs_ him to.

This hurts too fucking much.

"So go then," he says-- getting up from the couch because if he keeps looking at Even, his breakdown won't be delayed. Isak paces-- runs a hand through his hair. Tries to keep his breathing steady. Even gets up too.

He looks at Isak like he wants to say something.

Isak waits.

Even says, "Thank you for um-- for everything. I don't deserve-- "

"You're welcome," Isak cuts off his bullshit.

Even doesn't get to say he doesn't deserve it. It feels too much like invalidation and this fucking week, right?

This fucking week was everything to Isak, okay? It was just pretend but--

But Even doesn't get to take this away from him. It belongs to Isak. It's _his_ even though Even isn't.

"I mean it, Even. You're welcome and-- if you need me, I'm here."

Even seems to be at a loss for words again. So Isak continues talking.

"Anyway-- call me when you get there and uh-- yeah, just. I just wanna know you're safe, that's all. So yeah. That's um-- that's it, I guess."

Even nods. "So I'm-- I'm going to go now, okay?"

"Okay."

So he leaves.

And Isak's finally free to fall apart--

Except he doesn't.

There's no dramatic sobbing or anything like that-- he feels oddly numb. To all of it. He's really fucking grateful for it actually.

So Isak calls Linda and tells her he'll be at work tomorrow.

Then he crawls into his bed, alone, and lies there, and Even texts him just over an hour later.

00:45  
 **I'm home. Thanks again for everything.**

Home.

_Home._

Isak still doesn't cry.

***

It's his first day back after an abrupt and unexpected absence so Isak doesn't have anything exciting coming up all day, no surgeries sheduled except for one c-section in the afternoon, after which he's free to do a few simple consults. Just check-ups and sonograms. Shit that he could make his interns do but fuck it, Isak's done enough slacking

He gets out of surgery at around fifteen and goes to the nurses station to pick up the patient file for his next consult--

Maybe he's still a little bit spaced out about everything because he doesn't really look at it until he walks into the room and says, "Hello, Mrs-- " and stops dead in his tracks, his entire body going cold with shock.

Sonja laughs--

Most likely at the look on his face.

"Hi, doctor Valtersen," she says, with a radiant smile. "So guess who's in need of your expertise."


	25. Chapter 25

**ISAK**

There's a tiny part of Isak that's like, _no, this isn't happening,_ but no, _of course_ it is because this is Isak's life and this is Even and Sonja's and they're together-- they're married-- and Isak should probably be happy that he didn't _actually_ ruin their lives the way he did Emma's so, yeah, this real, this is--

This is his job.

So Isak does it-- with a fucking smile and everything and he's able to do so because he isn't thinking of Even--

He isn't thinking of waking up next to him or how much he wants that for the rest of his life. He isn't thinking about the way his touch lingers on him, sending spikes of heat and warmth and comfort through his body. He isn't thinking about how much he wants that touch _everywhere_ on his body. He isn't thinking about the few seconds kiss that sent his heart racing like it never has for anyone else. Like it never _will_ for anyone else. He isn't thinking about loving someone to the point where it's impossible for you to imagine a bigger priority than their happiness and well-being.

Or maybe he is thinking about that last thing but definitely not about any of the other stuff when he looks at the monochromatic display in front of him and confirms, in a voice that's as steady as he can manage to make it, "So you're at nine weeks."

Isak gives himself a few seconds before looking back at Sonja-- just needs it to prepare for what he'll find when he does. The nerves and joy and excitement that's too much for _Isak_ but an endearing and familiar sight for _Doctor Valtersen._

That's not what he finds when he _does_ look at her. Instead he finds confusion, he finds shock and-- _fear_ before she masks it in the next moment, doing a pretty good job of imitating all of the things that Isak would have expected at the prospect of carrying Even's child.

As good as Sonja's performance is, her voice is still a little shaky when she asks, "Nine? Are you-- you're sure?"

Isak just looks at her, trying to keep his jaw from dropping to the floor.

"Okay," Sonja nods her head, "... yeah. Nine. That makes sense," she smiles and it's just as fake as Isak's.

He goes through the rest of the motions with his usual professional demeanor-- gives her guidelines on prenatal care, advising vitamins and agreeing on a follow up-- Isak wonders if Sonja even hears him through her disguised panic.

"Isak," she says, after he's managed to give her a polite goodbye, "...wait. I mean. This is kind of weird, isn't it?"

_Which part?_ Isak wants to ask.

"You've been all..." Sonja waves a hand in his direction, "... professional and stuff. Not like..."

"Like I'm happy for you?" Isak finishes for her, when she just trails off.

Sonja bites her lip and nods.

"It's not that," Isak lies. "It's expected to have professional distance, even when treating friends and family, you know."

"Oh," Sonja says, "Should I not have-- I mean. I can find another obstetrician?"

_Why the fuck would you even come to me in the first place?_

"There's no need for that if you're comfortable with me being your doctor," Isak tells her.

_Please just fucking go somewhere else._

"I'll think about it," Sonja says.

Isak smiles at her and turns around--

"Isak?"

\--and around again.

"Hmm?"

"Please don't tell Even...I don't want him to know just yet."

Isak takes a deep breath. He knows his lines for this-- there's only one answer he could possibly give in this situation.

"I would never betray patient privilege, Sonja," he says.

"Not about...any of it?"

She's being so fucking obvious, _Christ._ Isak wants to slap her-- for a lot of reasons. But mostly because she's being so fucking _obvious._

But he's not going to do that, obviously.

So he tries to keep any and all emotion out of his voice, keep his anger and assumptions from seeping into his tone and his fucking head from exploding and tells her, "No, Sonja. Patient privilege extends to any and all information about your pregnancy."

Like how far along it is, for example.

Her relief is fucking palpable.

_Fucking hell._

Isak _really_ needs to get the fuck out of here and get drunk and tell himself, over and over again, that he's wrong-- he's making clueless assumptions based on his own fucking bias and he's seeing what he wants to see and it's nothing more than that because otherwise he's going to completely and totally lose his fucking shit, okay?

How the fuck is this worse than knowing the man you love got someone else pregnant?

Isak doesn't fucking know-- but, _Christ_ it _is._

"Thank you, Isak," Sonja says--

Isak wants to throw up.

"Yeah."

\---

**EVEN**

It feels like a lifetime ago but it was really just a few weeks back-- when Even was sitting in the passenger seat of Isak's car, outside of Isak's fiancee's house, and was asked, by a beautiful, tipsy Isak, "...it's not going to be _a thing_ we have to do all the time, right? Lying about being together?"

Even knew with how much innocence Isak meant that question-- knew that Isak wasn't asking if he wanted an affair or if he wanted to be open and honest about his feelings for him. But Even - because he was head over heels for the guy - heard that question anyway. And he'd known the answer even then--

Even before his whole world fell apart and Isak, for some reason, seemed willing to go to any lengths to try and piece it back together.

Even before Isak told him what that reason is.

Isak's said the words only once-- implied it a bunch of times and showed Even the truth of it at every fucking second during the last week.

Isak loved him.

And Even loved him back.

It's as simple and complicated and miraculous as that. They love each other. And Even isn't going to lie about it to anyone-- not anymore.

He hadn't told Isak that. Didn't tell him that he was going to tell Sonja about them-- tear up his marriage, his sure thing for so many years-- for just a _chance_ to have something real with Isak, for however long that lasts.

He didn't tell Isak that's what he decided because it's not something that Isak should know before Sonja does. After everything-- everything she's given him and all the ways she's loved him-- all the ways he's loved her. He thinks she deserves at least that. To be the first to know that he doesn't want what they have anymore. That he's leaving. She deserves a lot more but that's really all that Even can give her. The rest of him belongs to someone else now.

He'd driven from Isak's place last night with the vague idea that he'd walk into his house, find Sonja and immediately tell her the truth. Instead he found her asleep in their bed and this morning after he woke up in one of the guests rooms, he looked around the house for her but found she wasn't there. _Seeing clients all day,_ she'd texted him back when he asked where she disappeared to.

So Even took the day as an opportunity to get a start on sorting out some of Eli's affairs, things he should have probably done by now but didn't.

He also contemplates whether or not he should pack a bag so that it's ready for him to take it and go when Sonja proceeds to kick him out-- but decides against it.

Then he cooks dinner and waits.

Sonja comes home and finds him in the kitchen around nineteen, looking tired and ashen. For a moment Even entertains the idea of putting this off but-- yeah, no. He isn't going to do that.

"You made food," Sonja says, walking closer towards him. Even tenses.

"Yeah. Just some pasta," he says.

"That's nice," Sonja kisses his cheek and Even fliches. She notices, quirks an eyebrow at him.

"Can we-- uh. Let's eat, okay?"

Sonja frowns, "What's going on?" She asks.

"Maybe we should have dinner first," Even says, trying not to fidget.

"Maybe you should tell me what the hell is up with you."

Even opens up his mouth-- and closes it again.

"Jesus, Even. What is it?"

"I'm leaving you," he says. "I want a divorce."

Sonja gapes at him for eleven seconds, Even counts them. Then she snaps her mouth shut and looks fucking _incensed._

She yells a lot, demanding explanations and calling Even every bad thing she can think of before he can actually manage to give her one.

When he thinks she's calmed down enough, he opens his mouth to tell her the full story-- tell her about Isak---

Again, before he can get a word out, Sonja says, "No."

Even exhales, "Sonja-- "

"No," she shakes her head. "...you've just come off a fucking manic episode, Even, you're not-- "

"This isn't about that, Sonja," he replies, too tired for there to be any real heat in his voice.

"No," Sonja says again-- "Just...pull your shit together, Even, okay? Because I fucking need you right now!"

"Sonja," Shit. He knows that she's hurting about Eli too. He _knows_ but he _can't._ "I'm sorry," Even tells her.

"Yeah well," she shrugs. "I'm pregnant."


	26. Chapter 26

**ISAK**

So _what_ do you do when the person you're in love with is with someone else-- has no intention of leaving them and, oh yeah, is having a baby with them?

If you're Isak Valtersen you get the idea in your head that it's obviously not his baby-- because you're a fucking idiot who thinks life is one of his mother's day time soap operas. Jesus. What the fuck is wrong with him?

"Isak?"

Isak jumps at the sound of Linda's voice, completely startled. He didn't hear her approach at all, which, he really should have since he's been standing outside her office, waiting for her for the last ten minutes.

"Hi," Isak says, "Hey, Linda."

Isak's boss frowns at him. "Jesus, Isak. You look like shit."

Yeah, well. He's been working 14 hour shifts all week and with little to no sleep in between. Tomorrow he has the day off and he's fucking dreading it. Has no fucking idea what he's supposed to do with himself when he can't even let it pass through blissful unconsciouness. Well-- not unless he gets his hands on something to knock him the fuck out.

"I feel like shit," he tells Linda. "That's why I need a script."

Linda's expression goes from mild concern to full on worry, only to be replaced by a much calmer, professional demeanor seconds later. "Come on, into my office."

Linda makes him sit down on the sofa with her and Isak tries not to fidget too much with his hands. He forces himself to look at her.

"What's the problem?" Linda asks.

"No problem," Isak says, "I just haven't been able to sleep these last few days so I need some Valium or something."

Linda makes a considering noise, "You don't wanna see Berg?" She asks, referring to the hospital's sleep specialist. Isak shakes his head.

"No, it's not anything that serious, Linda, Christ. And I'm not going to waste my time going to one of the GPs for this, so if you could just..." Isak makes a vague gesture in the direction of her desk, where she obviously keeps her script pad.

"Okay, fair enough," she says, getting up, "But if it's not that bad, some Ambien will work."

_What the fuck ever,_ "Cool," Isak says, figuring he can just take a higher dose if he needs to, "Thanks."

Linda stops him before he can leave her office, "You know you can talk to me if you need to, right? About Emma," Isak can't help but flinch at the mention of her name, "...or anything else," Linda says.

"Yeah," Isak says, knowing he absolutely can't tell her what's bothering him. Not all of it anyway. "It's okay, Linda. I'll see you on Sunday."

"Okay," Linda nods, before moving closer and hugging Isak. "Take care," she says and Isak swallows down whatever it is he's feeling. Same way he's been trying to do all week. Linda moves back just a few seconds later, right before Isak was about to.

"Bye," he says and leaves her office.

He goes to get the prescription, picks up a bottle of whiskey while he's at it-- before heading to the register, only realising as he's paying that he can't drink it with the pills. He's too tired to go and put it back though so he buys it anyway.

Like he's done every night since Even left, Isak sits in front of his TV that's playing a twenty-four hours news station, his phone in his hand, not really sure what he's supposed to do with it. He's texted with Even on Tuesday and last night, _How are yous_ and _How's it goings_ traded back and forth until Isak felt so empty-- he didn't know what his body was doing with all the painful breaths he was taking in an effort to stay alive.

They weren't even friends anymore. Even and him. They loved each other-- Isak _thought so_ and in the end it meant nothing. They can't even have a real conversation and that makes sense since Sonja's probably told Even by now. Not that Even was going to leave her for Isak anyway and now with a baby-- a baby that Isak wishes-- so selfishly and so foolishly, _so much--_ wasn't his--

Isak needs to let it go. There's just no point. None at all. To any of this. To _anything._

He stares at the phone in his hand, wondering if he should text Even again-- just one more time. Just to say-- what?

_Goodbye?_

Isak looks at his coffee table--

The pills. The bottle.

He grabs the bottle and doesn't bother getting up for a glass.

He doesn't know how much later it is-- when everything's kind of hazy and everything really _really_ hurts and he's crying-- like _a lot--_ and thinking _fuck you, Even,_ so he grabs his phone.

Isak gives a little laugh through the crying because he's doing it-- he's actually sending a drunk text. He's never done that before.

Thank God for autocorrect, he thinks and he types.

_Hi Even did she tell you now she came to me to find out? Why would she do that even I don't understand it . Does she know? I don't think so because she was really happy until that thing but I can't tell you. I'm delusional and it's fine. Its okay. You know. It's really I just liked you a lot and you were so nice and your smile and your eyebrows but anyway it's cool. I wasn't trying to ruin your life I'm glad I didn't and I hope everything and you're very happy even because you should be. All the time. Okay? That's all I don't know how to do this without you I can't_

Isak presses send without really knowing what the fuck he typed but hoping Even will know he loves him and that he never meant to hurt him.

He figures he should finish the bottle before he takes the pills. Or maybe not? Otherwise how is he going to swallow them all down?

_Water, idiot._

Right.

Isak drinks.

***

Banging. Loud, insistent banging. Enough to wake him up from a dream about... Isak can't remember. Not the details, just how it felt. Not very good but anyway-- the banging. Seriously. So fucking loud and a voice-- a familiar one yelling, "Isak!" Like it's been doing that for a while. "Isak, open up the fucking door, fuck! I'm two seconds from breaking it, I swear-- "

"Shut up!" Isak yells. Jesus, his head fucking hurts. He gets up from the couch and hears a clang. Looks down to find his lap drenched, spilled whiskey and a bottle on the carpet. Shit.

Even's still fucking yelling and banging. Isak moves towards the door and stumbles-- that's when he knows he's still drunk. Like _really_ still drunk. God, he can't take the fucking banging.

"I'm fucking coming!"

Isak makes it to the door eventually and unlocks it. He stumbles again when it's violently pushed open but-- _oh._ Even catches him. That's nice of him.

"Jesus Christ, Isak. What the fuck? _What the fuck, baby?"_

Isak shrugs-- Even's hands are on his face and then Even's hugging him and crying and saying all kinds of shit. Isak breathes in his smell. He really loves it a lot.

"Come on," Even steers him into the apartment, "Let's just-- let's-- "

And then Even stops, so Isak stops.

"Isak?"

Isak looks at where he's looking.

Pills, he sees, scattered all across the floor. Funny. Isak didn't notice them before.

"What is this?" Even asks, bending down.

"I was gonna kill myself," Isak says--

His brain catches up to what just came out of his mouth.

_Oh no._

"I was gonna-- " he tries to say-- but now his face is buried in Even's chest and Isak's crying too much-- Even too. Fuck. Even needs to let him go, Even needs to-- Isak was going to kill himself!

"It's okay," Even says-- he doesn't sound like it's okay-- "...they're all there, I counted. They're all there. It's okay. You're okay."

"I'm not," Isak cries, still trying to get away. "I'm really not, you fucking _asshole,_ fucking let me go!"

Even doesn't and Isak can't get _away._

"I'm sorry," Even keeps saying. But fuck him. Fuck him. Isak doesn't even know why he's here. Why is he fucking here? "I'm sorry, baby, I'm so-- I was just trying to sort shit out, Isak. I was on my way, baby. You _have to_ believe me, Isak. I wasn't going to stay. Please. You have to believe me."

"Yeah," Isak says-- really not understanding. But Even sounds upset and Isak hates him for not being his but he never wants Even to be sad. Isak loves him too much for that.

But he still doesn't like Even. "Let me go now," he says, much softer than he did before. "I need to not be..." Isak breathes. In and out. He's fine. He's okay. He's _not_ but that's his business. Not Even's. "Let go," Isak asks again--

This time Even listens.

***

When Isak wakes again, it's to throw up. Apparently there's a bucket next to his bed. That's really convenient. And then there's a glass of water appearing of nowhere, which is also convenient.

Isak drinks it and hands it back to Even. Then he falls back onto his back and stares at the ceiling above his bed.

Last night is fuzzy but he remembers most of it-- _drinking, texting, more drinking, opening the pill bottle and then throwing all of it out on the floor. Passing out._

_Even._

Isak looks at him.

"Hi," he says--

To an Even who looks much calmer than Isak expected and much calmer than Isak feels.

"Hi," Even says. "You doing okay?"

"Not really," Isak says. "Not that it's any of your concern."

Even looks upset at that-- bites his lip like he's trying to keep words inside. Isak can't even begin to guess at what they are.

"You wanna sleep some more?" Even asks and Isak shakes his head.

Bad call. _"Fuck."_

"Yeah," Even says-- "Drinking over half a bottle of Jack will do that."

"Fuck you," Isak says-- but he can't quite muster up enough poisen in his tone so it just sounds weak and like some sort of bastardisation of fondness.

"Isak," Even says. "We need to talk."

"We really don't."

"Sonja's pregnant," Even says.

"Thanks for the info," Isak says, "...but I already know."

"Yeah, she told me last night."

"That she's pregnant?"

"No. She told me the same day she saw you. Last night when I got-- when I got your text-- I freaked out. When Sonja asked what was wrong, I asked how you _knew_ when I hadn't told you yet and she told me she went to see you."

"Okay," Isak says-- his head fucking aching from all this talking.

"I told her I want a divorce," Even says. "I've been telling her that all week and trying to get her to-- I dunno. Not use my kid to try and make me stay. I wasn't ever going to stay no matter what, that wasn't a fucking option but I just needed make her understand that before I actually, you know, _left."_

"Sure," Isak tells him.

"You don't believe me," Even says.

"I don't know what to believe, Even. This whole thing is a fuck up."

"Yeah," Even sighs. "I know."

"I need a shower," Isak tells him. Even moves out of the way so he can get up. He heads for the bathroom without giving Even another look.

Isak wonders if Even will still be here when he comes out.

He thinks so.

He hopes so.

_You're such a fucking dumbass, Isak Valtersen._

Yeah, he knows, okay?

He fucking knows.


	27. Chapter 27

**EVEN**

Isak doesn't spare him another glance before heading for the bathroom, stepping inside-- where Even can't see, can't watch him-- softly closing the door behind himself. Even does his best to suppress the worried tug at the back of his brain because he's trying to be logical and calm about this.

Isak isn't going to do anything to hurt himself, Even repeats, over and over, in his head. He wouldn't-- not when he was so freaked out last night-- at the idea of what he could have done if-- _what?_

He hadn't been too drunk to actually follow through and swallow down the whole bottle of sleeping tablets?

Even doesn't fucking know.

He doesn't have a fucking clue as to what the hell happened last night and he didn't-- didn't even _know_ that something like that was possible.

Isak is suicidal? Fuck. Since when? _Don't._

_Don't panic._

Even's eyes burn and he rubs at them, lies back on Isak's bed that smells half familiar and half like alcohol drenched sweat. Other than that, he can smell the stench of Isak's vomit, coming from the bucket standing next to bed, acrid and foul and Even swallows-- can't throw it out while Isak's in the bathroom. Instead he closes his eyes and breathes through his mouth and listens to the sound of Isak's shower running. He isn't worried about falling asleep, despite the fact that he didn't get any last night.

Isak comes out of the bathroom about fifteen minutes later, just before Even's about to get up and knock on the door to ask if he's okay-- which would have been a stupid question anyway. Isak isn't fucking okay. Jesus, he wanted to kill himself last night.

He's wrapped up in a blue bathrobe that's big and fluffy and his hair is still wet, curling over his forehead and around his ears and his cheeks are flushed from the heat of the shower.

His eyes.

They're so fucking _familiar_ that it makes Even ache all over. He knows that look well, recognises it from all the times he's felt a similar mixture of emotion-- _shame, fear, embarrassment_

If Isak's waiting for Even's judgement, he's going to wait for a very long time.

"You're still here," Isak says, coming to stand at the edge of the bed, and only a part of that hostility reads as defensive.

Even sits up. "If you want me to leave, you can say so. I mean, I _won't_ but..."

Isak frowns. "I just-- I don't know _why_ you're here."

"Really?" Even asks.

"You left," Isak says, voice as small as he looks right now, shoulders haunched as he practically drowns in his robe. "I didn't think you were going to come back."

"I'm sorry I made you think that."

"Of course I thought that. What else was I supposed to think, Even?"

"I fucked up," Even says. "I'm sorry."

Isak doesn't say anything-- and they look at each other for a long moment before Even has to ask, _needs_ to know--

"Isak, about what happened last night-- "

"No," Isak cuts him off, voice violent and cutting. "No, you don't-- I'm not talking about it."

"Isak," Even wants to reach for him, wants to touch him but he gets the sense that Isak won't let him. That he'll walk away, leave, or try to force Even to leave if he even makes an _attempt_ to do that right now. "You need to talk about it, you-- "

"I _didn't,"_ Isak yells, green eyes lit up in anger as they stare down at Even. "I threw the shit out because I didn't actually want to do it so-- fuck off, okay? I'm not discussing this."

"Okay," Even says, and adds, "Not right now."

"Fuck off, Even," Isak says again-- but this time it's less angry and more tired, defeated. Even hates it.

"Told you already," he tells Isak. "I'm not doing that." _Not again._

_Never again._

"Whatever," Isak says.

He crawls back into bed.

Even empties out the vomit, washes his hands, his face and looks in the mirror--

His own guilt stares back at him and Even quickly looks away.

He'll deal with _that_ later because right now--

_Right now_ he has to be the person-- the friend-- whatever it is-- that Isak needs him to be.

***

Even's phone rings and it's Sonja (of course it's Sonja) and he'd rather not answer it-- like _at all--_ but he probably has to, right? She's pregnant with his kid and that should mean that when she calls, he answers the fucking phone.

"Hey," Even says, softly, even though he's standing in the corridor outside of Isak's apartment where the sleeping man won't be disturbed.

"Hey? Seriously, Even? Where the hell are you?"

Even doesn't sigh. "You know where I am, I told you last night, Sonja."

"So you're really with that fucking-- "

_"Sonja,"_ he cuts her off, "Enough of this-- please."

"Fuck, Even. What the fuck do you expect from me?"

"I dont know, okay? I don't fucking know but I've told you the truth and I'm not trying to fight but I can't-- I don't know what you expect from me either."

"Come home," Sonja says, "Stop being stupid and trying to ruin everything over some guy you've known for a few months."

Even pinches the bridge of his nose, "How many times do you want to have this conversation?"

"Even, I'm pregnant with _your_ child."

_Thank you for the reminder,_ Even thinks-- and fuck. He really needs to stop being so fucking bitter, otherwise this is never going to stop being a fucking mess.

"I know that," he says, "...I know."

He can hear Sonja crying over the line and she's cried a lot this past week-- and screamed and yelled and thrown things-- but it's not something Even's ever going to get used to. It's always going to be something painful to hear and he's going to feel like shit about hurting her like this for the rest of his life.

It's just not possible for him to make it any better right now.

"I'm sorry for hurting you," he says, blinking back his own tears.

"Fuck you, Even," Sonja says, and hangs up, which-- yeah.

Fair enough.

"Fuck," Even wipes a hand across his face and takes a moment-- a few moments-- to pull himself together.

When he goes back inside Isak is awake.

"Sonja?" He asks, looking down at the phone in Even's hand.

Even nods and walks to the bed. He sits down-- Isak giving him a long look before he says, "You look tired."

"I'm good," Even says, "You want food? I can order something to be delivered."

"Stop," Isak says.

"What?"

"We keep going in circles, I'm done. Stop."

_"Isak,"_ Even's voice breaks on his name-- but he carries on, "If you don't want to be with me, I get it but please, I don't want to leave you, just let me be your friend and-- "

"And what?" Isak asks, "Take care of me? That's what I mean, Even. That's all this has been-- a bunch of awful, terrible things happening! And then I try to be there for you and I push everyone else aside and then you leave me again and I'm left with _nothing_ after giving you everything I had but I don't have any more, okay? There's nothing more for you to _take."_

"Fuck," Even swallows down the lump in his throat. Isak looks just as close to tears but neither of them are crying. Yet. "That's-- I know. I fucked up-- "

"You _are_ fucked up, Even," Isak gives a bitter laugh, "It's not your fault, Eli and-- but I'm not doing this. I took care of you, fine. That's... fine. But I don't need you to try and return the favor or some shit."

For a full minute Even just gapes before he asks, "What the fuck, you think I'm here because I owe you some kind of _debt?_ No, fuck. Isak, I love you, I-- Jesus, I love you like I've never loved anyone or anything and I don't-- I don't know how to stop doing that! And I don't fucking want to! I haven't wanted to for a long time-- so if you don't want me, okay.

"But don't sit there and tell me I'm here because I have some sort of duty to you when we both know, whatever obligation I have, it doesn't lie here."

Isak's mouth, that had previous been snapped firmly shut, falls open.

"Sonja's pregnant," Even says. He sits down on the bed, "She's pregnant and it's-- this whole week all I've wanted...all I could think of was how much I wanted to fucking run back to you but every time-- "

Even breathes through the ache in his chest before he continues, "I can't run away from my responsibility, I know that, and I don't know what I'm doing or what the fuck I'm supposed to do-- I just. It's yours, okay? I'd fucking cut out my heart and give it to you if I could and you can do with it what you want because I love you, Isak. God, I do and that's all I fucking know right now."

"Jesus, Even," Isak says, and then, "That was so fucking dramatic."

The snort of laughter escapes from Even's chest, even though it's hurt like hell. He wipes at the fresh tears underneath his eyes.

"Yeah well, you should read the text you sent me last night before you judge."

Isak gives a groan and buries his face in his hands, "I'm not-- I don't even wanna know. I'm just gonna delete the damn thing."

_You mean your suicide note?_

"Isak?" Even asks-- and waits until Isak drops his hands from his face. "What happened last night?"

"I don't know," Isak says, looking down at his lap. "I didn't like-- it wasn't as if I made any concious _decision_ at any point during but just-- something," Isak licks his lips, probably tasting salt from his tears,

"Something snapped. Like the last piece of flesh and sinew holding me together just tore apart and it probably wasn't-- "

Isak sniffs, wiping at his runny nose, "I knew it wasn't the end of the world or something, it didn't feel like the end of the world but I-- I just wanted it to end already. The world. I wanted it to end."

Keeping his voice as steady as possible, Even asks, "How do you feel now?"

"Fucking stupid," Isak says, and gives a wet, chocked laugh. "I can't believe I-- I feel so fucking _stupid,"_ he says, and then it's like he breaks. All of over again. This time in front of Even's eyes-- as Isak starts to sob and fall apart and Even knows how much he's hurting and he's _sorry,_ so sorry and tries to show that by pulling Isak closer, into his lap and into his arms and as close as he can get him, saying the words, over and over again against his hair, "I'm sorry, Isak. I'm so sorry, baby..."

But Even knows this isn't just about him, not all of the fault lies at his feet, it can't because Isak's lived a whole life before Even came back into it, a life in the closet with a girl that he loved but not in he right ways and only now he's emerged from that-- lost her and everything is different for him now and it's scary, Even knows, he's scared too--

But that doesn't matter, it doesn't matter to Even that it wasn't just him that hurt Isak so bad, it doesn't matter that he's afraid-- because Evens will do anything-- anything it takes-- to make it better.

To bring good instead of pain into Isak's life-- and smiles instead of tears and happiness-- he wants _so much_ happiness for Isak.

There's been enough sadness in their story, he thinks. "It'll be okay," he tells Isak-- and wills the both of them to believe it.

By the way Isak's clinging to him, arms circled tight around his neck, Even thinks-- maybe Isak's trying to believe as well.


	28. Chapter 28

**ISAK**

It's all boils down to one thing, Isak realises-- as he lies in his bed, half on top of Even, head tucked underneath the taller man's chin.

Isak stopped crying a while ago-- but not long enough that his chest stopped giving these... pathetic little hiccuping sounds that he can't seem to control. Everytime he does them, Even's arm tightens it's hold around him, his hand cleching on Isak's shoulder and he'll press a kiss into Isak's hair, or against his forehead.

His nose brushed against Isak's this one time, his lips close enough to Isak's, he could feel Even's breath fall against him--- his heart stuttered. But it was just an accident. And it didn't happen again.

It won't happen again because it shouldn't-- it _can't._

Isak feels fucking _lost._

He was never happy with Emma, not really and-- on a purely intellectual level-- he knows that for a fact. He doesn't really wish he could go back in time, take back the truth and make it so that everything stayed the same between them. He misses her-- _God,_ he misses her-- but he doesn't miss the lies, both to her and himself. He doesn't miss the fakeness. They both deserve much more than that. He knows this _logically._

But Isak doesn't know what that means for him. This concept of... _more..._ What does that look like? How is he supposed to know-- how is he supposed to find out-- this _more_ that he should want, what he needs when--

When the only thing Isak wants-- and it feels like-- like the only thing he needs is a man he doesn't _trust._

That's the thing it all boils down to-- he doesn't trust Even.

Even isn't like him-- he doesn't _lie_ the way Isak does but he keeps his secrets, his thoughts and feelings, pressed close to his chest.

He'll tell Isak a million times, _I love you,_ and he still won't give Isak any fucking idea of what that actually _means_ to him. Isak's so fucking tired of not having the answer to that question and not being able to truly believe the words.

It's a conversation they need to have, sure, but how is Isak supposed to try when so much has happened and there's so many other things going on.

He's thought of Even first and foremost for weeks now, ignored everything else-- even his breakup with Emma was a rushed through thing and something Isak didn't have the time to process before Even turned up at his door-- manic and vulnerable and _right there_ for Isak to love and protect and take care of and--

Then he left again.

And Even-- _fuck,_ when Isak thinks about the things he's dealing with, all he wants to do is just... _help him._

It hasn't been a month since Eli died-- it feels so far away for Isak already, so many things has happened since but-- for Even it's still a gaping hole in his chest-- a wound that bleeds with every breath he takes. Even looks like he's aged five years since he lifted his head to look at a fallen Isak-- on his knees in front of him at that hospital-- and shit-- that's an apt fucking metaphor if Isak's ever encountered one.

And now there's-- whatever the fuck is happening with Sonja and the baby. Even said he doesn't know what the fuck he's doing-- he just knows he loves Isak.

Again-- what the fuck is _Isak_ supposed to do with that? Christ, Even acts like this over and over again-- like he's given Isak some great revelation, his heart from his chest, he'd said. When to Isak--

It still feels like Even has given him nothing.

The worst part--

The worst part is that Isak doesn't even know what he _wants._

Is it for Even to leave his wife--

move in with him and they'll be together, they'll figure it all out--

everything-- even the baby and just like that--

Just like that Isak will be fine.

He won't be a mess anymore and nothing will hurt the way it did when he looked at a bottle of whiskey and a bottle of pills and thought, _yeah, okay,_

Because now Even and him will have each other and, whatever that looks like, whatever comes with that, whatever it is that's supposed to make Isak _happy._ Finally. After all these fucking years...

That's just going to be _it_ and everything will be fixed, right?

_Right._

It's okay...

Isak doesn't buy it either.

***

It's not awkward, it would never be awkward with Even, not really.

It's just...stunted. Somehow.

It's on both their faces-- when they think the other isn't watching and in their bodies-- when they're not clinging to each other-- and the way they don't really talk that much at all.

Because they're both a little (a lot) scared of what the other might say.

Mostly that's okay with Isak, he can deal with it for now. The bright, pink, elephant is bound to come up eventually...

And it does--

When Even goes to take a shower that night and comes back out wearing a towel and nothing else because-- _oh right_ \-- all his shit is at his house where he lives with his wife.

"Here," Isak says, throwing his longest sweatpants and loosest shirt at Even. He wore both of them the last time he stayed at Isak's and maybe Isak did some snuggling and crying into the T-shirt when Even left-- before feeling like a total tool and throwing it in the wash-- but that's beside the point.

"Thanks," Even says-- and Isak looks away while he dresses, goes back to the journal he was pretending to read while listening to the shower running and trying not to imagine Even, naked and wet, underneath it's spray.

Even collapses on the bed, rocking it slightly as he lies on his back, leaving a bit of distance between him and Isak-- and while Isak itches to close it, he can only take _so much_ not-even-close-to-platonic snuggling with his best friend slash ill advised object of affection on any given day.

"You're working tomorrow, right?"

"Yeah," Isak says, keeping his eyes on the pages before him.

"I think I'll go back to Oslo," Even says, voice careful.

"That's chill," Isak says, still not looking up. It's not chill. It's not even close to chill but fuck Even, he can figure that out for himself, the asshole.

"Is it?" Even asks, sounding almost hurt and--

Why the fuck does _he_ sound hurt, like, that's it, okay?

That is fucking _it._

"What? Am I supposed to ask you to stay, Even? You can do whatever the hell you want."

"Okay," Even blinks, he sits up on the bed, bites down on his lip before he asks, "But do you want me to?"

Isak frowns, "Do I want you to _what?"_

Even doesn't roll his eyes-- probably because he doesn't have a death wish-- but he looks pretty close to doing so. "Do you want me to stay here at your apartment or at Eli's house?"

_What?_ "What?"

"I mean," Even shrugs, "...it's not a permanent solution for me because...I don't know. She left it to me but I don't know if I'm going to-- "

"You're staying. In Drammen?"

"Yeah," Even looks confused, what the fuck? "Of course I'm-- _you're_ in Drammen."

Huh?

"I don't-- "

"Can we cut the shit, Isak, please...I thought we were done with this."

Isak feels a spike of irritation crawling up his spine-- mixed with hope, sure, but mostly irritation. He's going to focus on the irritation. For the sake of his own self-preservation. "Done with what exactly?"

Even sighs, "Pretending like I don't want to be with you, I mean. I'm not going to force you to start dating me-- "

"Even, what the fuck are you talking about? I can't _date_ you, what the fuck?"

Even scoffs, "Why the fuck not?"

Jesus, this guy. "You're fucking married!"

"Well," Even nods his head, "I see why that might be a bit of an obstacle..."

"Even, I swear to God-- "

"But look!" He holds up his hands, "Sonja's bound to come to her senses eventually, right? And realize that divorce is the only option here."

"Divorce," Isak echoes back, stupidly.

"Yeah," Even says, scratching at his eyebrow, "Shit, wonder if Finn could do it."

"Finn?"

Even nods, "He's a lawyer but I don't know if that's a conflict of interest or something like that. Is it? It shouldn't be because, I mean, usually in divorce proceedings both parties have their own council or some shit-- that's how it works in the movies-- not sure if it's that way in real life-- "

Isak continues with his stunned gaping.

"Fuck, I'm rambling. And this isn't the point. The point is, I totally get why you wouldn't want to date someone who is going through a divorce, I can wait... Is what I'm saying."

"Oh," Isak says.

"Anyway, you don't have to decide yet, like I said, I'm going to pick up my stuff tomorrow-- "

_What the fuck?_

"That is _not_ what you said, Even!"

"What? Yes, it is."

Isak tosses the journal aside, getting up on his knees for some reason. Maybe he just wants to tower over Even while he yells at this-- this _infuriating_ fucking person, "You said you were going back to Oslo!"

"Yeah?" Even's looking at Isak like he's speaking a different language, "To pick up my stuff?"

"Jesus," Isak pinches the bridge of his nose-- "...that is not what you said."

"Wait," Even looks really upset all of a sudden, "Did you think I meant I was going _back_ back-- like. Back to Sonja?"

Isak doesn't say anything but his silence must be answer enough.

Even looks-- and there is honestly no other word for this-- completely _aghast,_ "No! Jesus, Isak. I'm not-- why would I... I love _you,_ do you not-- I told Sonja about you. I told her I was leaving her. For you."

_What the fuck?_

"Well, not _for you,_ but yes. Okay, for you, because I love you and I choose you and I know that you need time to decide on your own if I'm what-- "

_What the fuck?_

Isak doesn't think-- in the next moment, Even's words just cut off against his mouth, his eyes going wide as he makes a surprised sound...

But it's only a moment before he kisses back, his hands cupping Isak's face and angling his head _just right,_ and suddenly it's like the air around them _shifts,_

Away from Isak's frantic desperation to _have this,_ have Even, if it's being offered to him in a single perfect moment that won't last forever because there's all this-- _shit_ they need to deal with--

But right now--

Right now there's Even's thumbs stroking over Isak's cheekbones--

And Isak's hands in his thick, soft hair--

And Even's mouth that tastes like mint because he just brushed his teeth (with the toothbrush Isak gave him last week and didn't have the heart to throw away when he left)

And the taste of salt because--

"You're crying," Even says, pulling away.

"I'm stupid," Isak says. He really, really is. "Do you love me?"

"Yes," Even says immediately.

"You promise?"

"I promise."

"Okay," Isak says, kissing Even's mouth again, quick kisses that aren't as desperate anymore but feels just as necessary, "Okay," he says again, resting his forehead against Even's

"Believe me," Even asks, and Isak doesn't, he can't. Not yet. Not completely. But.

"I'll try," Isak says, "We'll try, yeah?"

"Yes," Even says, "We'll try."


	29. Chapter 29

**EVEN**

Standing in front of the door to his house-- what's been his house, his home with Sonja, where they planned, for years, to raise their kids, raise them _together_

Even stands there-- and feels the strange urge to ring the doorbell.

He ignores it, takes his keys out of his pocket and unlocks the door.

He's half expecting for Sonja to be standing there, in the foyer, arms crossed over her chest, a furious look in her eyes and her mouth poised to hurl a thousand angry words at him. He's prepared for that, in fact. As much as a person _can_ be prepared for something like that.

But she isn't there waiting for him and Even breathes in relief.

She's probably working-- he doesn't know-- Sonja makes her own hours and even though he did text her this morning that he was going to come over later today, she didn't text back. In retrospect, perhaps he should have called her.

Fuck, this all feels so weird.

Even tries to shake it off as best as he can and heads upstairs to the bedroom--

Where he finds Sonja in bed, clutching at the sheet covers, face buried in a pillow so the sound is muffled but her shoulders shake violently and it's obvious that she's crying her eyes out. It's instinctual, really. It's Sonja. It's his wife, his-- it's _her_ and--

She doesn't push him away like he's half expecting her to but clings to him for dear life and-- even though some part of Even's brain is screaming at him to _let go--_ he's completely incapable of doing so. It's just not possible-- for him to see her like that and ignore it, turn his back on her when--

When she needs him.

Sonja needs him.

The thought makes him go cold all over and he becomes stock still-- it's a cruel idea to have and-- even as he's busy conceiving it-- he want to reject it immediately but--

She knew he was coming over. And she had to hear him coming up the stairs. And she _knows_ him-- knows him like no one else in the world.

Except she wouldn't do that, she isn't like that. She's not that manipulative so no--

No, this is Even's own guilty conscience at play when he's seen-- once again, with his own two eyes-- how much he's hurt her, how much he's wrecked her. This is on him and even attempting to blame Sonja for the horrible way he's feeling right now is fucking insane. This is his fault-- his alone.

"I'm sorry," he tells her, again, and Sonja's breath hitches and her hands cling to him even tighter into the hoodie he's wearing... Isak's hoodie.

It's the most cognitive dissonance Even can ever remember feeling. His body wants to wrap itself around Sonja, from years and years of doing so and his-- head. It's fucking overwhelming how much he wants-- he needs to--

"Don't leave me," Sonja pleads, "Even, I can't do this without you.

_I don't know how to do this without you_

The words from Isak's text-- his suicide note-- resounds in Even's head, louder than anything-- the way it did when he first read them and didn't even know, at the time, what they meant. What Isak meant when he sent them. He wonders if Isak even knew, if at that point he'd already concluded what his next course of action would be.

"Don't leave me," Sonja says again.

"I'm sorry," Even tells her.

And he is-- he's so fucking sorry for all of this. Jesus. It's a fucking disaster. But there's only one way for him to make it even worse right now. And that's not something he'll even consider doing.

It takes a while for Sonja to calm down and Even keeps doing it, keeps telling her that it's going to be okay and that he's sorry. He still can't fight the urge to hold her as much as he needs to fight the urge to let her go and it's...bad. This situation. Probable not the lessor of two evils but Even's not strong enough to leave her like this. He just isn't.

They lie like that for a long time, eventually neither of them saying a single word. They just stay like that and a part of Even wishes they could stay like that forever because it's safe and comforting and familiar. It's everything that's kept them together all this time and the thought of letting go of that hurts. It hurts a lot.

It's Sonja that breaks the silence.

"You're going back to him," she says and her voice isn't angry or sad-- just hollow. In a way Even's never heard her before.

"I'm sorry," he says again-- and the words don't mean much more than they did the first hundred times he said it.

Because yes, he is going back to Isak.

Sonja's his wife, Sonja's pregnant with his baby but Isak--

Isak is where Even belongs. He's home.

It's another few minutes later that Sonja extracts herself from him. She gets off the bed. Even sits up.

"I can't be here while you... " She looks at the closet. "I'm going to be downstairs while-- yeah," Sonja nods her head and turns around and walks out.

Even packs this stuff.

He finds her in the kitchen an hour later, sitting at the counter, drinking tea and looking completely fucking lost.

"Sonja, there's..." Even sighs, running a hand though his hair, "There's a lot we need to talk about."

She nods her head, still staring blankly in front of her. "Yeah, I can't. I don't know how to do that."

"Sonja-- "

"Even, just go. Fuck, just-- " This time when she looks at him her eyes are lit up with anger. She slams the cup down on the counter, most of its contents spilling, her hands shaking. "Jesus, what have I done," she says, looking down at it.

"Sonja," he says.

"What have I done," he repeats and Even realizes she isn't talking about the mess on the counter.

Even frowns, "You didnt do-- "

"Fuck you, Even," he says, turning her eyes back on him. "You've had your head up Isak Valtersen's ass for months so don't tell me what I did or didn't do. You don't know."

"Sonja," he takes a step closer--

"Please, just..." She shakes her head, "I'm tired and nauseated and this tea isn't fucking helping like it should and-- " Sonja's breathing is coming up short, chest heaving. "I'm pregnant," she says, giving a half hysterics laugh. "I'm pregnant and alone and it's my fault."

"No, it isn't," Even says, torn between moving closer and giving her the space she clearly wants right now. She looks seconds away from a panic attack. "Why would you think it's your fault."

"I..." Sonja swallows, she clenches her shaking hands together to try and still them. "I have to tell you something," she says, "...about...about the baby."

"Okay," Even takes a step closer. "Tell me."

\---

**ISAK**

Isak almost fall over as he bumps his foot against something big and heavy, lets out an unmanly squak before he rights himself and finds the light switch to turn it on. Suitcases. That's what he bumped into-- two of them.

Okay...

Isak lifts his eyes and finds the owner of said suitcases--

Sitting in his couch, holding a bottle of what looks like vodka against his chest, protectively, like it's his baby that he's trying to keep away from Isak. His eyes are red rimmed, there are dried tear tracks on his face and the saddest pout to his mouth. Isak's heart aches and he thinks, oh, Eli, and steps forward, heads for the couch, and sits down next to Even. He puts a hand on the man's knee and gives him a small smile. "Hi," he says and Even relaxes his grip on the vodka bottle slightly, now that it appears like Isak isn't going to immediately take it away from him.

"Hi," Even says, throat sounding raw and aching.

"Should I ask how your day was?" Isak asks and Even immediately shakes his head.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"You already know," Even says, "Sonja said you know. That you figured it out."

Isak frowns, feeling completely lost. This conversation isn't going the way he thought it was going to go.

But then Even says, "It isn't mine. The baby. Sonja said it isn't mine," and fresh tears leak from his eyes as he lifts the bottle to take another drink.

Oh.

Well fuck.

"I didn't know," Isak says. "She acted weird about how far along she was but-- I wasn't sure. Couldn't be."

Even nods his head. "She's sure. She said she's one hundred percent sure that it isn't my baby. It's...someone else's baby."

Isak doesn't know what to say to that-- I'm sorry would be the most blatant fucking lie-- when his heart is beating so fast inside of his chest because this is literally the best news he's ever received in his life. He hopes none of that is showing on his face and he lifts a hand to run it through Even's hair.

"I don't even," Even sniffles some more, "I don't get why I'm like this. I shouldn't be like this, you know. I don't even want to be with her anymore."

"Yeah," Isak nods, "But feelings are weird."

"She fucked someone else."

"Yeah," Isak reaches with his other hand to take the bottle away. "No more of this, okay? This isn't how we deal with our emotions."

"You sound so condecending," Even says, a brief smile appearing on his mouth, before it disappears. "And you're a hypocrite."

True, Isak concedes. But it's not like he's the only one. "Says the guy crying over being cheated on... to the guy he's been having an emotional affair with for months."

At that Even laughs, and despite his eyes still being really sad, it sounds genuine.

"God, Isak," he sighs, "We've made a mess, haven't we?"

"Yeah," Isak shifts closer so he can rest his head on Even's shoulder. "We did but I think it'll be worth the clean up effort."

"You think so?" Even asks, turning his head to look at him.

"Yes," Isak tells him. "I really do."


	30. Chapter 30

**EVEN**

It's around 19:00 and Even's sitting at Isak's kitchen table, working on a few sketches for the webite.

He isn't back at work yet. Not officially but he's found it easier, these last few days, to just...draw. Instead of thinking and wondering and stressing about shit too much. It's been a pretty good distraction. Not one hundred percent effective because he still has at least one breakdown a day but those have been mostly when Isak's been at work, so...he's probably doing alright.

"So, we should..." Isak says, and Even looks up from his laptop to where the younger man is sitting on the sofa. Isak's been reading one of his medical journals. Again. He looked really into it so Even didn't want to bother him. Well...not more than he probably already does just by being here.

"Hmm?" He asks, shifting on the kitchen chair so he's fully facing Isak and giving him his full attention.

"I think we should talk," Isak says-- and it's weird. How his voice goes up at the end there. Like he's asking a question instead of making a statement.

"Okay," Even says, nodding his head.

He's pretty sure what's about to happen. Isak has been...distant. These last few days. Even didn't know what to make of it at first and he's kind of left it alone but...

He's been feeling more and more like this-- him being here, in Isak's home and Isak's space-- is a mistake. Like maybe he should have gone to Eli's house instead, despite how painful it would have been. Or asked Isak at least, made one hundred percent sure that he's okay with Even staying here. He should have asked.

Instead he's been lying awake at night on Isak's couch and listening the younger man toss and turn in his bed, also unable to sleep.

Even has no idea what it means, for them and the possibility of _something,_ of them being something-- the fact that Isak's about to kick him out but...that's the point, isn't it?

The whole reason why they should talk and...have this conversation that they've both been dancing around for days.

So Even asks, "What do you want to talk about?"

"Can you..." Isak shifts on the sofa, making room as he transfers the pages on his lap to the coffee table. "...come sit here," he says-- and pats the space next to him.

Even pushes down the spike of anxiety that's threatening to erupt in his stomach and gets up from the chair, walking the few steps until he's at the sofa. He sits down. Looks at Isak.

"We're friends," Isak says.

_Well then._

"I mean..." Isak bites his lip and looks at Even with imploring green eyes. He looks rather frightened. Even nods.

"Yes," he says immediately, ignoring the ten thousand other things he wants to say to that.

_We're friends._

"Of course we are."

"Yes," Isak nods.

Even nods as well.

"I know," Isak looks so freaking earnest, "...there's a lot of stuff going on but I want to tell you something. You know. As my friend."

"You can tell me anything," Even says.

He tries to resist but it's impossible not to reach for Isak's hand, curl his fingers around his palm. Isak let's him.

"Okay," Isak says, "I've been-- you know how I... " He makes a frustrated noise, his hand squeezing Even's.

"It's okay, you can take your time," Even says, hoping it's the right thing.

"I've been," Isak makes a sound that's as close to a whine without actually being one. "I don't know why I've been so afraid to say this but I have been and that's-- I mean. I haven't really been talking to you about _anything_ lately."

Yeah, so. Even can't possibly deny that...because it's true.

He's wanted to push-- considered it a lot these last two days-- but he's already been invading enough of Isak's space.

At least that's what he'd thought. Maybe he should have pushed at least a little.

"It's okay," he says, "I'm not mad at you."

Isak looks relieved to hear that, like he'd actually been afraid of that or something.

"It's just that you're going through a lot and I...you know how much I-- I want to be there for you but I needed to take care of me too and sometimes I feel like I don't yet know how to do both, you know? I've tried and I just-- "

"Isak," Even wants to pull him close and into his arms. Isak's eyes are shiny and he looks like it's taking everything for him to not get even more emotional. "I get it," Even tells him. "I understand."

And he really does-- he'll leave right now if Isak asks but he has a feeling Isak's too kind to do that. So... Even will have to do it himself. As soon as he's sure Isak's okay.

"It's okay," he says again, "So you've been...taking time to take care of you? What does that mean exactly?"

Here Isak takes a deep breath before he says, "I've been seeing someone."

Even tenses up-- can't help it because yeah... _what the fuck._

And Isak's eyes widen, looking completely horrified.

"No! Not like-- oh my God, Even. No. I mean a psychiatrist. Jesus."

"Oh," Even says.

And then, "Oh. _Isak."_

"It's..." Isak shakes his head. "I mean I wouldn't...you know. But yeah."

"Okay," Even says. Psychiatrist. Not a new lover or something. _Psychiatrist._

"This is because of your attempt?" He asks, carefully.

Isak nods, "I'd prefer, you know. _Almost_ attempt but yeah. So we're trying something and seeing if it helps and I'm gonna... I'm seeing a therapist tomorrow as well."

"That's good," Even says.

"Yeah?"

"Well, yeah. Of course," Even tells him. "I want you to be okay and I'm glad you want it for yourself as well."

Isak smiles and it's faint...but genuine.

Even matches it in a heartbeat.

"So uh..." Isak shrugs, "...how've you been doing. With, you know. Stuff."

"Me?"

"Yeah."

_Who the fuck even knows._

Even takes a breath, "I don't wanna pile stuff on you, Isak..."

"Hey, no," Isak frowns, "I know I've been...in my head these last few days but you're not piling stuff on me by telling me where you're at. Just like I'm not piling stuff on you by telling you that I'm getting help now. Right?"

Even nods, "I don't want to burden you, that's all. I'm already living rent free in your apartment."

"What?" Isak frowns, "Seriously, Even? That's not an issue for me."

"I'm just saying...you didn't ask for a roommate and-- "

"That's what we are?" Isak asks, "Roommates?"

They are living in the same room, so...

"Well, no," Even says, "We're also friends...like you said."

_"Friends,"_ Isak repeats, blinking at Even.

Oh.

"But if-- "

"So," Isak interrupts him. "How are you doing? Friends tell each other stuff like that, right? And I'm your friend. And roommate. And friend. So tell me."

"I'm..." Even narrows his eyes, "What's happening right now?"

"What do you mean?" Isak asks--

In that way that people have when they know _exactly_ what you mean.

"You don't like it," Even accuses.

Isak's eyes narrow, "I don't know what you're-- I'm just asking how you are. You're the one dodging the subject."

Even tries but he can't keep from smiling. "You don't want to just be my friend."

Isak makes a disgusted sound, rolling his eyes, "I don't know why you're acting like this is brand new information, Even."

"It feels like it is," Even admits. "I don't know. Maybe because the context is different."

"How so?" Isak questions.

"You're not with Emma and I'm not with Sonja," Even says-- and sees it happen...

Sees his words register in Isak's mind.

Feels it as the air around them shifts and thickens. To the point where Even's finding it a little bit harder to breathe.

"I suppose that's...a fair observation," Isak says, shifting slightly.

Even could read the action as discomfort but that's not what it is. That's not what's causing the tension in Isak's body.

"I don't either," Even tells him, looking down at their hands, still intertwined with each other.

"Don't what?" Isak asks.

And Even's heard it before-- Isak sounding this breathless. The memory makes his head spin. It also makes his dick twitch in his jeans. Shit.

Even looks up, straight into Isak's dilated eyes, "Don't want to be just friends with you," he says-- and watches as Isak's throat bobs as he swallows thickly.

Even's never wanted to kiss anyone this bad.

"That's um...good. To know," Isak says, and Even loves how his voice sounds. How affected he is by this. That it's not just Even feeling like this.

"So..."

"So," Isak echoes...

And he's doing it too.

Leaning closer, the same way that Even is...

Until their noses touch and Even can feel his breath against his lips and--

"No," Isak sqeeks out.

Even blinks.

"Nope," Isak says, eyes squeezed shut and all the way...over there. No longer close enough for Even to feel his body heat radiating off him.

Even's confused. "Huh?"

Isak opens his eyes and he looks-- he's blushing. It's adorable. Even still doesn't have a clue as to what the fuck is going on.

"It's good," Isak says, holding up his hands. It creates a barrier between them like he thinks he needs it to keep Even from jumping him. Or maybe he needs it himself. "Its good that we're...on the same page," Isak says. "But if we..."

Even quirks his eyebrows, "If we..?"

"If we do stuff then we're probably, I mean. I'm gonna want other stuff. More stuff," Isak says, in a rush. "Stuff I'm that I'm not ready for kinds of stuff."

"Oh," Even says.

Okay...

"That's why I've been relocated to the couch? Because you want to have sex with me but you also don't?"

Isak's blush deepens even further. "Even," he whines.

"What?" Even laughs, "Sorry. I just-- I'm sorry."

"Yes, okay?" Isak sighs, "You in my bed and stuff when you're...when I _can_ and-- "

"Can?" Even smirks. "I'm such a sure thing for you, Valtersen?"

Instead of blushing further, Isak just rolls his eyes, "If I know one thing for sure, it's how much you want to fuck me, Even."

At those words... a wave of _want_ and pure heat travels through Even's entire body, settles low, in the pit of his stomach...

"Fuck, you're so right about that," he tells Isak, voice sounding completely fucked and strangled.

"Jesus," Isak's eyes widen and he flushes bright red, jumping up from the sofa. "Fuck, you...um," he looks around the flat, for nothing in particular, Even's sure.

It also brings his crotch level to Even's eyes and it's easy to tell, in his tight jeans, exactly how affected Isak is right now.

"Stop that," Isak says, snapping Even out of it.

Marginally.

Isak walks past him, heads for the counter where he's put his wallet and phone. "I can't be in this flat with you right now so...let's go."

"Go?" Even asks dumbly.

"Yes," Isak nods his head. "To a restaurant or something, where there is food and... _other people."_

"Oh," Even smiles. Isak's afraid to be alone with him because of how much he wants him. That's nice.

But also, "Like a date?"

Isak goes completely still for like three whole seconds and Even thinks he's fucked up royally.

But then Isak just smiles, nodding his head.

"Yeah," he says, "...like a date."


	31. Chapter 31

**ISAK**

"What do you feel like getting?" Even asks, as the two of them stand together just outside of the apartment building. It's a bit chilly out. Isak wraps his jacket a little tighter around himself. Even sees the action and frowns. "Do you want to drive instead of walking?"

"No," Isak says. It really isn't that cold, the air crisp and fresh around them. He feels the sudden urge to take a deep, massive breath of it, and can't resist doing it, closing his eyes for a moment as he holds the air inside his lungs. It's maybe a bit strange, in light of everything that's going on...but it feels like, for the first time in a really long time, breathing doesn't hurt.

Isak doesn't linger on the thought, not in the mood to get maudlin and serious when the last while with Even has been so light-hearted and-- yeah. Fun. Isak is aware of the fact that it has a lot to do with his improved mood, that and also the fact that he finally got the fact that he's seeing a doctor about his mental health off his chest...

With everything going on, Isak just wants to enjoy this time with Even, moments that feel a little bit like reprieve from all the drama.

Isak exhales, opens his eyes-- and finds Even standing with his hands in the pockets of his jeans, lips pursed together and looking at him-- studying him, really.

Isak feels himself blush, the heat of Even's obvious scrutiny making his insides warm. It's different than when they were in the flat, sitting next to each other on the couch and all Isak wanted, in the face of Even's desire for him, was give into his own. This isn't _that._ Not all of it and Isak isn't exactly sure what it is but he's pretty sure he's never felt anything like it before.

He wants, in this moment, to share that with Even and tell him that he makes him feel things no one else does but in the same way that the idea of getting physically intimate with Even scares him, this does too. Isak doesn't know why he can admit to the weight of his feelings for Even when the both of them are full-on desperate and filled to the brim with their own and each other's misery, why it's so easy in those moments to tell Even how much he loves and cares for him when now...standing on a street corner, trying to decide what they want to eat for their very first dinner date, Isak feels like a skittish child.

"Fish and chips," he says.

Even rapidly blinks a few times and raises his eyebrows, giving Isak an endearingly confused look.

"You asked me what I wanted to get," he reminds Even and feels himself smile at the fact that simply looking at him for a few seconds is apparently enough to make Even forget what he just asked.

Isak feels horrendously shy at the thought.

He isn't sure how he's supposed to survive _going on a date_ with Even-- when he's feeling like this. Isak knows he's going to make a fool of himself. Well...more of a fool than he already did upstairs.

"That...sounds good," Even nods his head. He rocks on his feet slightly, back and forth and it hits Isak then-- that maybe he's not the only one feeling nervous about this. He hopes that for Even it's a good kind of nervous-- the way it is for Isak.

"Let's go then," Isak says, angling his head in the direction of the fish shop that's a few blocks away from his apartment complex. He turns on his heel and starts walking and Even falls into step along side him. Isak doesn't know what to do with his hands all of a sudden so he crosses them over his chest, burrowing deeper into his jacket, before he gets any stupid ideas like holding Even's hand or something.

"You've been busy," Isak says, and Even raises his eyebrows (again) giving him a questioning look. "Drawing," Isak clarifies, "On like...your laptop?" He frowns.

"Oh," Even nods. "Yeah, I do a lot of stuff digitally. Not any of the cartoons for the paper but the website...yeah."

They talk some more about Even's work, Isak assuring him more than once that, "No, you're not boring me, Even. This stuff is interesting." And that's not a lie, of course not. But it's not the whole truth either. It's just that...Even's kind of beautiful. All the time, sure but...when he's talking about his work, his _art,_ he lights up in a way that makes Isak feel just...increadibly happy. Like he could listen to Even talk about this stuff all day. He probably could. It's ridiculous, really, how desperately in love with him Isak is.

They make it to the food stop, stepping inside. The plastic chairs around them are mostly empty and no one else is standing in line at the counter. Isak looks up at the plastic board displaying various menu items and prices and makes a decision about what he wants to get. He tells Even-- and they step up to order.

"I'm buying," Even tells him, pulling out his wallet. Isak instinctively wants to say, _no, you don't have to,_ but Even, probably expecting exactly that, steamrolls over him, "I'm living rent free in your apartment, Isak. The least I could do is buy you a fucking fish parcel."

"When you put it like that," Isak shrugs his shoulders and Even smiles.

"You were supposed to say, _You're welcome to bum off me, Even. Feel free to do so for the rest of your life."_

"You're welcome to bum off me, Even. Feel free to do so for the rest of your life," Isak dutifully repeats and it's supposed to come out light and humerous. Sarcastic. Isak misses that by about a mile because, God damnit, it's so fucking true. Probably any sentence including the words _Even_ and _rest of your life_ would be. Isak's so far gone, Jesus Christ.

The woman-- girl really, she can't be any older than eighteen or nineteen-- at the counter clears her throat and Isak becomes abruptly aware of the fact that the two of them have been standing there for a really inappropriate amount of time, just staring at each other. He blushes for what feels like the thousandth time tonight but Even just smiles at her, handing over his credit card and leaning on the counter. "This is our first date," he tells her, like he's sharing some great and precious secret.

The girl looks mildly horrified, "And you brought him _here?"_ she asks and Isak has to bite his lip to keep from laughing. Even shrugs. "Turns out he's a cheap date...doesn't that bode well for my future?"

"Not for his," she says, swiping Even's card and Isak does laugh then.

"It's chill," Even tells her, "I make up for it in many other ways."

She gives Even a look, eyes traveling up and down as much of him that's visible to her _very appreciative_ gaze... and Isak knows he's been completely ridiculous when his stomach tightens with a faint tug of jealousy but yeah. He's accepted that he's ridiculous when it comes to this man. "I'm sure you do," the girl says, voice flirtatious and Even laughs like it's a joke _(which it is, it's fine, stop being stupid, Isak)_ but he does lean back from the counter and that mollifies Isak. Somewhat. The girl turns her eyes to Isak, gives him an amused look like she's reading his mind or something and he tries not to glare at her. Her smirk stretches a little bit wider so Isak's sure he fails pretty badly.

When she goes into the kitchen to fetch their food, Even surprises Isak by stepping close to him, a lot close, and wrapping his arms around him. He pulls Isak flush against him, hands settling along his lower back and looks down at Isak wearing a smirk.

"Don't," Isak says and Even reads him well enough to know he doesn't mean the hug slash impromptu cuddling session that he's started in the middle of a fish and chips shop.

"I didn't say _anything,"_ Even tells him. "Nothing at all."

"Good," Isak lifts his arms up a little, so he can grip his hands into the padding of Even's warm jacket.

"Not even that you're fucking cute when you're jealous."

"I don't think so," Isak says, remembering months and weeks of feeling like shit because he wanted somebody else's husband. Again, Even reads him like an open book.

"Sorry, that was a stupid thing to say... I mean. I should know that better than anyone."

"What do you-- " Isak cuts himself off as he sees the girl come back, putting down a tray with their food and drinks, condiments and some cutlery. He extracts himself from Even and takes the tray, giving her the sincerest "Thank you," he can muster up. _"Takk,"_ Even says behind him as well before following Isak to a small table in a corner of the restaurant-- where they sit down across from each other with their food.

Isak almost chokes on his soda as he sees Even dumping seven satches of vinegar over his fish. _"Dude,"_ he says.

"What?" Even looks up at him, face bewildered.

"That's...a lot of vinegar," Isak points out.

Even shrugs, "That's the point of fish and chips, if you ask me."

"Yes, well. It's not good for your teeth. It can erode the enamel and cause further damage like cavaties..."

"Oh, excuse me," Even laughs, "I thought I was dating an obstetrics surgeon, not a dentist."

Isak ignores the thrill of pleasure that crawls up his spine at Even using the word "dating" to describe them so casually. He rolls his eyes. "Okay but when you have to get fillers and shit, don't say I didn't warn you."

Even nods, "Noted. Now eat your food."

They're about halfway through their meal when Isak remembers to ask, "What did you mean earlier? When you said that _you_ more than anyone else should know not to joke about the jealous thing..."

"Oh that," Even says, "I was referring to how I've spent the last few months resisting the urge to claw your fiancee's eyes out."

Isak gapes...as Even goes back to casually putting chips in his mouth. After about a minute of this, Isak shrieks, "Even!" He can't just say stuff like that and then go back to eating his food.

"What?" Even asks, seemingly genuinely confused. "Oh," he says, eyes lighting up.

"Yeah," Isak says.

"I meant ex-fiancee, sorry."

Isak laughs and he feels like a _terrible_ person. "You know I meant the thing about clawing Emma's eyes out. That's not an okay thing to say."

"I know," Even sighs, "But look. Think about how much worse it would have been if I actually, you know, _did_ it."

"It's too soon to be joking about this," Isak says, trying to fight his smile. "Way, way too soon."

"Sorry," Even says, this time sound in genuine. "Have you uh-- have you guys talked a lot since ending things?"

"No," Isak shakes his head. "Not a lot but...the fact that she'd even talk to me _at all_ is still kinda blowing my mind," Isak takes a drink from his soda before he says, "Anyway...let's not talk about Emma." _Or Sonja_ he adds in his mind but he's pretty sure Even hears it because he tells him, "That's not just going to go away, you know. It's going to be like, an issue, if we can't talk to each other about it. An even bigger one, I should say."

And yes, Isak _does_ know that but--

"This is a date though and-- and ex-fiancees and wives are not suitable date talk. It's just poor ettiquette, if you ask me."

Even laughs-- and it makes Isak smile. "Poor dating etiquette," he says-- reaching over to steal a few of Isak's chips and putting them in his mouth. "How's this for poor dating etiquette?" He asks around a smirk, the food still in his mouth.

"That's fucking gross and you're absolutely terrible," Isak tells him, knowing that he doesn't mean it, not even a little bit.

Even-- the gorgeous, smug bastard-- obviously knows it too.


	32. Chapter 32

**EVEN**

Even keeps turning the idea around in his head, over and over, wondering if he should do it. If he could do it. It's the most stressed he's felt in a couple of days and maybe that's why he thinks he might be up for it. Because he feels a little stronger now-- since this thing with Isak feels a bit more stable. He thinks he might survive it-- 

Going to Eli's house and starting the - probably overdue - process of packing up her things. 

But then-- the more he thinks about it, the more stressed out he gets and eventually it boils over-- not a lot. He's fine. Well, not _fine_ but still okay. But his lungs hurt and his eyes sting and he's alone in Isak's apartment, has been the whole day. Isak works _a lot_ and Even's alone for most of the day and Eli's dead and Sonja cheated on him and his life is a fucking mess-- and he needs to get out of this flat. Needs to leave for a while because it's just-- it's so fucking confusing. Conflicting. 

Because when Isak--

When Isak _is_ here-- when he's here with Even.

Even is happy. Sort of. 

At least a lot happier than he ever imagined he could be when it's just a little over a month since his sister's death. 

It's fucked up. Even feels like shit about it, feels so fucking guilty--

At how amazing, how increadible it is to just-- _be_ with Isak.

They watch stupid movies together and Even makes Isak laugh and everyday he'll cook for him, with him and it make Isak smile. Even teases him, tells him he's beautiful and makes him blush. He makes Isak happy too, he thinks and he loves him. He _loves_ Isak so much and for the first time since Even realized that-- it doesn't hurt. Loving Isak doesn't hurt but...

 _Fuck._

Everything else does.

***

Even doesn't know how long he's been walking aimlessly around Isak's neighborhood when his phone rings. 

He considers ignoring it and staying in his head, in his misery. It's probably Isak and if it's Isak, the sounds of his voice alone would be enough to relieve some of the tightness in Even's chest. He wants the tightness, wants the hurt. It's what he should be feeling. 

He shouldn't feel butterflies and joy and so in love that it takes his breath away. But he's selfish and he doesn't see the point. Missing Isak when he's already missing Eli so much he thinks he might die from it. So he answers the phone. 

"Hey."

"Even? You're not here. I came back from work and-- "

 _Shit._ "Breathe baby, it's okay. I just went for a walk that's all."

"You're okay?" The concern in Isak's voice warms Even up as much as it makes him feel distressed at making him worry. He's tired of feeling two things at the same time. So fucking tired. 

"I don't know," Even answers honestly.

"Come home," Isak tells him.

Something tugs in Even's stomach. _Home._ That's exactly what Isak is but... 

Even still feels so fucking lost. He doesn't know what to do. If he goes back to Isak's flat, he'll fall into his arms and snuggle with him on his sofa. Press his lips against his cheeks. The only place he's been allowed to kiss since he started being allowed to kiss _at all._ And that simple kiss will still feel like enough (while not being nearly enough but) it'll still feel like everything Even's ever wanted. But it's not. Because he wants his sister back too. And he can't have that. Even's crying before he realizes it. 

"Baby," Isak says, sounding like he's seconds away from doing the same. "Tell me what you need," he asks. 

But Even doesn't know what he needs. 

He never does really-- and that's why he's always followed Eli's lead. 

Followed Sonja's. Fuck. 

Sonja's pregnant. Even's wife is pregnant with some other guy's kid. 

Fuck. He didn't know it was possible to feel so many things--not while he isn't manic. 

"I just need a bit longer. I need to be alone right now. Please," he adds. _Please understand._

"Okay," Isak says after a long pause, "Please stay safe, Even. And I..."

Even waits. He thinks he knows what he's waiting for. He holds his breath.

"I love you, Even."

Even exhales. "I love you too."

***

He walks another half an hour probably, after hanging up with Isak. It's cold and it's dark and--

Even thinks he could probably punish himself just as well inside a coffee shop or something. So he walks into the first restaurant looking place he sees. 

He eyes the bar as he passes it and considers it. It feels a little bit too self-destructive though. He doesn't want to show up at Isak's place wasted. Doesn't want to make him stress even further. 

Even does it before he's even really decided to do it. 

Sonja picks up on the forth ring. 

"Even?" She sounds surprised. A little bit lost. Just like he is. Even sighs. 

"Hey Sonja."

"Why are you-- is everything okay?"

"Nothing's okay," he tells her but that's only kind of a lie, he realises, seconds after the words leave his mouth. "I don't really know why I'm calling-- I mean. Well, I guess I wanted to know how you're doing." _I still give a fuck. I don't know why but I do._

"I'm alone and pregnant but that's all my own making so...guess I'm completely miserable. How are you?"

"Right now? Probably the same."

"That's why you're calling me? Because misery loves company? Where is your boy toy?"

"Don't call him that," Even says automatically. "I'm sorry I called," he wants to hang up as much as he doesn't want to. _Conflicted._

"I'm not," Sonja says, "I don't know what I am exactly but I'm not sorry you called."

"I'm going over to Eli's tomorrow," Even says for some reason. "To start packing up her stuff."

A few seconds pass before Sonja asks, "Do you want me to help you?"

_Does he?_

"I don't even fucking know," Even admits. 

"Why aren't you asking Isak?" Sonja only sounds a little bitter. But mostly curious. 

"He didn't know Eli," Even says. "You did."

"Even," Sonja sighs, "I don't know if I can-- I mean. We're a mess right now. We'll probably always be."

"Okay, I'm sorry I-- "

"No," Sonja says. "Look. Fuck you and me. Fuck our shit. Eli was my sister too."

"Fuck," Even says, his fingers finding his hair. 

"I'll help," Sonja says. 

"Thank you."

"It's not for you." _Lie._ "What time?"

Even tells her. 

***

Isak's literally biting his nails when Even opens the door.

He jumps up from the kitchen table as soon as Even steps inside. 

Even wants to hug him-- so he does. 

"You're so cold," Isak says, his warm breath fanning against Even's neck. "Like that time you came over here when you..." Isak trails off. 

"I think I kissed you," Even says. 

"You _think?"_ Isak asks. There's a smile in his voice. 

Even hums, "I think it was a nice kiss."

"It was," Isak says softly. Even thinks he's trying to resist from repeating it, when isak pulls back. There's a blush on his cheeks that Even doesn't dare kiss. Too much of a temptation right now. 

He tells Isak over dinner. About seeing Sonja tomorrow.

"Oh," he says, he plays with his fingers in his lap. Even doesn't know how to tell him that he doesn't have any reason to be insecure. Doesn't know if Isak even is. Or if he's just hurt that Even didn't ask him to help instead. But after a while Isak just nods his head. "That makes sense," he says, looking up at Even. "Sonja...she loved Eli too."

Relief floods Even's whole body. He didn't even realize he was feeling that fucking tense. 

"Thank you," he says. 

Isak frowns adorably. "You don't have anything to thank me for."

"I have _so much_ to thank you for," Even tells him. "You're fucking increadible Isak. You're one of the best people I know and it sucks that..." Even aches all over with the truth of his following words, "I wish Eli had time to learn that. Time to-- I mean. She was the best person I've ever known and I think you two deserved to know each other. You would have loved each other so much."

"Yeah?" Isak asks. 

"Yes," Even promises. 

***

"Do you wanna...you can sleep here tonight. If you want."

Even drops the blanket he's holding on the couch, looks at Isak-- standing there in his thread bare t-shirt and his track pants. He's fucking beautiful. Even has so little urge to fuck him. 

Isak senses that and it's the only reason Even's being invited into his bed. It doesn't matter. 

There's no universe in which Even could ever refuse an offer like that.

***

He falls asleep to Isak's fingers running through his hair. 

He thinks he hears Isak whisper, "You're the best person I know."

But Even's too close to sleep already, to be completely sure.


	33. Chapter 33

**ISAK**

He doesn't have lunch with Linda that often because they're both fucking busy-- Linda more so than Isak (obviously) and when he does, it's usually a group thing with a random mix of other attendings and residents, which is cool. The vibe at work is open and friendly and everything. Isak could probably spend more time getting to know some of his colleagues...that's not the point. 

The point is...it's been a while since he's sat across Linda in the cafeteria, just the two of them, and usually when they do this - have lunch alone together - she like, asks him stuff. Like personal stuff about how he's doing and everything-- but she hasn't. Today. They're already ten minutes into this thing and Linda's salad is halfway done and they've just been mostly discussing their cases but the thing is-- Isak _wants_ her to ask. He wants her to be all, "So what's been happening with you?" because he feels like he needs to talk about _what's been happening with him_ because 1) the answer to that question is: _so fucking much_ and 2) he trusts Linda and he needs to talk to someone who isn't Even or his pretty-nice-so-far therapist that he's still in the process of building any real rapport with. So Isak does something that he never thought he'd do, which is to say, he actually _volunteers_ information about himself to another person. _Weird._

"You know that guy?" He asks, "Um. Even?"

Linda gives him a confused look, _"That guy?_ You mean your friend that you've been shifting your entire life around to accommodate? What about him?"

Isak ignores the first part and goes ahead and answers the second, "He's living with me."

"Yeah?" Linda asks, "Your apartment is kind of cramped, isn't it? How's that been going?"

Her voice is pretty casual but there's something underneath there, that says that maybe she suspects something. Or maybe Isak's just being weird and paranoid. It's fine anyway. Because he's totally planning to tell her the truth. _Which part exactly?_

"It's been...I mean. It's not the best situation because he's obviously been sleeping on the couch."

Linda nods her head, "Yes, of course. So _why_ is he staying with you?"

"He um," Isak's stomach tightens with nerves. He hopes Linda won't hate him for this. Or judge him too much. Even though he completely deserves her judgement. "So he's kind of leaving his wife?"

Linda's fork drops into her half finished bowl of salad. Isak holds his breath. _"Kind of?"_

"Well...yeah. No, he's totally leaving his wife." _I think._

"And he's staying with you because..."

The question is clear this time. Linda definitely suspects somehing now-- but let's be real, everything about Isak's behavior during this conversation is probably setting off alarm bells in her head. 

"We're sort of...a thing?" 

Linda sighs. "Isak. Are you asking me or telling me?"

"I don't fucking know," he sighs. "I mean... there's definitely something happening."

"I'd think so-- if he's, you know, leaving his wife for you." 

Linda just says it. Just like that. Like it doesn't make Isak the most horrible person in the world, stealing someone else's husband. 

"We haven't actually...done anything," he says. 

"Because you feel guilty?"

Shit. _Is that it?_

"Maybe," Isak admits. 

"Even is a grown man, Isak. He made a decision. And I know you, I've known you for a long time. It's not one you forced him into."

"I think maybe I...maybe I did."

"How so?"

And that's how Isak comes clean about the whole _attempt at a suicide attempt_ thing. 

By the time he's done, Linda's eyes are brimming with tears. 

"I'm sorry, Isak. I gave you-- I'm so sorry."

"No! No, Linda. God. Please, don't-- "

"I didn't even-- I mean I knew you were upset about the break up with Emma but I didn't think it was this serious."

"I didn't either," Isak tells her. "I didn't know either."

"Fuck. Do you need more time off to work through this? I don't know, get your head straight?"

"Maybe," Isak shrugs. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier. If I thought it would risk the care of any of my patients, I would have come clean from the start, I promise."

"Of course you would have, Isak. No, I'm not doubting that."

"Okay," Isak nods his head, feeling more relieved he can remember being in a long time. He was afraid she'd be furious with him but he'd forgotten that, as much as he trusts Linda, that trust goes both ways. "I don't think I need time off...right now. I've been adjusting to the meds pretty well. Just some neausea but that'll go away soon."

"Okay," Linda says, "That's good."

"Yeah," Isak agrees. 

"But look, Isak. I don't think your depressive episode has anything to do with Even's choice, okay? You didn't guilt him into anything. You didn't go, 'Leave her or I'll kill myself,' or anything like that."

"I'd never do something like that," Isak shakes his head.

"Look. Talk to Even. You need to tell him how you're feeling or the two of you won't be able to move forward with this thing."

"Yeah," Isak knows that. "Yeah, I will."

"And I want to meet him," Linda adds, picking up her fork again, "Bring him over for dinner tomorrow night."

"I'll ask him," Isak says, even as warmth spreads in his stomach at the thought of Even meeting some of his friends. His _boyfriend_ meeting his friends. Fuck. Is that what Even is? At least _sort of,_ right? "But that sounds nice, Linda. Thank you."

"What are you thanking me for?" Isak's boss frowns. 

"Everything, you know. Caring and-- not thinking I'm a homewrecking slut."

"You can't wreck a marriage that isn't already broken," Linda says, "I don't know what the situation was with Even and his wife but, as someone who's been married for eight years, you probably did that woman a favor."

Isak really doesn't think so-- but he appreciates the support. 

"Now eat your sandwich," Linda adds, "You haven't touched that thing since you sat down."

Isak nods and eats his toastie. 

\---

**EVEN**

"So...you ever going to tell me who it is?"

Sonja rolls her eyes, putting her carton of Chinese food down on Eli's coffee table, next to Even's already lunch. She leans back in the sofa chair, hands coming to rest on her lower belly. Even wonders if the action is subconscious and protective or deliberately mean. 

"You do _not_ get to use that tone with me, Even. Not when you're busy shacking up with your boy toy, sugar baby."

"Jesus, Sonja. He's only two years younger than me and makes NOK900,000 a year."

Sonja shrugs, "Doesn't begin to compare to your family money."

"Is that why you loved me?" Even asks, already knowing the answer, "Because I come from money?"

"So what," Sonja arches an eyebrow, "...he loves you then? That's what he says?"

Even rubs a hand at his temple, "Why are you being like this?" 

"I'm sorry, Even. Do you expect me to be all understanding about this?"

"I don't know what I expect from you when you're pregnant with some other guy's kid, Sonja!"

Sonja immediately looks furious, matching Even's tone when she says, "Like I was the only one fucking around on our marriage!"

"Yes, Sonja. Yes, you were!"

Sonja goes still. Completely still. "No," she shakes her head. 

Even sighs. Fuck. This is so fucking unnecessary. "I don't-- it doesn't matter, Sonja. It doesn't."

"What do you mean? So you didnt ever..." She trails off, still looking completely shocked. 

"No," Even says, "...but like I said. It doesn't matter because I probably would have if he let me."

He watches as Sonja flinches, feeling zero satisfaction as the action makes his stomach tighten with guilt. Fuck. All these years and this is where they end up. After everything.

"You got the better end of the deal," Sonja says, voice filled resentment. "If he really does love you."

Even watches as she fights back tears, only barely succeeding, "Who is it, Sonja?"

She shakes her head, "You still don't have any right to know that." Even honestly doesn't know how much truth that statement holds. Sonja gets up, "Let's get back to work. We still have a lot of things to sort through."

"Okay," Even says, getting up as well. His mind is already back on Eli and the task before him, "Let's finish this."

\---

**ISAK**

Isak's been home for a few hours when Even comes back, looking drained. Both physically and emotionally and Isak immediately wants to get up from the sofa and like, _run to him,_ but he doesn't do that, figures it might be a good idea to give Even his space. 

"Hey," he says, smiling-- and heart flutters a little when Even returns it with one of his own. "Hi, Isak." 

"I got some pizza on the way home," Isak tells him, "...figured you wouldn't want to cook," he points to the kitchen table, where the other half of a cheese pizza is laying. 

"Thanks," Even says, "I think I need to take a shower first though," he pulls a face as he smells at his shirt. Laborious day. Isak gets that. "Okay," he nods, turning back to his laptop and putting in his earphones. 

He tries to focus on the ancient ass episode of Adventure Time he was watching as Even makes his way into the bathroom but can't help it when his mind goes a little hazy. Isak sits there and tries to stop thinking about it. He really _tries_ but gives up after a few minutes as he takes the earbuds out of his ears and listens to the sound of the shower running. 

Isak feels his stomach tighten and fill with warmth-- even as that familiar thrumming of guilt - that arrives whenever he thinks about Even in this way - builds up inside of him. _Get a grip,_ he tells himself, _He's emotional and upset about his sister and you're being a terrible person right now._ Unfortunately, no amount of chastising can get Isak's mind away from picturing Even-- tall and lithe, naked and wet-- underneath the shower. The shower that Isak used not too long ago--

Where he stood and contemplated wrapping a hand around his dick and making himself come. Isak hadn't, is the thing, his mind too preoccupied with worrying about Even and what he was up to but-- Isak really regrets that decision at this moment. He's panting by the time he truly realizes how how aroused he is, that it's been literally minutes that he's been sitting here, thinking about getting his hands on Even's body and steadily leaking into his briefs. 

And it's not like this is the first time Isak's dealt with feeling like this. Sharing a living space with someone who looks like Even, who's as gorgeous and kind as Even, as fucking _hot_ as Even, has been... challenging to say the least. But. Isak's managed. He's gotten really good at being quiet when he gets himself off, biting into the meat of his hand when he moans and comes, in case the noise of the running shower water isn't enough to drown out the sound of Even's name on his lips. The shower shuts off and Isak covers his face in his hands, groaning at his built up frustration and tension. That's it. As soon as Even's out of the bathroom, Isak's making a break for it and jerking off. Hopefully Even will be too distracted to notice the flush of his cheeks or the tenting of his sweatpants. Shit. That doesn't seem very likely. Isak's fucked. Not literally, of course. 

_And who's fault is that?_

Isak looks around and reaches for one of the blankets that Even usually sleeps underneath. He covers his lap just in time, as Even opens the door and comes out mere seconds later. Also wearing sweats and a really thin t-shirt. Isak relaxes slightly when Even heads for the kitchen table and the food instead of coming over to join Isak on the couch. He does his best to ignore Even's presence and get back into his TV show and manages for the most part. He's lost most of his erection by the time Even's done eating and comes to plant himself next to Isak on the sofa. 

"How did today go?" He asks Even, the introduction of this subject enough to dampen the last bit his arousal. 

"Went okay," Even shrugs. "Didn't even have all that many breakdowns or anything."

"Was it a lot of work?" Isak asks, "Are you guys done now?"

"For the most part," Even says, "Sonja was okay with keeping some of Eli's personal things at the house until I can, you know, really get into working through them. The rest I put into storage."

"Okay," Isak says, "And how was that? Spending the day with Sonja?"

"Tense, sort of," Even says, "But we had enough shit to do that we could kind of get away with ignoring each other most of the time. But yeah, I'm really grateful she was willing to help."

"Yeah," Isak nods, "That was good of her."

"She still won't tell me who the guy is."

Isak raises his eyebrows, "The baby daddy?"

Even snorts, "Yeah."

"Is it...does it really matter to you?"

"Yeah," Even shrugs, "It does but not because I want to fight the guy or something but Sonja's importantly to me, you know? She matters so...this matters."

"I get that," Isak says. 

"You do?"

"Yeah, of course."

"What are you watching?" Even asks, quirking an eyebrow at Isak's laptop. 

They end up watching Adventure Time together, eventually ending up on their sides, Even's front pressed against Isak's back as the laptop rests on the coffee table. Everytime Even laughs, his breath will brush along Isak's neck and it shouldn't be hot. Even's breath smells like cheese pizza, for God's sake. But fuck Isak-- just because it _shouldn't be_ hot doesn't mean _it isn't._ By the time the second episode is over, Isak's had enough. _Fuck it._ He turns around, the front of his body brushing along Even's in all sorts of delicious ways. 

Isak lifts the arm that isn't underneath himself and cups his hand at the back of Even's neck, fingers brushing along the soft hairs at his nape. This could have probably been a lot more chaste, now that Isak thinks about it. Too bad. 

"I'm going to kiss you now," he tells Even-- who looks at him with wide eyes and makes a strangled noise in his throat before nodding his head in fervent agreement. Good. Isak's glad he's on board with this. 

He doesn't even need to lean that much forward to _finally_ press their lips together.


	34. Chapter 34

**ISAK**

How do you begin to allow yourself to _have_ something when you've spent so much of your life denying that you even _want_ it to begin with?

For Isak there's about twenty seconds where nothing exists but Even's mouth on his-- Even's lips warm and firm, pressed closed mouthed against his own, setting something wonderful alight inside of him. It's good, the way that each of the one or two kisses he's shared with Even-- outside of their adolescence-- has been. It's always good with Even. It's just not always easy...

When Even's mouth opens up against his, his tongue moving along Isak's bottom lip-- tentative but coersive-- that light inside of Isak sparks brighter, burns hotter and makes him _want_ in ways he's both familiar and unfamiliar with. In ways that scare him-- or have. Had. For a really long time. He may or may not freak out a little bit. 

"It's okay," Even's saying-- 

When Isak can hear him, his heartbeat slowed down again, calmed just enough for it to feel less like his blood is pounding in his ears. Isak tries to calm his breathing as well but it doesn't work that well. It's too difficult, with Even so close and Even's huge hands on him, one cupping his neck, thumb stroking along his clavicle and the other on his cheek, fingers gentle as they touch Isak's skin. Isak can't clam down. Not when he wants Even's touch _everywhere_ on him.

He's allowed to want that, he knows that-- knows it _logically_ \-- but fuck, it doesn't make it any easier for Isak to reconcile. That he's here... with Even. _Even._ The person Isak gave himself to, all those years ago, and the only one who's made him feel anything real. The only person that Isak's ever been with in a way that actually speaks to who he really is. _Even_ causing Isak to tremble, frail under his hands--

Isak feels so much like a stupid child because he's the one that made the move that brought them here. He feels even more stupid when Even says it again, says, "It's okay...you're okay." 

Isak knows it's okay, _yes._ Even's right about that. There's nothing wrong with this, there's no one left for them to lie to, no reasons for secrets to be kept and Isak knows it's okay to want, to love, another man the way he does Even. _It's okay,_ but Isak isn't. Internalized homophobia is a fucking bitch.

"I want to," Isak says, because it's true. He does. He wants to be with Even more than he's ever wanted to be with anyone and that includes the time he actually _was_ with Even, sweating and panting and falling apart underneath him but that doesn't compare to the ways Isak wants him now. Now that he knows Even and loves him and adores him with his whole heart and mind and his body and if souls are a thing that exist then Isak's sure his loves Even's to its core. This has nothing to do with _not_ wanting to be with Even.

"I know," Even tells him. "I know, baby, but there's no rush, okay?"

"Okay," Isak nods his head. Slowly he starts to relax, fraction by a fraction. No rush. That's good because Isak _can't._ He isn't ready. Not for everything. Not for all of it but-- "We can keep kissing though," he says. Asks really. "We can do that?"

"Yes," Even says immediately. They can kiss.

So that's what they do. 

***

That's what they do _a lot._

There are kisses on the couch that first night, that feel like the beginning of something new and precious and makes Isak feel safer with every second that passes-- with Even's lips against his own. By the time he's half in Even's lap and full on sucking on his tongue, Isak realizes that they've been doing this for a long time, for fucking hours, making out like teenagers in a way that a not so small part of Isak wishes they could have had when they actually _were._ It makes him a little sad but not too much. He's too distracted by the way Even tastes and moans as he licks into his mouth.

The next morning there are kisses goodbye because Isak's going into work and he won't be seeing Even for hours and he doesn't bother pretending like the idea of that sits well with him when it just _doesn't._ Even echoes this sentiment when he tells Isak, swollen lips brushing against his ear lobe and making him shiver, "I'll miss you, baby." Isak's horrified when he feels himself blush in response to those words. Still. He makes himself say it back, "I'll miss you too."

He doesn't say, _I love you,_ but it resonates so loudly in his head as he looks at Even, that he thinks Even hears him anyway.

***

Dinner with Linda and Camilla goes okay. Not great and of course it's not a complete disaster because they're both nice people who try to be (maybe a little too) supportive but Isak's too tense and Even picks up on it and not even his fingers curled, firm and secure, around Isak's underneath the dinner table can make him feel completely at ease. The food's good though...so there's that. 

"Did you like them?" Isak asks Even that night, as they're lying in bed together. They're not touching that much-- both lying on their sides, facing each other but Even's hand is on Isak's hip, drawing circles on his skin through his threadbare t-shirt. 

"They're nice," Even says, "...and they care about you a lot so yeah. Of course I like them."

"I think they liked you too," Isak tells him because he literally can't imagine a possibility where someone doesn't like Even. He's beautiful and enigmatic and he could charm the pants off anyone. Well, maybe not Isak, not yet, but that's probably just because he's being a good boyfriend and giving Isak all the space he asked for. Even's wonderful like that. 

Even grimaces a little, "Well they definitely _want to_ like me."

"Because you make me happy," Isak says and it makes Even smile. 

"Oh, do I?"

"Yeah," Isak suddenly yawns, and covers his mouth with his hand.

"Tired?" Even asks.

"Hmm...long day," Isak's eyes feel really heavy. 

"You too," Even says, seemingly apropos of nothing. 

"Huh?"

"You make me happy too."

"Do I really?" Isak asks, can't help it. "I mean... with everything..."

"Yes," Even sounds completely convinced of his own words. His certainty settles inside of Isak's chest, warm and comforting. "Despite everything that's happened to bring us here. Yes."

"I love you," Isak says, and to his embarrassment, he yawns again. His eyes feel _really_ heavy. 

He feels Even's fingers brush along his temple and hears Even say, "I love you too."

Isak falls asleep with his touch still lingering on his skin.

***

When it happens...it kind of just... _does._

It's a Friday night, past twenty two, and they've gotten back from date number 4... or maybe 5, Isak isn't a hundred percent sure. He's sure he hated the movie though, makes sure to tell Even that as much as possible.

"You're supposed to have good taste in these things," he complains again, as they step through the door and into the flat. "You went to freaking film school!

"For like half a year," Even mumbles.

"Still," Isak insists. 

"And how do you expect me to have known it was complete shit? I'd never actually seen it either, you know. And the reviews were good."

"We should have seen Star Wars," Isak says, hanging up his jacket. 

"We should have," Even agrees and draws Isak in, hands on his hips. He kisses Isak, soft and sweet and for as many times that day that Isak's lost count. He should probably stop trying to count all together but it's still too new, too miraculous and precious and _holy shit,_ Isak's so fucking in love it's completely embarrassing. He laughs at himself, effectively breaking their kiss.

"What's so funny?" Even asks him. Their foreheads press together, their noses, and Isak's can't stop smiling. Not that he's trying very hard to do so. 

"Nothing," Isak says, his arms folding around Even's neck. "Nothing, I just really like you, that's all."

Even matches his grin and kisses him again and somehow--

Between one moment and the next, they end up in bed, fingers curled into each other's hair and most of their clothes off. It's fucking amazing and Isak can't stop moaning into Even's mouth. 

He does stop-- when Even's fingers curl into the waist band of his underwear and immediately Isak feels like a dumb ass.

_What the fuck? What the fuck is wrong with him?_

"Hey...hey. We can stop," Even says, his voice a little rough, and deep and turned on-- but sure, sincere and completely free of judgement. Isak _adores him._

He's also so hard, he thinks he might die if he doesn't get off soon.

"Can we...just," he bucks up his hips against Even, "... like this, yeah?"

"Yeah?" Even asks, grinding down again, his brief clad cock rubbing against Isak's. 

"Yes," Isak says, kissing him again. 

When he does...it's not the first time he comes, with Even's weight on top of him and-- Isak doesn't want to dismiss that first time, years ago. 

For all the hurt and mistakes and regrets, it was still important to him. It still mattered then and now that he loves Even this much, it matters even more. 

But this _feels_ like a first. Or maybe a first step when the last time wasn't meant to go anywhere. Whatever. Isak's too fucked out to think this hard when--

"Fuck, that was..."

"Yeah," Isak agrees, and kisses against Even's sweaty neck. "Yeah, it was."


	35. Chapter 35

**EVEN**

Isak has a deeply ingrained hatred for waking up in the mornings. It doesn't matter if his shift start at four or ten, he completely sucks at it and it takes at least five minutes - filled with half-hearted attempts - for him to blink his eyes open and keep them that way for more than five seconds. 

Even knows all of this because Isak sets about million alarms (it's four, of course Even's counted them) that he switches off, hand reaching underneath his pillow, finding his phone and blindly switching off the sound and Even's convinced he's still completely asleep through all of this. Until, somehow, on the forth one, he realizes its the one he simply can't ignore and starts the reluctant process of _actually_ waking up. It annoys Even to no end and he lies there, awake after the first alarm - unwilling and unable to go to sleep knowing that he'll be woken up again by a new alarm in another ten minutes - glaring Isak's impossibly adorable face. 

When Isak finally switches off his last alarm and manages to miraculously embrace full consciousness, Even is, of course, the first thing those pretty green eyes focus on. At this point, Even's gone through his own evolution, his look since transformed from one of pure irritation to total, hopeless adoration because it's impossible to stay mad when that frown, that deep unhappiness that Isak seems to automatically wake up with, disappears as soon as he looks at Even. Isak always looks surprised when he sees Even and he isn't sure if it's --

1) because Even's awake and staring at him ( _"...of course I'm awake, Isak, you wake me up with a thousand alarms..." "I'm sorry, I know it's annoying but I can't wake up any other way, alright..." "Not alright, come on. Compromise. One alarm and I'll wake you up when you need to?" "That's just not how it _works,_ Even." "God, fine. Keep your thousand weird alarms." "Do you still love me?" "Not more than I hate your alarms." "Is that a yes?" "You're so strange. Of course it's a yes."_ ) or

2) because Even's here at all ( _"Sometimes I wonder how this is real..." "What do you mean?" "I feel like I have everything I never knew I wanted." "Why does that make you sad?" "I'm not sad." "You sound it..." "No." "What then?" "I just don't want to ever go back to that...fakeness and..." "And?" "I don't want to relearn life without you." "Fuck, Isak." "Sorry, that's a fucked up thing to say." "No, don't. It's not." "Okay..." "I feel the same way." "You do?" "Yeah, I do."_ )

When that surprise on Isak's face gives way to other things, realisation and acceptance and tentative joy and a reflection of the absolute love that Even knows is drawn across his own features-- that's when Even can't bring himself to imagine waking up to Isak in any other way. He wants this, the whole ridiculous cherade and this even more ridiculous man. Even wouldn't change a thing. 

***

But waking up like this is so much better.

There's a syrupy warmth spreading all through Even's body. One that crawls deliciously up his spine and settles in his stomach. 

His hips buck harder as the realisation hits him of what he's doing-- thrusting his hard cock against the firmness of Isak's ass. He pushes down the feeling of want that threatens to overwhelm him. 

Even's pretty sure Isak is awake already, his rigid posture and laboured breathing giving him away and for a second Even's confused (there weren't any alarms, not _one)_ but then he remembers it's a Sunday morning and Isak has the day off. Which explains the bright glow of sunshine streaming through the closest window. 

"Good morning," Even mumbles, right against the back of Isak's head, and breathes, catching the smell of apples from Isak's shampoo. 

There are a few seconds that pass before Isak says it back, "Hi," voice pitched and breathless. Even smiles. He's not used to it yet, the sound of Isak Valtersen hot and bothered, but he can recognize it for what it is and his cock twitches in his boxers, against the swell of Isak's ass. Isak moans in response and gives an aborted shove back. Even groans and firms his grip on Isak's hip. 

"Hi," he says again, for no real reason. 

"Can we..." Isak sounds breathless and shy and like he doesn't know what exactly he wants. Just that he _does._ Good thing since Even wants too.

He moves back, just enough to push Isak on his back. Isak looks up at him with wide eyes, dark and dialated, mouth parted open and panting shallow breaths. Even feels the sight like a kick between his ribs, as he wastes no more time, moving on top of Isak, kissing him with little regard for morning breath and anything that isn't making Isak pant more those of helpless breaths into his mouth. When Even's tongue urges, Isak immediately opens his mouth to let him in and, at the same time, spreads his legs for Even to slot between. It's a perfect fit, like Even absolutely belongs there. He thinks he does and it's starting to feel, more and more, like Isak's coming to same conclusion. 

They've done this a few times by now, getting off together, on the taste of each other's mouths, hands touching as much skin as possible while they rock against each other and make a mess of their underwear. Part of Even wonders why it doesn't feel juvenile, as it's almost innocent. Even didn't even dryhump this much when he was a teenager and, while he wants more with Isak (how could he not?) he's happy with just this. More than happy, in fact. It feels really good and he's learning Isak too-- how the scrape of Even's nails against his sides will make him shiver and how he shudders when Even sucks onto his neck or collarbone. The third time they did this, he learned that Isak has a thing for getting his hair pulled, when he moaned and swore into Even's neck and shook apart underneath him-- a literal hair trigger, Even had thought, half amused and half gone mad with lust, as he followed Isak over the edge immediately. 

"Even," Isak moans sweetly. He's so sweet for Even when they're like this. Fucking lovely. Even grinds down against him, desperate for friction, for Isak. "My uh...fuck, my dick, man."

"I..." Even's mind is a little (a lot) slow - in his defense his cock has been hard for God knows how long - but he registers Isak's tone and the word "dick" at least. "What?" He asks and bites down on a moan when Isak bucks up against him again.

"It's just..." And Isak laughs suddenly, eyes filling with mirth even as they stay as perfectly dilated. "We did this twice last night."

Even hums, "Your point?"

"My _point,"_ Isak says, "...is that my dick might fall off from chaffing."

Even tries not to pout. Thirty seconds ago he (and his poor cock) had thought he'd be getting his day started with an orgasm. It's disappointing to say the least but he gets it. Even if he would, personally, risk the friction burn. 

"Okay," he says, pecking Isak's lips, once, twice, and moving off him but-- Isak stops him, hands on his forearms, looking completely outraged. 

"No, you can't leave me like this, _Even. .."_

Even raises his eyebrows and gives Isak a look, "I would love nothing more than to-- "

"Good," Isak says, just that-- 

And then his hands are on Even's waist band, pushing his boxers down. Fuck

Even rushes to help Isak remove them, before staring down at the man. Even's so fucking turned on but he makes his tongue work, "Can I...yours?" And Isak nods, hips lifting up already in an effort to shimmy out of his briefs. Even helps him, edging back to pull it over Isak's pale legs and when they're discarded and Even looks back, down at him... "Fuck, fuck..."

"Even," Isak whines, hips lifting up in search of friction that isn't there. His cock, flushed pink and so hard it might be hurting, leaks anyway, a drop of precome spilling from the tip. Even's mouth waters and he tries to ask, as clearly and politely as possible, "Can I blow you?"

He reads Isak's _yes_ in the arch of his spine and the spread of his legs before the word even leaves the man's mouth. When it does, it's followed by a low moan, as Even finally gets to feel Isak's warm cock inside his mouth. 

It's wet and messy, Even's mouth is dripping saliva as he works Isak's length inside with a relaxed jaw and throat. Technically he shouldn't be good at this, he's never _actually_ done it before.. Even thinks he might be doing okay-- if the way Isak's losing his shit, swearing and clawing at the sheets, head moving helplessly back and forth, is any indication. Isak might bruise on his hips, from the force of Even holding him down but Even doesn't feel too bad about that. Isak hardly notices if it hurts and - making Isak lose control is hot and all - but not so much that Even's willing to get his throat viciously fucked. Not this time, at least. He takes Isak as deep as he can, which turns out to be all the way because (and Even just remembered this) he doesn't have a gag reflex. Isak makes a broken sound from above, like he's absolutely _dying_ and Even sucks harder, about a half a minute more before it's all over and Isak comes. Even swallows without thought. 

He pulls off when Isak's done, and coughs, both from the surprisingly bitter, salty taste as well as the strain of having Isak all the way down.. but Even feels good. And Isak looks good. With his pink cheeks and having chest, one arm thrown over his forehead as he tries to catch his breath. Isak just lies there, lazy and sated, biting down on his bottom lip as he eyes Even's cock and the hand he's got around himself, furiously jerking and desperate to get off. It's such a fucking sight, blows Even's mind to pieces, and it's not long at all before he comes, spilling - without a single thought except to how hot it would be - straight onto Isak's stomach, painting pale skin in ropes of white and tacky come. 

Even's breathing is all wrong and his vision's a little blurred around the edges but he sees Isak's nose scrunch up and his lips mouth the word "gross" as he stares down at his stomach. Even smiles and collapses next to him. Fuck.

Waking up like this is _so much_ better.

***

When Even's finally able to extract himself from Isak and their bed long enough to do so, he makes them breakfast while Isak takes a shower. Even's half hard by the time that they finish eating because Isak loves Spanish omlettes and making sounds like he's getting fucked when he eats something he particularly enjoys. That thought sends Even's mind into overdrive and Isak notices, quirking an eyebrow and the corner of his mouth. Even drags him back to bed.

Afterwards, once they've both come down, Isak complains _very vocally_ about needing a second shower. That is to say, right until Even crowds him up against the glass wall, sliding their wet bodies together and licking into his mouth. Luckily a third shower isn't needed. Benefits of fucking around when you're already in there. 

Isak, as it turns out, has a thing for naps on his days off and he apparently expects Even to cuddle him while he takes one. Even isn't particularly tired but he does it anyway and languishes in the content and sleepy noises Isak makes as he periodically snuggles back, closer into Even's embrace. 

It's ridiculously indulgent. Even has work he could be doing right now and Isak's going to get spoilt. But it's hard to pretend like this isn't exactly everything he's wanted, for all these long months. 

Even holds on tight and tries to keep his breathing measured and steady, in case he'll wake up Isak (who works so many hours and he needs this extra rest badly) 

But it's all really fucking intense. 

Even feels so many thing sometimes, he's always been that way, but he feels the most at times like this. In a quiet moment like this when he realizes he's happy. He's also nervous about Isak and scared that he'll fuck it up but he is, immeasurably _happy._ Even doesn't know _how,_ after everything, it's possible...but he's absolutely grateful for it. 

His tears don't wake Isak up and, before Even knows it, he actually falls asleep. 

***

Even calls Finn early the next morning right after Isak leaves for work. 

Pleasantries only last a couple of minutes because Even's afraid his brother will bring up Eli and he doesn't want to talk about her to him. Not right now. Not when he needs to do this. 

"How fast can I get a divorce from Sonja?" He asks. 

"What the fuck, Even?" Finn asks, after a minute of, what Even assumes is, shocked silence. 

"We're not together anymore," Even adds. "...and I need it legal and offical and all that shit. So...how long?"

"It uh...well, if no one contests-- Even, are you serious, right now?"

"Finn, I've very seldom been more serious in my life. I want a divorce and Sonja will give me one."

"Jesus, what the fuck? Where's this coming from?"

"God, Finn, do I need to go to another lawyer? I just need an answer, man. I'll fill you in on everything some other time."

"Okay, okay. Christ, give me a break. I'm allowed to be shocked, alright? I mean, you and Sonja seem so fucking solid."

"Things change," Even says. 

"But you're okay?" 

Despite himself, Even feels a glow of warmth and appreciation for Finn. His brother can be a dick, _is_ one most of the time, but his concern for Even is clear and apparent. 

"I'm good," he says, "This is a good thing...for me." 

"And Sonja?"

"She's pregnant with some other guy's kid so fuck Sonja."

"Even, what the fuck?!"

Even sighs, "That's...fuck," he rubs at his temples and tries not to feel irritated. This doesn't need to be this way. It's simple. Even's with Isak and Sonja isn't part of his equation anymore. 

He has no reason to feel emotional or angry about any of this. No reason at all. 

"Just tell me how long it would take, Finn."

"Christ, okay. Let's imagine Sonja doesn't fight it-- "

"She won't." That's not going to happen. 

"Let's _say_ she doesn't and-- wait, you guys signed a prenup, right?"

"Yes," Even says. It's pretty generous to Sonja, in fact. No indefinitely clauses or anything. Just normal shit...ratios and trusts and investment funds. And the house that she gets to keep. Whatever.

"Then it could take anything from six weeks to a year."

"What?" _A fucking year?_

"Look, you can get it rushed but these things do take time, Even. It's just a lot of procedural shit but it takes a while."

"I don't want to be married for another year, Finn."

"Like I said, that's the extreme. You need me to recommend a divorce lawyer? I know a guy who's pretty good."

"Yeah, thanks," Even says. 

"I also know a good marriage councilor?"

"You mean the one you saw with Anna for two years before you guys got a divorce."

"Fair point," Finn concedes. "Look, let's meet up, okay? Drinks Wednesday night?"

"You just want the gossip," Even says. 

"Yeah," Finn says. "That's totally it," his tone is sarcastic but carries a weight that Even knows stems from the barely scabbed over wound of burying their sister. Finn's going to get drunk on Wednesday night and cry all over him. Even's going to let him. 

"Okay," Even says, "Sounds good."

He hangs up with Finn, calls the divorce lawyer and sets up an appointment for tomorrow. And that's it. 

See? Simple.


	36. Chapter 36

**ISAK**

"Is it true?"

Isak jumps at the sound of that familiar voice, and turns away from his apartment door, key still in the lock... 

He gives another sharp, surprised intake of breath-- as he stares at Emma, taking in the sight of her. For the first time in years she looks, so much, like the girl he first met...

What feels like forever ago. 

It's more than slightly unnerving. 

"You cut your hair," he says, forgoing a hello and sounding unbelievably dumb. 

In his defense, it's not like Emma greeted him either. Just came up behind him and scared him half to death when she asked-- 

"I did. So is it?"

"What?" Isak frowns. "Is _what_ true?"

Emma squares her jaw. "You and Even," she says. Isak feels his stomach sink. 

He knew he should have told her. He knew that she'd find it out eventually. Most likely from Sonja. He just didn't know _how._ Shit. He fucked up again. 

"Can we talk about this inside?" He asks, voice calm as he can make it in the face of Emma's apparent upset. She's trying to act like she's unaffected but Isak can see she's trembling slightly. With hurt or anger, he isn't sure. Fuck, it's probably both. 

"He isn't in there?" She asks. The way she says it.. _he_ like it's a word that leaves a bad taste in her mouth... It sets Isak's teeth a little on edge. He ignores the feeling and shakes his head. No, Even isn't here. He's in Oslo working late on a deadline. 

"Please come inside," he tells Emma and it's a plea. 

He should have told her. Fuck. He should have told her.

Granted, they've only talked twice since she asked him to give her time but..

To his relief, Emma nods her head. 

Isak gets the door open and steps through before holding it for her. Once he's locked up behind them, he turns to find Emma looking at the space around them. 

Despite living here for weeks, Even's presence in the flat isn't too obvious. But Isak can see hints of him. His shoes by the door and two of his jackets on the rack... a discarded tshirt a few meters from their bed. Even's seeped into what was once Isak's space entirely. He wonders how much of it Emma notices.

"Can I make you some coffee?" Isak asks her. Emma nods again and moves to the couch to sit down. Isak starts the machine up and when his back is to her again, Emma repeats her question from before. 

"So it's true?"

_Is what true?_

God. No, Isak knows what she's asking. She already said it and Isak can't afford to be an ass right now. 

"Even, he..." _Breathe, Isak._ "He's living here." He turns the coffee machine on and turns to face Emma. Turns to face this. "We're together."

"So that's why you-- fuck," Emma buries her face in her hands, "I should have seen it. _Why_ didn't I see it?"

"Emma... I was unsure of how to tell you but I should have. I promise you nothing happened while we were together."

Emma laughs, a muffled, bitter sound that hurts Isak's stomach. She lifts her head and gives him a disbelieving look, asks, "Is that supposed to make me feel better?"

Well. He'd hoped so, to be honest. "I don't know. But it's the truth."

"It's a little late for the truth, Isak. You actually... _fuck._ How could you _do this?"_ Emma asks, voice frantic. "How could you and Even do this to Sonja?"

"I didn't mean to hurt anyone." 

It sounds weak even to Isak's ears. Emma seems to share that opinion... because she gives him a scathing look. Then she says, "You know she's pregnant with his kid, right?"

Isak swallows around the ache in his throat. The coffee machine beeps and he turns around, back to the kitchen. "She told you that?" He asks, taking out two cups from the cupboard. "Sonja told you about her pregnancy?"

"What does that matter?" Emma asks.

"She _didn't?"_

"Gemma told me..." _Who?_ "And about you and Even."

"Who the fuck is Gemma?" Isak asks. 

"Mutual friend."

"Okay," Isak says. He takes the two cups of coffee and heads back to the couch. He hands Emma her cup. 

She gives him a hard look. "That's all you're going to say? _Okay_?"

"I don't know what you want me to say," Isak admits. "Have you spoken to Sonja yourself?"

"No, she isn't returning my calls. She's probably too fucking upset."

"Hmm," Isak takes a sip of his coffee. "Maybe you should go see her then? Check on her?"

"Now you're pretending to give a shit about Sonja?"

"I don't." Isak realizes it's true the moment the words leave his mouth. She cheated on Even and maybe it makes him a bad person and a hypocrite. But he's not enough of a hypocrite to pretend he cares more about her than he actually does. 

"Who are you, Isak? What's happened to you?"

For a minute, maybe two, Isak's lost for words. _What's happened to you?_ The answer to that is... just too much. Way too much to put in to words. And he doesn't think Emma would understand, even if he could manage to do it. 

"You should talk to your friend," he says. "I'm sorry I'm not the person you thought I was."

Emma puts down her cup on the coffee table. _Hard._ She didn't even take a drink from it. 

"Well I thought you were fucking straight, didn't I? What a massive fuck up on my part."

"You're angry," Isak observes. 

"No shit, Isak! Why are you so fucking calm? You sound like a fucking robot or something!"

"I..." Isak falters. Breathes. Tries again... 

"Emma, I don't mean to upset you. I was afraid to tell you about Even because I'd hurt you enough and I didn't-- I was scared, okay?"

"Of _what_?"

"Of you hating me! Of you-- like. Deciding that I'm a shit person who isn't worth your time. I was scared of losing you more than I already have, okay?"

"Do you actually..."

"What?" Isak asks, when Emma just trails off and doesn't continue.

"Do you actually give a shit. Whether or not I hate you?"

"Of course, Emma," Isak says, "You were the most important person in my life for a decade."

"And _now?_ Now Even is?"

"How honest do you want me to be here?"

"You love him," Emma says. It's not a question. Isak still answers her. 

"Yes."

_"Isak._ He abandoned his pregnant wife. You treat pregnant women every single day and-- and that's the kind of person you want to be with?"

Isak purses his lips. "Talk to Sonja, Emma."

"I'm scared for you," she says. It shouldn't be possible to sounds both sincere and condescending at the same time. Somehow Emma manages. "He's only going to hurt you."

_You don't know him at all._

Fuck it. "Emma, you're so fucking important to me. I need you to know that. But you don't know shit about Even."

She gives him a look of both contempt and sympathy. Isak gets it, he does grasp her point of view, limited as it is-- but it doesn't stop the irritation that crawls up his spine. This conversation isn't going anywhere good. He wants her to leave. He absolutely hates how much he wants her to leave. 

"I don't know how the fuck you expect us to be friends after all of this."

Her words hurt and Isak doesn't know if they're said for just that single purpose. He hopes not. That's not Emma. She isn't malicious. 

"I have no expectations," Isak says. "I just have hope."

Emma looks at him for a long time. 

Before she gets up and walks past him to the door. When she gets there, she hesitates..then turns back to him. "Okay," she says. 

_"Okay?"_

"I'm going to talk to Sonja."

Isak resists the urge to tell her thank you. He just nods his head. "Bye, Emma," he says. 

She just walks away and Isak can't feel too fucked up about it. After all, she didn't say hello either. 

***

Even thinks he's sleeping because the lights are off and Isak is in bed. But he isn't sleeping. He's just been lying here, basically since Emma left. Feeling an ache in his chest that even the scent of Even on his pillow can't chase away. 

Maybe the real thing will do the trick. 

So Isak crawls closer, hiding his face in Even's chest as soon as the man gets into bed with him. 

"Hey there," Even says, his arms settling around Isak. One hand on his back and the other in his hair. Isak breathes him in as deep as he can. 

"What's wrong?" Even asks. 

"Emma was here."

Even tenses. Isak let's out an involuntary whimper of distress. _God._ He doesn't want to cry, not really. He just wishes it was all, by some divine miracle, suddenly okay. 

It's already better, though. With Even here. It's always better with Even here. 

He feels as Even responds to his upset, feels him force into relaxion against his body. "What did she want?" Even asks, when he seems to have managed as much as he can. 

"Someone told her about us. Gemma...whoever the fuck that is."

"Sonja's best friend," Even supplies. "I don't think you met at Eli's funeral. Does she know Sonja's pregnant?"

"Hmm...thinks you abandoned your wife and unborn child."

"Well shit," Even exhales. "You set her straight?"

"Really not my place."

"Oh," Even says, sounding weird. 

"What?" Isak asks. 

"No, just...you're just really amazing, Isak Valtersen."

Isak scoffs, "I used a kind and wonderful person for years because I was too fucked up chicken shit to be honest about who I am. I destroyed my best friend and I'll never make it up to her."

Even laughs softly, " _Destroy,_ he says. Come on, I love you but you're not enough to destroy Emma Larzen."

"You don't even know her."

"Not that well, you're right. But I know she's stronger than you're currently giving her credit for. I know it upsets you that you hurt her and yeah, you have a lot to feel guilty over. But you're not a bad person. Emma...she knows that. She loves you too, you know. Much as you love her."

Isak wonders if that's true. And besides, they didn't love each other in the same way. 

"It's going to take a really long time for us to be okay, Even."

"She's important enough to you that you'll wait right?"

"Yeah," Isak says. 

"Baby, stop beating yourself up. You're doing your best."

Isak shifts his head. Enough that he can look up at Even. Look into his eyes. 

"I'm not sorry," he admits. "I mean...I am about a lot of things. But not for this. Not for getting to have you and be with you."

Even smiles and Isak's heart lifts a little more. "Good," he says. "That's good."

"You make me happy," Isak tells him. "I really wanna keep you."

"Ditto," Even tells him, and moves his head, so his forehead is against Isak's. He goes a bit cross eyes, so Isak closes his eyes. Even's nose rubs against his and a few moments later, their lips brush. 

Isak wants his mouth so he takes it, opening his own against it. 

They kiss for a long time and for the first time in a while, ever since they started getting each other off, it's deep and searching without any real intent to go any further. Isak likes it as much as their hot, hungry kisses. He likes every kind of kiss with Even. 

When they finally break away from each other, long long minutes later, Even leans back again. Looks at Isak with a serious expression.

"Hey," he says. "I should tell you something."

"Yeah? What?"

"I spoke to a lawyer today...about getting a divorce from Sonja."

Isak's heart immediately starts hammering in his chest. Fuck, Even is--

He's actually going to leave her. Technically he already has...well. No, technically they're still married. But not for long. Or at least not forever. God.

"What do you think about that?" Even asks, almost sounding nervous. Isak can't imagine why. 

"Awesome," Isak says. 

Even's eyebrows arch. Isak wants to reach out his fingers and trace them. He gets the strangest urges around Even sometimes. "Yeah?" Even asks, still sounding as unsure. "You think so?"

"I mean...unless it makes you sad then. I don't want you to be sad. I'm sorry if that's the case."

"You have nothing to be sorry for," Even tells him. "And maybe I am a little sad but it's okay. I'm more happy than I am sad."

"You are?"

"I want to be yours," Even tells him. "Just yours."

Isak grins. He can't help it. "I'm already yours," he tells Even. 

Even looks at him in that way of his. Like he can't believe Isak's real or something. Which is stupid because that's how Isak feels about him. He wants to marry him. 

God, it's so dumb probably. And he'd never admit it out loud. 

Or...maybe not _never._

Definitely not yet. 

"I love you so much," Even tells him. 

Isak smiles... 

_Definitely maybe someday._

"I love you too," he says.


	37. Chapter 37

**EVEN**

Even can't help but find this weird, as he sits across from his older brother in a crowded, noisy bar. It _is_ weird. 

They're not close, him and Finn. For a lot of reasons-- ranging from a nearly ten year age gap to just vastly different personalities and temperaments. Then you can add in the fact that Finn hasn't always been the most understanding about Even's-- _how did he put it?_ Right. Instabilities. 

Well, that's when he was being kind. It's fine though, after a while being called _crazy_ by someone you used to look up to in your childhood does loose most of it's sting. Especially when Eli was right there to call Finn _a fucking idiot asshole._

It was always the two of them, Even and his sister, only two years apart in age, against the rest of the world. Against Finn. In hindsight, that might have been part of the problem. 

"Divorce isn't a decision you take lightly, Even, my man," Finn gives a sage nod of his head. Shit, he's half the way to drunk already and they're only two drinks in. _Even_ has better tolerance than that. "Especially when you've been with someone as long as you and Sonja have. Or as long as me and Anna."

"But you and Anna did get a divorce," Even points out. "Do you regret it?" 

Finn frowns for a while before he shrugs, "Sometimes. Most of the time, yeah. She cheated on me too, you know."

Even didn't know but isn't surprised-- not that he'll tell Finn why that is-- "No," he says, "I didn't know."

"So who's the guy?"

"Guy?" Even asks. Does Finn mean Isak? 

Even's been sitting here, wondering if he should tell his brother about Isak, about the man in his life. 

The thing is, he doesn't really feel the need to. Not because Isak _isn't important--_ but because it's just not that important to Even for Finn to know. 

Not that Even's going to lie about him if Finn's heard something-- from Sonja or someone else maybe. 

"The guy you say knocked up Sonja," Finn says, looking at Even like he's an idiot. _Right._ That guy. Shit, no. 

"I don't have a fucking clue, man," Even admits. He's tried to think of guys that Sonja's spent time with but outside of the people she works with and like, Finn and Daniel, once or twice, he can't think of anyone. 

"Wait," Finn says, "...some guy fucked your wife and, what? You just...don't give a shit?"

"I'm not saying I don't give a shit."

"You don't even seem upset though? And like, _me?_ I'd want to find the guy and break his fucking face. I mean, I did."

Again, Even not surprised. Finn is a hot head most of the time but that just isn't Even. As previously pointed out, _vastly_ different personalities and tempraments. 

"Well," Even shrugs, "I've never been much for aggression, Finn."

His brother nods, "You've always been a bit of a sissy, yeah." 

Even stomach drops, a feeling of cold lead sinking inside of him. Finn carries on without noticing, "I was surprised," he says, "...that you weren't a fag to be honest, you're so soft, Even. And with your art and drawing pictures and shit. I really thought you might be a queer, you know?" 

It's stupid, _really fucking stupid._ How much those words hurt. Even isn't a little kid anymore and Finn is a fucking idiot asshole and-- 

And the only family Even has left, really. 

He has nephews and aunts and uncles..

But his partents are dead, his sister is dead and his wife isn't going to be his wife anymore. He's alone without a family...

Even's phone vibrates in his pocket, saving him from finding a way to respond to...any of that. For a few moments at least. He reads the text message. 

Isak 21:38  
_dude! I delivered quads! How fucking cool is that?_

Isak 21:38  
_This is actually only my second time and they're all so cute and tiny Even_

Isak 21:39  
_Look at them!_

Even stares at the picture of the babies and smiles and-- while they are ridiculously cute-- it's mostly at Isak's excitement. He types a response and sends it. 

Even 21:41  
**they look like tiny aliens though**

The reply is immediate.

Isak 21:41  
_fuck you they're adorable_

Isak 21:41  
_I want to have multiples, maybe twins_

Even's breath catches in his throat, _shit, that would..._

Does Isak mean--

Isak 21:42  
_shit I didn't mean with you_

Ouch. 

Isak 21:42  
_fuck I didn't mean NOT with you._

Okay...

Isak 21:42  
_omg I'm going to go crawl into a hole now, Even. Enjoy your drinks_

Even grins down the texts-- this man is too adorable for his own good. He's too much for Even's heart to stand, really. 

Even 21:43  
**I love you so much. I'd totally have your babies if you want**

It's another minute before Isak responds. 

Isak 21:44  
_I'll keep that in mind..._

That's good enough for Even (for now).

He's just pressed send on about a hundred heart emojis-- when a throat is cleared. Even looks up. _Oh._

Right. Finn. 

"Who was _that?"_

"Hmm?" Even tries to tamper down on his smile. But it's pretty much impossible. He wonders if Isak's going to be home by the time Even gets back. If he leaves now, that's a good hour for Isak to finish up at the hospital and get to their apartment. 

"Who were you texting?" Finn asks. 

"My boyfriend," Even says, without any further hesitation. He sort of wants to say it to someone, hear the word out loud. He's never called Isak that before, he doesn't think. Has he? Anyway, he has now and it feels--

If feels good. _Really_ good.

"What the fuck?" Finn says. And gapes at Even-- mouth open, eyes wide. He looks so ridiculous, that Even laughs. Finn blinks his startled eyes, "Are you fucking serious right now?"

Even nods, "It's Isak," he tells Finn. "You met at..." 

"Eli's funeral, yeah," Finn swallows, "Christ, Even. You know Anna told me there was something up between the of two you. I called her a crazy bitch."

"And you wonder why she can't stand you anymore," Even says. 

"Nah, she just wants to see gay everywhere. She thinks everyone is gay but I mean-- you...you actually _are._ Fuck."

Even weighs the merits of explaining to Finn that he _actually_ considers himself pansexual but honestly, that whole endeavor seems tiring before he's even opened his mouth. 

"We're together," he says instead. Just that. It's pretty much as simple. That and the fact that, "I love him." Like _a lot._ In ways he's never loved anyone before. 

Even never even knew it was possible to love someone like this. 

He waits for Finn's response, steels himself against it...the coming hurt and disappointment and the thing is-- he will be. Despite the fact that he should be used to Finn by now and the fact that his brother doesn't really ever have his back. A part of Even still wishes it wasn't the case.

Then, to his surprise, Finn just raises his eyebrows...and his whisky glass and says, "Well cheers to you, man," before proceeding to down the whole thing. It's Even's turn to gape. That was... not what he'd expected.

Of course that's when Finn ruins what could have been a very nice moment by adding, "...suppose it's not surprising that our Sonja went out looking for cock then."

There he is...

"Jesus Christ, Finn."

***

Even ends up getting drunk, _really_ drunk, with his brother and, when he realizes he isn't going to make the drive back to Isak-- not unless he wants to total his car-- he agrees to Finn's offer to crash at his place instead. 

Finn's already waiting in the car while Even stands a few meters away, calling Isak to let him know he isn't coming home. Even doesn't want him to worry and Isak _would_ worry about him. Because Isak loves him. Even doesn't know how he got so lucky. 

"Hi," Isak says. He sounds drowsy, half asleep and Even wonders if he woke him. He checks his watch and yeah. Shit, it's like one in the morning. 

"Hi, baby. Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up. The time just sort of went, you know?"

"That's okay," Isak says, and then be yawns and Even does too because that shit is infectious. "You alright?" His boyfriend asks, "Need me to come get you?"

"You're so sweet, no" Even tells him, "I'm staying at Finn's tonight. At my bother's," he adds, for no particular reason he can discern. 

Isak just says, "Oh, that's okay," and then, "Hope you had fun."

"I did," Even tells him and...he's trying not to feel emotional about that. He doesn't even know why he sort of already is but yeah, he always gets a little over the top with his feelings when he's had too much to drink. Or maybe... "I think I maybe missed him," he tells Isak. He adds, without thinking, "I miss Eli. I wish she was here too, Isak. She would have been happy about it, you know? I miss her."

"Oh baby," Isak says, "I know you do. I wish I could hug you right now."

"Me too," Even tells him but now Isak sounds sad and Even would rather he didn't. Sometimes Isak seems _so_ sad and he thinks that Even doesn't notice how he's still sort of depressed sometimes but Even does and he tries to make it better like now when he says, "Listen...about those babies..."

Isak groans, and Even can see, inside his head, how Isak's rolling his eyes, "Oh my God, Even," he says, "Don't torture me like this." _Drama queen._

"Look," Even laughs, "I just wanted to say. And I know I'm drunk, whatever. I just want to say I'm glad that-- that I'm not having babies with anyone else because..."

"Because?" Isak echoes.

"Because," Even tells him, "I think I've been waiting for you my whole life."

 _"Even,"_ Isak makes this whining sound and it goes a little bit to Even's dick. Isak sounds like that when they're in bed doing things. Sex things. "I can't believe you're not here so I can kiss you," he complains. "It isn't fair."

"Yeah," Even agrees. "But I'll be home tomorrow and then I'll kiss you. Like, a lot and..." Even wonders if he should say this but-- but it's like he can't stop his mouth from forming the words. Not when he wants to say them so bad, "...and fuck you," he says, "Can I, Isak? Can I fuck you, baby?"

Isak makes that noise again and it's so hot, Even might actually be at risk of getting hard. So much for whisky dick. 

Isak sounds breathless when he says, "Okay," he sounds so shy. _So fucking adorable._ "Tomorrow," he promises. Even doesn't punch the air or do something stupid like this. 

"Tomorrow," Even just nods, even though Isak can't see him. "I love you," he says. 

"I love you too, Even. Be safe, okay?"

"Yeah, I will. Love you."

Isak laughs, "You too," he says and hangs up the phone and Even already misses him, fucking hell... 

_Tomorrow._


	38. Chapter 38

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my God, you guys. This chapter kicked my ass so hard. I've never struggled with a TWOU update this much but here it is... and it probably sucks so sorry about that.

**ISAK**

Isak's alarm goes off and he silences it, maybe for the third time or something-- he isn't sure but he's actually beginning to feel like he can _maybe_ do this waking up and getting up shit or, okay maybe not-- 

_...just a few more minutes._

He rolls over to the right side of the bed, seeking out a strong back and perfect source of warmth but... _huh?_

All Isak finds is empty space and cold sheets. He remembers. _God, damnit._

This happened sometime last night - or earlier this morning, rather - as well. More than once, probably. Where he'd somehow feel it, just _not right,_ in his sleep and look for a way to fucking remedy that but no, nope-- couldn't be remedied. Not when Even isn't here, in Isak's bed, where he fucking belongs. 

They've only been living together for a few weeks so really, there's no way Isak should be this attached to sleeping next to him, not to the point where he sleeps restless and wakes up even more miserably than he does on an average morning. But there you have it. It is what it is. Isak isn't even _that_ surprised to be honest. It's Even, after all. He just gets up-- no point lying there any longer when he's this much aware of missing his boyfriend-- and gets into the shower. 

He's about three minutes in, when the hot water of the shower manages to wake him up enough that he becomes aware of the fact that he's sporting an erection. Isak looks down at it and fights a pout. He knows he's probably being ridiculous because he can either 1) ignore it, so it goes away; or 2) just take care of it himself already. But the thing is, damn it-- 

The thing is that _Even_ doesn't have any qualms about taking care of it for Isak. In fact, he's pretty enthusiastic about it and Isak's gotten used to that-- trading morning blowjobs has become something he's started feeling weirdly like, _entitled to_ but that's all Even's fault and now he isn't here and, okay, Isak's fucking ridiculous. 

He just went _one night_ without Even here, fuck, he's grown so fucking attached to the man. He'd be so massively fucked... if he ever had to live his life without Even ever again. The thought is so fucking awful, so depressing... 

It makes his boner go away... so at least there's that. 

Isak finishes up his shower, brushes his teeth and puts on jeans and one of Even's hoodies because, again, he's fucking ridiculous. He has some coffee and some of Even's "healthy" granola (it's not-- that shit carries so much sugar and other additives) and then he leaves the flat and goes to work-- with no goodbye kiss that turns into a borderline R-rated make out. He's halfway through his drive to the hospital when Isak realizes he's been humming Akon's _Mr. Lonely_ under his breath. Christ. He's so fucking lame. 

He doesn't even know why Even likes him. 

***

Work is good. 

It's not a super busy day so after Isak finishes lunch, he bribes Johnson's intern with a lead on their next rotation together, to let him into the newborn nursery where he decides to chill until his next consult at 15:00. 

Isak stares at the cute baby the incubator in front of him and while she's _so_ cute and adorable, well, Isak can't stop thinking about or missing Even. 

No, like, _really_ missing Even... because it's been fucking hours since Isak's last seen him and, maybe stranger than that, when he checked his phone after his surgery but before luch, there wasn't a single text messages from the guy and he still hasn't texted Isak. No random observations or musings about life, gossip about his colleagues at the paper or an outdated meme or even an _I love you_ which he usually texts Isak two to three times a day. In all fairness, Isak hasn't texted him either and he should rectify that-- or call him. 

Yeah, he should call Even. 

Isak tries twice but Even doesn't pick up so he sends him a text. Ten minutes later and there's still no reply and Isak's stomach sinks, he panics, just a little bit, because Even doesnt-- he always picks up his phone when Isak calls. 

The feeling of wrongness in his stomach worsens and not even the cooing tiny humans in the nursery can make it settle. 

Isak can only stare at his phone for so long-- in the hopes that Even will call or text him back-- before he needs to get to work. 

The next four hours go by _very_ slowly.

***

Isak's tempted to forgo showering at work before he leaves but he's fucking gross. It's been a twelve hour shift so he figures he can do it, he'll live with putting off seeing Even by another fifteen minutes or so. 

Besides--

_I'll be home tomorrow and then..._

Well, it's tomorrow, isn't? And Isak is excited and super eager and he can't go home fucking gross when Even promised to fuck him so yeah, _showering._ Showering is important. 

He tries calling Even again as he leaves the hospital but the asshole still isn't picking up. _It's okay,_ Isak tells himself. It's okay because Even's at home-- he gets home from work really early in the day and he's probably hungover from last night and is sleeping it off in their bed and the weird feeling in Isak's stomach is misplaced and exaggerated because he didn't fall asleep to next to Even last night and wake up in his arms this morning. 

Isak will get back to their apartment and Even will be there and Isak's going to hold him and kiss him to within an inche of his life. 

***

"What the-- "

_Okay._

Okay, so apparently this is a thing that is happening. 

_What is happening?_

"Hi. Hello," Even steps towards him, his hands finding Isak's waist, moving around to his lower back and pulling him even closer, like he knows Isak can't move right now, too shocked, still, by-- 

"What is this?" Isak asks, and he isn't even really able to look away from Even and his eyes all lit up and his smile, gorgeous and pulling a little nervously around the corners-- to look at all of it again. 

The set table and the lit candles and the strung up lights around their bed and... what looked like rose petals on the sheets? Isak checks and yeah, those are definitely rose petals on their sheets and _ohmygod_ Isak's boyfriend is so fucking extra-- not at all brand new information but still. Holy shit. 

"I uh-- " yup. Even is definitely nervous. 

Isak smiles up at him and Even bites down on his bottom lip, all _shy_ and shit, says;

"I don't know what to say, really. Except I hope you don't think this is stupid."

"You did this for _me?"_ Isak asks.

Even snorts, "No, I did it for Netta from next door."

"Oh," Isak says, reaching up to fold his arms over Even's shoulders, fingers curling through the soft hair at the base of his neck. "She does have a crush on you... but I didn't think old ladies were your type, Even."

"I won't tolerate your age discrimination, Valtersen. What Netta and I have is-- "

"You're fucking ridiculous," Isak cuts Even off, first with his words and then his mouth, making good on his earlier promise to himself, kissing Even until they're both weak, breathless from it. 

\---

**EVEN**

Isak is so bashful, so genuinely pleased with everything-- from the curry that Even made to the wine he bought and chocolate cake they have for desert. 

He doesn't even complain once about Even's playlist, even though he does frown when _Crazy for you_ comes on. Even makes a mental note to play more Madonna around Isak to see how much he can annoy him before he actually starts yelling or bitching. 

Dinner is fun and nice, it's always fun making Isak laugh, much easier when he's a little tipsy like tonight. Afterwards they settle on the couch together, Isak half on his lap while they feed each other cake. Their position and Isak's lips repeatedly closing around the desert fork in Even's hand, the pleased little noises he makes with every bite, sending more and more blood south to Even's cock and--

"You didn't pick up your phone today," Isak tells him.

It takes longer than it should, fighting through the haze of lust, for Even to register his words. 

"You tried to call me?" 

Isak nods. Oh. _Shit._

"Yeah, my battery went flat," Even tells him, feeling guilty. "... and I didn't think to charge it at Finn's. Too wasted. And then today I was rushing at work so I could get back in time and get everything ready."

"Okay," Isak says, sounding relieved and Even frowns. 

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Isak says, taking the fork from Even's hand and cutting off another piece of cake to put in Even's mouth. He chews diligently around it and Isak tells him, "I don't know, I got worried, I guess. I just missed you a lot last night and when I couldn't reach you..."

"Fuck, Isak. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to worry you."

"I didn't like not being able to reach you."

"Okay," Even says. "Promise to keep it in mind from now on."

Isak scrunches up his nose, "And," he says, "...I didn't like sleeping without you either. Felt weird."

"For me too," Even says, even though he was too wasted to really appreciate his boyfriend's absence. Still, he's sure he would have missed Isak a lot if he'd been more aware of everything. In any case, it makes Isak smile and it's beautiful. He's beautiful and Even can't stand how much he loves him sometimes. 

It all still feels so surreal-- like one of those dreams Even would have sometimes, throughout the years. The ones where... he forgot how much it actually hurt when it came to this boy. How much pain and disappointment Even experienced... and all he could feel-- all his subconscious shared on those nights-- were reminders of those few stolen hours when he thought he had Isak. 

When Even felt his weight under him and his soft skin, the warmth of his body, surroundings Even from inside. 

He was in love with Isak then, as in love as you can be with someone you barely know, and sometimes he didn't think he'd ever get over him. In some ways he did, in others he didn't. It's still crazy to think that they're actually here. Finally. After all these years and everything they've gone through these last few months, they came out of it on the other side. 

_Together._

That's not just a far away dream anymore.

Isak kisses him first, soft and slow and _deep._ He licks inside of Even's mouth... like he's trying to pilfer out the taste of chocolate, searching for Even underneath it. 

Isak shifts, this time straddling Even's hips entirely. He isn't hard yet, not like Even is but he rocks his hips, pushes back into the grip that Even has on his ass and moans. Even feels him grow harder and harder against him. 

He wants to take his time with Isak, wants to lay him down on their bed and strip him bare at a slow pace, intersperse that with touches and kiss on every part of his body. He wanted to do this _right,_ make it _special,_ there are... fucking fairy lights and rose petals involved, for fuck's sake-- 

But the more that Isak moves against him, the more that Even pushes his own tongue into Isak's mouth, the more he realizes that it might not happen. The whole going slow thing. Not when he's waited ten years to do this again. 

The race to get to bed, to get naked is frantic. Isak makes frustrated noises when they break their kisses long enough to remove their clothing or breathe or not trip over their feet. 

Even really does get Isak under him in record time and still, Isak seems impatient, pushing his hips up against Even's, fingers digging into Even's back as their naked cocks grind together.

Even can already feel something like the approach of orgasm curling in his spine and he briefly considers that, wants to rut against Isak so they can both come, wet and sticky between their bodies, ease some of that desperation so that they could take their time with the "main event" so to speak. In the end, the need to get inside of Isak now, _right now,_ is too much to resist. Isak seems to agree, panting against Even's neck and asks, demands really, "Even, _fuck--_ fuck me..."

Okay. 

Okay, _Even can do that._ He forces himself to calm down. 

He slicks up his fingers with lube and moves his hand between Isak's legs, drawing a light touch over Isak's rim and Isak meeps and whimpers and it's mind numbingly hot. Even breathes through the onslaught of arousal. This part he can't rush. He just can't. 

"When's the last time you..."

Isak giggles, breathless.

"You know exactly when last I was fucked, Even. You were there for it, remember?" 

His hips buck up against Even's touch, like he's trying to just get them _in_ already. The fact that Even doesn't come there and then is a full on, celestial intervention miracle.

But that's not what Even meant.

"When last did you have fingers inside of you?" He asks. 

"Oh," Isak blushes, deep crimson and it's pretty and so gorgeous. Isak is so gorgeous. Fuck. 

"A while," he says. "Months."

At least the answer isn't _ten years ago,_ which is a relief but not that much better. They need to take this really slow. They need to be careful. Even needs to force himself to, no matter how much he wishes he was already inside Isak. He knows Isak isn't made of glass but this isn't easy. Penetrative sex with a man is something Even's only done once but he knows it can go bad, that it could seriously hurt and injure Isak and that's the last thing he wants. As much as he just wants this-- he wants it to be _good._ For the both of them. 

Isak doesn't seem nervous though, not that _Even_ is. Not too much, at least. He's too busy for that, concentrating on pushing his finger, his touch, inside of Isak. Too busy making it as easy for Isak as possible to relax around him, stroking along Isak's thighs with his free hand and watching Isak bite his lip and arch his back and leak sweat onto his brow. Isak is so pretty, so fucking perfect. Even keeps telling him that, over and over again, and it makes Isak flush deeper but it also makes him smile, makes him moan and buck down onto Even's fingers. 

He's up to two now and it's been a while, long minutes of this. Isak's getting impatient. Even too in all honesty. But they keep going slow... until Even's got three fingers inside of Isak, pushes deep, pressing hard and Isak's whimpering weakly, his cock leaking steadily onto his stomach. Even thinks he's ready and he doesn't bother asking Isak for confirmation. He's been vocally begging for Even's dick for the last ten minutes or so. 

His hands only shake a little bit as Even rushes to slide a condom over his dick. He immediately hates it, hates putting a barrier between the two of them when for years he hasn't worn one with-- no. Nope. Even isn't thinking about that. _Her_ or anything else that isn't this. That isn't Isak. That isn't _them._

(He does, however, make a faint, mental note to get them both tested.)

They're kissing as Even begins to push inside-- it's a good distraction from how much he just want to thrust all the way in already and _take_ and Even can still taste remnants of wine and chocolate in Isak's mouth. He swallows it down, along with the moans and whimpers that Isak makes.

By the time that Even bottoms out, _finally, Jesus Christ,_ he's sweating profusely, hair and moisture falling in his eyes. He blinks and Isak pushes it back, fingers trembling as they stroke through Even's hair. They're not kissing anymore, just panting against each other's mouths as they looks into each other's eyes and the moment feels massive, like everything in Even's life has lead him to this. To this point. He doesn't even believe in fate, prefers the idea of being in charge of his own life, his own destiny but the idea that--

The idea that the choices he's made in his life could have, might have, prevented this, could have lead him to a place that isn't here, with Isak, _inside of Isak_ scares him so much that he wants, desperately, to believe that there's some greater force at work here. 

That no matter what, no matter how much, how many time they might have screwed up, they would always _always_ have found their way to each other. That from this point forward, they always will. If Even prayed for anything...he'd pray for that. 

"Okay," Isak says, god knows how many minutes-- of waiting and breathing-- later... "Okay, Even, fuck me now, okay?"

Even nods. _Yes._ "Okay." 

Even starts, at as slow a pace as he can manage, watching Isak's face for signs that he's uncomfortable. But he sight of Isak, flushed and open mouthed, panting heaving breaths... It's _good,_ as good, as the clutch of Isak's body around him, the drag of his cock along Isak's walls, making pleasure curl inside of Even's stomach, making him sweat even more, drops sliding down the column of his spine and Isak's hands slips through it, up and down and then further down to Even's ass, urging him on in his movements. 

Isak's eyes are glassy and dilated, unfocused as he tries to keep breathing through his moans. Even thinks he feels good, feels okay with Even moving inside of him like this, fucking him like this. Thinks he wants more and when Isak moves with him, bucking up into his thrust, Even gives it to him, speeding up, faster and faster until they're back to that frantic need that took them from the couch to their bed. 

Even kisses him then, fucking his tongue into Isak's mouth in the same rhytm as his thrust and it's not long after that, not long at all, that he feels his orgasm approach and already it feels like too much, like everything. Even's still approaching the cliff edge but he already feels like he's falling, flying... feels so good, feels Isak, from all the way inside, all around him, thighs around his hips, arms around his neck, cock rubbing hot, wet against his stomach. Even's close but Isak is closer, beats him there, letting out a litany of curses and Even's name, again and again. Even thinks he says, "I love you," or he tries to. He thinks he says it back but he's too busy-- coming harder than he ever has before-- to be entirely sure. 

It goes on for a long time, aftershocks wracking his and Isak's bodies as Isak presses kisses into his neck, mumbling more words that Even can't make out, into his skin. 

Isak makes a whimpering noise when Even, eventually, pulls out his softening cock, holding onto the base of the condom. "Did it hurt?" He finds himself asking, leaning back on his haunches as he stares down at Isak-- legs still spreads, flushed all over, his belly covered in his own come. He looks fucking debauched, fucking beautiful and Even feels it like a kick to the stomach. 

Isak laughs weakly, smiles brightly, "No," he says, shaking his head. "It was..." He trails off, seemingly at a loss for words. 

Even would feel smug about that but he just doesn't. He can relate to the feeling of having experienced something completely fucking indescribable. He smiles and agrees with Isak.

"Yes, it was." 

***

They do it again... and then almost one more time before Isak stops them, says, _no, it's too late_ and he needs to be responsible and sleep or he'll be completely fucked for work tomorrow, both too tired and too sore to function properly. 

"But hey," he says to Even, settling his head in that familiar way onto Even's chest. "We should move in together, yeah?"

Even laughs because _what?_ "We already did. Or did you forget?"

"Hmm," Isak hums, so tired, so close to falling asleep, "Our place," he says, "For you and me," and promptly conks out. 

Just like that, he's snoring into Even's chest. 

He doesn't hear Even's answer, which is and always will be-- to anything, any commitment that Isak's offering-- 

"Yes."

**Author's Note:**

> _Insert epilogue here and feel free to yell at me in the comments. Thank you all for sharing this story with me. All love._


End file.
